Wednesday, February 23, 2011

An Emotional Appeal

Dear ,

My eyes are filled with tears as I begin to write this letter. I clearly don't know what I want from you but seeing you with someone -guess your new girlfriend, filled up my eyes with tears. I keep on asking myself "why?". You and me never had anything in common. I don't even like your mannerisms. You are the one who made me to be in this sorry and shameless state. You are the one showed how hopeless case I can be. You are the one made my walls come down. You are the one who showed me that I can be an intruder and a stalker. You are the one who showed me how I can be despicable-me. Under these circumstances, I should be hating you and should have vowed to myself to run away and never see your face again. But for some reason I over look everything thinking that you and me have some kind of bond. But damn me, there is nothing. I keep on killing myself emotionally over you when all you did is put a bad taste about myself. I can't blame you for anything as I was delusional and overly analyzed things when there was nothing to think of.

My only wish is at least for once in your life to write a letter to me about your thoughts like the way I let everything out. You are the only one who has power to prove that I was not delusional but you too felt the bond between us. I know why I cry when I see you posing with someone as a couple as it beats out loud that I was fool and acted out like a weird person, chasing like a mentally disturbed stalker. Yes, I understand completely that everybody should move on in life and you have every right to find a partner. My affection is so strong over you and did not deter when I visualized that one day I'll be seeing you with your wife and kids on Facebook profile. So I have that understanding but what bothers me is about the unanswered questions like did I misjudge the affection and the interest I saw in your eyes in 2008 or have you ever had any feelings for me or did you ever chase me or felt desperation to interact with me or am I the only one who made  fool of myself? One affectionate letter from you will prove my past deeds are not a blunder and will not make me look like a weird person. It proves that I'm lovable. It proves that someone really had a genuine affection for me. It proves that my belief over you was genuine and meaningful. It proves that we had a connection. It proves that by finding you on the internet was God's one way of saying that we were meant for each other in some un-explainable way.

I still see and feel the way you looked at me in 2008. Only time will tell, whether we will perish or sustain these forces and come out victorious and stay connected forever. But if that gaze had any meaning, I beg you to convey your feelings or else I've to lead rest of my life with regret and pain. If nothing else at least please pray to God that I should become an emotionless person.

As a part of my illusion or was it real but on Valentine's day, I received a yahoo alert regarding your twitter account about you posting something related to Canadian games but as usual didn't show up on your account but in previous occasions that's how you used to interact with me with arbitrary, irrelevant and anonymous messages but indirectly showing inclination to communicate. Well, I vowed to myself of never again to write an email or send a text message to you. I vowed not to speak with you ever again. Is it really possible that you thought about me on Valentine's day? Well the picture of you posing with someone on your new girlfriend's facebook profile proves my delusional state.

This is the song ringing in my ears: Stereo Love by Edward Maya

When you're gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go
Don't let go
To my love
Can I get to your soul
Can you get to my thoughts
Can you promise we won?t let go
All the things that I need
All the things that you need
You can make it feel so real.
Cuz you can't deny
You've blown my mind
When I touch your body
I feel I'm loosing control
Cuz you can't deny
You've blown my mind
When I see you baby
I just don't wanna let go

 I know J, you'll  never write or let me know once-upon-a-time-about-your-feelings-for-me otherwise till now, it would've happened. I have to accept it and move on. I'm happy for you for finding someone. You're going to be twenty six on Sunday and its about time to have a steady girlfriend. She is a beauty. I like her even though sometimes, she dresses and poses in sexually provocative way. This year I'll not be wishing you directly. On a good day, I feel like thanking you for showing me - how wonderful it is to fall in love, how beautiful the life looks if someone you like is falling for you. But on bad days, I really get so angry for making me go through this "journey of love". I've no business to be in this place. I've no business to be like some young girls who stalk their Exs' on the Internet and feel the misery of love lost. I've no business to allow you to treat me disrespectfully or even think of me as a stupid loser. I've no business to go through break up.

They say things happen for a reason. Well, could you please explain why I came across your last name which helped me find you online. Explain to me, why I found you so quickly and was able to interact with you, when  once I thought I lost you completely in this big wide world? Explain to me, why you were able to find a way to interact with me second time when I thought we were done? Explain to me, why we were in touch for two years even though we were not in good terms? Explain to me, why I'm melancholy after two and half years? Explain to me, why I'm going through this emotional baggage when thinking about you itself is a voodoo under my life circumstances? Explain to me, why I'm disrespecting myself? Explain to me, why I can't hate you?

I should be hating you for making me feel useless. The reason everything started was because you made me so happy but the end result is I have never been so miserable in my life. I just don't feel like doing anything or contacting anybody. I feel like the whole world can't see me at all. I feel like nobody cares for me. Even though I'm trying many new things, nothing is giving me satisfaction. I'm lost forever.

Congrats to you, you can always say to others that you had a stalker once-upon-a-time in your life. I just hate God, for making me the one. So distasteful.

Au revoir

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