Friday, January 28, 2011

Diamond In The Rubble

Yesterday, I had a good time singing and recording my voice. Have you ever seen or heard amateur singers posting videos on YouTube? Well, it always put a smile on my face but  never thought that I'm one of them. No, I didn't post but I sounded exactly like them. I can't say I am a bad singer as no one is. It is just that I believe that anybody can be trained to have a good voice. All you need is practice to be good.

Anyway, my son doesn't like me to sing any song. From wherever he is in the house, he comes running to make me stop singing. So yesterday, after picking up kids at the bus stop, I made him hear. As expected, he was surprised from where the voice was coming as I was not singing. I thought, I'll have so much fun of making him listen to my voice when he is all tied up in the car seat. But OMG! things did not turn the way I thought. He criticized me so much like saying that people will give me one star out of four on youtube, if I post it there. Even then, I said no problem, I'll be happy as it is better than no rating. But he kept on going, insulting me further. That's it, I became so emotional, my good mood gone to bad.

I would have not been on emotional roller coaster, if he was criticizing about my singing skills. But he sometimes acts like an enemy and criticizes everything I do including my art work. I gave him a lesson about how mean he sounds. I told him that there is a lot in you, I can criticize but instead of doing that, I support everything you do. I treat your failure as mine. I asked whether he feels high above everybody by being so nasty. Does that make me be happy? My heart was so broken with his behavior. You think that your family especially your kids will be supportive and will always be there to cheer for you, but God, they can kill you with an instant nasty immature comment.

Actually, I got mentally hurt on Wednesday when I took my kids for the piano class. Their teacher usually is nice and friendly but that day for whatever the reason her mood was off. It all started when my son started playing his pieces. He usually is very perfect in whatever song has been assigned to him prior week but that day he did not play well as for the whole week, his mind was wandering for football on TV or sibling playing chess at home. So, the teacher told him sternly about his mistakes and told him that she can't go through all the pieces as she can't teach technique and pieces in thirty minutes class. She is the one who gave him all those songs to practice. Anyway, I know something was bothering her and she is showing her nastiness on us. After that my daughter played and she was awful as she didn't practice due to being ill for two days. That's it, the teacher picked up on her mistakes and asked her who told you to practice with hands together. You've to respect your teachers instructions and not to anybody. I know she was implying all the indirect to me. She kept on instructing her without looking at me, not even once. Indirectly trying to disrespect me as usually she lets me know how to make my daughter practice.

I heard over and over many times from our kids Ex-piano teacher about how special I am, how I spend my time in making them practice songs, how I learn on my own and help them learn new pieces. When everything goes right, I won't get credit from this current teacher but when kids play bad, the hell breaks. Is it actually my responsibility or its hers to teach and guide kids of how to count and play a new song? I usually do all the teaching once she assigns the song. I didn't help this week as she herself told me not to help my daughter with music note.

Anyway, I didn't like her disrespecting and talking directly to my kid and ignoring me while having the conversation like as if I am not existing. I have no room in my heart for people who disrespect me. They have no right to insult me in anyway. Its not that I'm angry over them but once someone breaks my heart, I cannot reconnect with that person ever.

Now, I hate to go for the next class and sit there for the whole time. Even though nothing jubilant happening in my life, I try to be find something to cheer myself up when everybody around me tries to put me down. I feel that was the reason I chased a guy for more than two years as he gave that hope that someone can like me for who I am but he too didn't last long. I guess life sucks for people who has mediocre skills and not superbly smart to live in this world. Why I am talking about smartness is because the other day I lost a chess game to my husband. He is so smart and go getter in whatever he does. Any game I play with him, I lose. After reading mindset book by Carol Dweck, I know that everybody is same intellectually but if someone is good at something, its not because of his smartness but due to their hardwork.

My husbands confidence level is so high that someone can insult him but cannot put him down but when it comes to me, anybody can easily break my heart. From my son to teacher to my husband or even any stranger. I usually have a very good understanding about myself but sometimes due to not being successful in life in anything makes my confidence level nose dive and which leads to depression. The only one thing which put a smile on my face is when my husband saw my oil painting work and asked is she Cameron Diaz?

That was my diamond-in-the-rubble moment :)

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