Thursday, January 13, 2011

I'm Letting Someone To Destroy Me

Yesterday, I cried a lot. Everything is in my hand to be happy but I'm ruining my life by myself. Numerous times in my previous posts, I mentioned that I follow a guy not even follow but chase him on the internet. Not proud of it but for some reason I keep on doing it. Is this making me happy? A loud screaming NO! 

This years resolution was not to follow but then I thought if I don't chase him or be curious about him then my growth of learning new computer skills sinks. If you think of Napster or Facebook founder, they all became innovators by chasing someone(This theory is based on the "Social Network" movie). So, that's when I thought I should not stop being curious. See that is how I figured out how to check profile pictures and STATUS along with comments of facebook users who kept themselves public without logging into facebook.

Now, I have to find out how this guy has control on what information to exclude and include in google search. I researched so much on the internet but everybody says its up to google's algorithm. But I have noticed myself so many times of how he controls everything based on my search. Even he knows when I search  for him or anything related to him. For example, when I searched for his current girlfriend, her facebook account popped in the google search but later, after I searched, it disappeared from the search. Recently, I searched for her using her facebook id, it popped up in the search and even showed at least three profile pictures. And then one day, the search showed even a picture with him. But the next day, the picture with him is gone. And later after few days, all the pictures are gone. See, it doesn't happen like that, atleast the search should show the current profile picture but no all are gone. I checked with many facebook user id's, each and every one showed profile pictures of people who kept themselves public and open for search.

I don't know whether this my illusion or his authority over the internet....but I'm clueless and I can't find answers. I'm not sleeping well as I'm trying to analyze his motive or thinking about the time-line of when and what happened. My happiness is in my hands but I'm screwing myself. I don't want to talk to him or interact but sometimes I think about him ignoring me and not writing a personal friendly email is internally killing me and I'm not accepting the truth. I am totally screwed up. Everywhere and anywhere or anytime, all I do is think about him. Unknowingly without any conscious effort, I watch for a Nissan Red Titan truck everywhere whenever I'm on the road. You guessed it right that's what he drives and he let me know about it through Facebook profile.

I'm living like two lives, mornings...search like a vagabond on the internet and evenings - more like a devoted mom. I just hate myself. I'm better than this but I seem to have no control. I know for sure, he doesn't deserve my attention or my valuable time. I don't care whom he f****. I am literally giving my life, my time to someone who doesn't care and has nothing to do with my life. 

But the belief in him was so strong that I never thought he will treat me like I'm nothing. I don't know for some reason I developed this notion that he'll always be good with me and treat me like I'm special. But things were never like that from that time I found him on the internet. He always kept me at distance, never said anything to keep my belief strong. In fact, he might be thinking that I'm a loser, a freak, an idiot. All these thoughts are killing me and the worst thing is I'm acting that way and giving a chance for someone to label me like that and that too from the person whom I believed.

I want to run away or go into deep coma and come out refreshingly without having a single thought about him. I need help but I can't say to anyone. Something totally is wrong with me. I can't bear of someone thinking me in a degrading way. But my stupid brain is making me do something which I don't want to do.  This is going on from almost two and half years. I'm his Internet ghost. I visualize my chase as some dragon whom you are trying to kill but keeps on coming even though you chopped numerous times. The more I chase him, the more I'll be depressed. I feel like he came to my life just to destroy me. He didn't come to show me what love is or to love me unconditionally or to make me feel special but he came to show my weakness, to show that how easily someone can screw my life. And I'm allowing it to happen.

One thing, I learned is I'm lucky for not being born in United States or else, I would have gone through this dating, breaking up and being perfect from head to toe shit to find a suitable prince. In past 2-1/2 years, I have studied his and his friends dating life. They are all like dating someone, posting pictures as a fabulous couple, showing off their love and then ta-da sudden, relationship change "SINGLE". What a wonder? And then you see within a week or two, posing with a new girl. Ugh..so irritating. No bond to anybody. I always thought love is something special which happens rarely but God, who thought about the hell which comes later or how everybody's thoughts are not on the same page or how easily the love of your life gets upset and breaks and chooses someone with in an instant, in the same freaking life and in the same town. You really need to be emotionally tough to survive here. LIFE IS TOUGH!

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