Friday, January 28, 2011

Diamond In The Rubble

Yesterday, I had a good time singing and recording my voice. Have you ever seen or heard amateur singers posting videos on YouTube? Well, it always put a smile on my face but  never thought that I'm one of them. No, I didn't post but I sounded exactly like them. I can't say I am a bad singer as no one is. It is just that I believe that anybody can be trained to have a good voice. All you need is practice to be good.

Anyway, my son doesn't like me to sing any song. From wherever he is in the house, he comes running to make me stop singing. So yesterday, after picking up kids at the bus stop, I made him hear. As expected, he was surprised from where the voice was coming as I was not singing. I thought, I'll have so much fun of making him listen to my voice when he is all tied up in the car seat. But OMG! things did not turn the way I thought. He criticized me so much like saying that people will give me one star out of four on youtube, if I post it there. Even then, I said no problem, I'll be happy as it is better than no rating. But he kept on going, insulting me further. That's it, I became so emotional, my good mood gone to bad.

I would have not been on emotional roller coaster, if he was criticizing about my singing skills. But he sometimes acts like an enemy and criticizes everything I do including my art work. I gave him a lesson about how mean he sounds. I told him that there is a lot in you, I can criticize but instead of doing that, I support everything you do. I treat your failure as mine. I asked whether he feels high above everybody by being so nasty. Does that make me be happy? My heart was so broken with his behavior. You think that your family especially your kids will be supportive and will always be there to cheer for you, but God, they can kill you with an instant nasty immature comment.

Actually, I got mentally hurt on Wednesday when I took my kids for the piano class. Their teacher usually is nice and friendly but that day for whatever the reason her mood was off. It all started when my son started playing his pieces. He usually is very perfect in whatever song has been assigned to him prior week but that day he did not play well as for the whole week, his mind was wandering for football on TV or sibling playing chess at home. So, the teacher told him sternly about his mistakes and told him that she can't go through all the pieces as she can't teach technique and pieces in thirty minutes class. She is the one who gave him all those songs to practice. Anyway, I know something was bothering her and she is showing her nastiness on us. After that my daughter played and she was awful as she didn't practice due to being ill for two days. That's it, the teacher picked up on her mistakes and asked her who told you to practice with hands together. You've to respect your teachers instructions and not to anybody. I know she was implying all the indirect to me. She kept on instructing her without looking at me, not even once. Indirectly trying to disrespect me as usually she lets me know how to make my daughter practice.

I heard over and over many times from our kids Ex-piano teacher about how special I am, how I spend my time in making them practice songs, how I learn on my own and help them learn new pieces. When everything goes right, I won't get credit from this current teacher but when kids play bad, the hell breaks. Is it actually my responsibility or its hers to teach and guide kids of how to count and play a new song? I usually do all the teaching once she assigns the song. I didn't help this week as she herself told me not to help my daughter with music note.

Anyway, I didn't like her disrespecting and talking directly to my kid and ignoring me while having the conversation like as if I am not existing. I have no room in my heart for people who disrespect me. They have no right to insult me in anyway. Its not that I'm angry over them but once someone breaks my heart, I cannot reconnect with that person ever.

Now, I hate to go for the next class and sit there for the whole time. Even though nothing jubilant happening in my life, I try to be find something to cheer myself up when everybody around me tries to put me down. I feel that was the reason I chased a guy for more than two years as he gave that hope that someone can like me for who I am but he too didn't last long. I guess life sucks for people who has mediocre skills and not superbly smart to live in this world. Why I am talking about smartness is because the other day I lost a chess game to my husband. He is so smart and go getter in whatever he does. Any game I play with him, I lose. After reading mindset book by Carol Dweck, I know that everybody is same intellectually but if someone is good at something, its not because of his smartness but due to their hardwork.

My husbands confidence level is so high that someone can insult him but cannot put him down but when it comes to me, anybody can easily break my heart. From my son to teacher to my husband or even any stranger. I usually have a very good understanding about myself but sometimes due to not being successful in life in anything makes my confidence level nose dive and which leads to depression. The only one thing which put a smile on my face is when my husband saw my oil painting work and asked is she Cameron Diaz?

That was my diamond-in-the-rubble moment :)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Don't be shy to sing!

Today, I had so much recording myself on itouch while singing some of my favorite songs. I'm not great at singing but I really enjoyed listening to myself and chuckling to myself how lousy I was in between and how inbetween the flow was not there but believe me, it will make you chuckle so go try;)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fun Turned Out To Be A Disaster

Recently, I started playing chess with my husband. I usually don't like to play any game with him as he is too competitive and would always love to defeat me. So same story again and I lost even after pretty good moves.

I lost the game and I lost my temper too. I created unnecessary animosity among us. I started saying how he takes pride in defeating me, how every move he took more than ten minutes and how he acted as if his life was on the line. Really, why can't he make mistakes and have fun while playing rather than be serious and play like as if he is going to get a trophy? Anyway he told that from next game onwards, we'll be playing two-minute time out for every move.

What I figured out is you should do somethings which makes you feel good rather than feel like a loser. I guess you should not play competitive games with your husband. The loser will never feel better. I was sore loser and on top of that I argued with him in front of my kids. At the end the day, both of my decisions of playing and then arguing about the loss in front of kids, made me feel guilty. How can I tell my kids to be gracious even after loss when I myself don't follow such rules.

Something to laugh on after I updated facebook status of how disappointed I was after playing with my husband:

"who won the game ? :-)"

"Winning game is not be the issue.. Argument might be abt who knows the game better... :) Even if king knows nothing, shouldn't say it on face.. King is always king ;) take it easy.." 

"the point is - to give them something munchy, so they get busy with that while u plan ur strategy......i agree with ur friend..take it easy, its just a game...."

: "First Management principle.. 1. Boss is always right 2. If Boss does some thing wrong.. Refer to point one above,,, :)"

"let us hear from her...what has really happened instead of giving your commentary :-)"

Me: "Of course I was the sore loser but I lost my temper because he played like as if he is going to get a trophy, every move was like ten minute thought process. If your opponent makes mistakes then only it's fun to play but he was like his lif...e was hanging on it and if he loses... his pride may go down. No, I'm not good example for kids. First, I lose the game and then I lost my temper. Guilty of two things. Anyway for the next game, we decided to allocate two minutes for every move. I guess with husbands you should play only fun games not competitive games ;)"

"where are your hubby's comments on this topic...we need to hear both sides before we deliver our decision :-)" 

"Ego comes wired with men...u cant detach it from them without breaking their system.....its tragic, but true....we just have to learn to live with it....."

"so right..fault always lies with men..this way or that way ;-)" 

Me: "Daughter: Mommy, look we don't mind losing to Daddy.
        Me: yeah, you're mature
Daughter: what does that mean?
        Son: means you're almost like an adult.
Daughter: so we're adults and mommy is not.
     ...Me(thinking to myself): you don't's complicated:(

Hope facebooks beacons won't read my messages or else they may start displaying commercials about " how not to be a sore loser?" or "tips for how to win chess games" or "how to get along or how to have    fun with your husband?".... Haha... Never ending funny thoughts:)

@MyFriend, Shhh... Hubby has no clue about my facebook rants;) until unless you plan for something.

MyFriend, yes totally EGO"

Friday, January 14, 2011

I'm In So Love With This Song

You should hear this song. Invigorating emotional feelings and lifting my spirits high. Its like some kind of drug intake(that's how people express on TV when they consume drugs), taking me to some beautiful, fantasy world, raising my hopes high....making me feel like as if all my dark secret wishes are going to come true. As if there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just feel like dancing with the flow of the music and at the same time sing and express my feelings, but darn, no lyrics. My son will be playing this song for his upcoming Jazz contest. Once my son learns and plays this song for the contest, I'll post his youtube video til then enjoy Evan's version:

Well composed song by Robert Vandall. I hope my son can compose this kind of jazz based piano music. The song has so much depth and emotions in each note. I guess this song will be my happy mantra. .

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I'm Letting Someone To Destroy Me

Yesterday, I cried a lot. Everything is in my hand to be happy but I'm ruining my life by myself. Numerous times in my previous posts, I mentioned that I follow a guy not even follow but chase him on the internet. Not proud of it but for some reason I keep on doing it. Is this making me happy? A loud screaming NO! 

This years resolution was not to follow but then I thought if I don't chase him or be curious about him then my growth of learning new computer skills sinks. If you think of Napster or Facebook founder, they all became innovators by chasing someone(This theory is based on the "Social Network" movie). So, that's when I thought I should not stop being curious. See that is how I figured out how to check profile pictures and STATUS along with comments of facebook users who kept themselves public without logging into facebook.

Now, I have to find out how this guy has control on what information to exclude and include in google search. I researched so much on the internet but everybody says its up to google's algorithm. But I have noticed myself so many times of how he controls everything based on my search. Even he knows when I search  for him or anything related to him. For example, when I searched for his current girlfriend, her facebook account popped in the google search but later, after I searched, it disappeared from the search. Recently, I searched for her using her facebook id, it popped up in the search and even showed at least three profile pictures. And then one day, the search showed even a picture with him. But the next day, the picture with him is gone. And later after few days, all the pictures are gone. See, it doesn't happen like that, atleast the search should show the current profile picture but no all are gone. I checked with many facebook user id's, each and every one showed profile pictures of people who kept themselves public and open for search.

I don't know whether this my illusion or his authority over the internet....but I'm clueless and I can't find answers. I'm not sleeping well as I'm trying to analyze his motive or thinking about the time-line of when and what happened. My happiness is in my hands but I'm screwing myself. I don't want to talk to him or interact but sometimes I think about him ignoring me and not writing a personal friendly email is internally killing me and I'm not accepting the truth. I am totally screwed up. Everywhere and anywhere or anytime, all I do is think about him. Unknowingly without any conscious effort, I watch for a Nissan Red Titan truck everywhere whenever I'm on the road. You guessed it right that's what he drives and he let me know about it through Facebook profile.

I'm living like two lives, like a vagabond on the internet and evenings - more like a devoted mom. I just hate myself. I'm better than this but I seem to have no control. I know for sure, he doesn't deserve my attention or my valuable time. I don't care whom he f****. I am literally giving my life, my time to someone who doesn't care and has nothing to do with my life. 

But the belief in him was so strong that I never thought he will treat me like I'm nothing. I don't know for some reason I developed this notion that he'll always be good with me and treat me like I'm special. But things were never like that from that time I found him on the internet. He always kept me at distance, never said anything to keep my belief strong. In fact, he might be thinking that I'm a loser, a freak, an idiot. All these thoughts are killing me and the worst thing is I'm acting that way and giving a chance for someone to label me like that and that too from the person whom I believed.

I want to run away or go into deep coma and come out refreshingly without having a single thought about him. I need help but I can't say to anyone. Something totally is wrong with me. I can't bear of someone thinking me in a degrading way. But my stupid brain is making me do something which I don't want to do.  This is going on from almost two and half years. I'm his Internet ghost. I visualize my chase as some dragon whom you are trying to kill but keeps on coming even though you chopped numerous times. The more I chase him, the more I'll be depressed. I feel like he came to my life just to destroy me. He didn't come to show me what love is or to love me unconditionally or to make me feel special but he came to show my weakness, to show that how easily someone can screw my life. And I'm allowing it to happen.

One thing, I learned is I'm lucky for not being born in United States or else, I would have gone through this dating, breaking up and being perfect from head to toe shit to find a suitable prince. In past 2-1/2 years, I have studied his and his friends dating life. They are all like dating someone, posting pictures as a fabulous couple, showing off their love and then ta-da sudden, relationship change "SINGLE". What a wonder? And then you see within a week or two, posing with a new girl. irritating. No bond to anybody. I always thought love is something special which happens rarely but God, who thought about the hell which comes later or how everybody's thoughts are not on the same page or how easily the love of your life gets upset and breaks and chooses someone with in an instant, in the same freaking life and in the same town. You really need to be emotionally tough to survive here. LIFE IS TOUGH!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Mindset, The New Psychology Of Success by Carol Dweck

I read and would highly recommend for parents to read for themselves and for their kids but meanwhile would like to share important clips from the book "Mindset, The New Psychology Of Success" By Carol S. Dweck:

            Fixed Mind Set
            Growth Mind Set
 You were smart or you weren’t but failure meant you weren’t. Struggles, mistakes, perseverance were just not part of the picture.
Not only weren’t they discouraged by failure, they did not even think they were failing. They thought they were learning.
Nothing ventured, nothing lost.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
If at first you don’t succeed, you probably don’t have the ability. If Rome wasn’t built in a day, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.
If  at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself.
The world of changing qualities-its about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself.
Failure is about having a setback.
Failure is about not growing. Not reading for the things you value. It means you’re not fulfilling your potential.
Failure means you’re not smart or talented. If you were, you wouldn’t need effort.
Effort is what makes you smart or talented.
They want to make sure they succeed. Smart people should always succeed.
Success is about stretching themselves. It is about becoming smarter.
They thrive when things are safely within their grasp. If things get too challenging, they lose interest.
Don’t just seek challenge, they thrive on it. The bigger the challenge, the more they stretch.
Ideal mate: Put them on pedestal. Make them feel perfect. Worship them.
Ideal mate: See their faults and help them to work on them. Challenge them to become a better person. Encourage them to learn new things. Certainly, they didn’t want people to pick on them or undermine their self-esteem, but they did want people to foster their development.
Being perfect right now
Its not about immediate perfection. Its about learning something over time: confronting a challenge and making progress.
The loss of one’s self to failure can be a permanent, haunting trauma.
They wanted to correct their deficiency.
They try to repair their self-esteem after a failure is by assigning blame or making excuses.

The more depressed they felt, the more they let things go, the less they took action to solve their problems. They didn’t study what they needed to, they didn’t keep up with their chores.`
The more depressed people with growth mindset felt, the more they took action to confront their problems, the more they made sure to keep up with their schoolwork, and the more they kept up with their lives.
If you work at something, you must not be good at it. Things come easily to people who are true geniuses.
Even geniuses have to work hard for their achievements. They appreciate endowment, but they admire effort, for no matter what your ability is, effort is what ignites that ability and turns it into accomplishment.
Seabiscuit, the horse’s story through fixed mind set – it’s a great story about three men and a horse, all with deficiencies, who had to try very hard.
Seabiscuit, the horse’s story through growth mind set – the power of effort to change your ability and to change you as a person.
Effort is only for people with deficiencies. But if your claim to fame is not having any deficiencies-if you’re considered a genius, a talent, or a natural-then you have a lot to lose. Effort can reduce you.

Success is about being more gifted than others, that failure does measure you and that effort is for those who can’t make it on talent.
Success is about being best self, not about being better than others; failures is an opportunity, not condemnation; effort is the key to success.

Believing talents can be developed allows people to fulfill their potential.

Growth mindset allow people to love what they’re doing and to continue to love it in the face of difficulties.
The top is where the fixed mindset hunger to be.
They didn’t have plan to go to the top. They got there as a result of doing what they love. They arrive at the top as a by-product of their enthusiasm for what they do.
Everything is about the outcome. If you fail-or if you’re not the best-its all been wasted.
Allows people to value what they’re regardless of the outcome.
Creates the feeling that you can really know the permanent truth about yourself. Drawback is you may be robbing yourself of an opportunity by underestimating your talent in the first area. Or you may be undermining your chances of success in the second area by assuming that your talent alone will take you there.

Stand in the way of development and change.
Growth mindset is a starting point for change.

For growth mindset. It doesn’t make sense to stop trying. For them, adolescence is a time of opportunity: a time to learn new subjects, a time to find out what they like and what they want to become in the future.

Students with this mindset were studying to learn, not just to ace the test. And, actually this was why they got higher grades-not because they were smarter or had a better background.
In this mindset, both positive and negative labels can mess with your mind.When you’re given a positive label, you’re afraid of losing it and when you’re hit with a negative label, you’re afraid of deserving it.
The stereotype doesn’t disrupt their performance. They don’t believe in permanent inferiority. And if they are behind-well, then they’ll work harder and try to catch up.
When things go wrong, they lose their focus and their ability, putting everything they want, everything the team and fans so desperately want-in jeopardy.
Growth mindsets were the one who showed the most character or heart. They were the ones who had the minds of champion.
Key weapons of this mindset is blame, excuses and the stifling of critics and rivals.
Found success in doing their best, in learning and improving.
Those with this mindset found setbacks motivating. They’re informative. They’re a wake-up call.
When bosses become controlling and abusive, they put everyone into fixed mindset. This means that instead of learning, growing and moving the company forward, everyone starts worrying about being judged, It starts with the bosses’ worry about being judged, but it winds up being everybody’s fear about being judged, Its hard for courage and innovation to service a companywide fixed mindset. Their world is so small and confining and only one thing on mind- validate me
But in growth mindset leader, me me me of the validation-hungry CEO becoming the “we” and “us”.
Full of bitterness
Full of gratitude. They looked up with gratitude to their workers who made their amazing journey possible. They called them the real heroes.

Great leaders with this mindset agreed they all are made but born as leaders and made more by themselves than by any external means.

When it comes to relationships, the growth mindset’s number one goal was forgiveness.
When it comes to relationships, all your personal traits are fixed. You can believe that your qualities are fixed, your partner’s qualities are fixed, and the relationship's qualities are fixed-that its inherently good or bad, meant-to be or not meant to be. Now all of these things are up for judgment.
The growth mindset says al of these things can be developed. All – you, your partner, and the relationship- are capable of growth and change.
The ideal is instant, perfect and perpetual compatibility. Like it was meant to be. Like they lived happily ever after.

Working on a relationship means they are not meant to be.
They believe that a good, lasting relationship comes from effort and from working through inevitable differences.
The fixed mindset makes you concerned about judgment and this can make you self-conscious and anxious.

Shyness harmed the social interaction of people with this mindset. They wanted to avoid meeting someone who might be more socially skilled than they were, They were worried about mistakes. They feared the risk.

After certain time, they continued to be nervous and continued to do more socially awkward things, like avoiding eye contact or trying to avoid talking.
Shyness did not harm growth mindset. They looked on social situations as challenges. Even though they felt anxious, they actively welcomed the chance to meet someone new.

After certain time, they felt less shy and nervous as the interaction wore on.
Average everyday kids with a fixed mindset think about violent revenge if someone bullies them. Even if the victim doesn’t have a fixed mindset to begin with, prolonged bullying can instill in them and lead them to violent activities.
Kids with growth mindset see bullies as someone who has psychological problems, a way for the bullies to gain status or charge their self-esteem.

The worse they felt, the more they did the constructive thing. The less they felt like it, the more they made themselves do it.
Many people with the fixed mindset understand that their cloak of specialness was really a suit or armor they built to feel safe, strong, and worthy. While it may have protected them early on, later it constricted their growth, sent them into self-defeating battles, and cut them off from satisfying, mutual relationships.

  • The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life.
  • According to Benjamin barber, an eminent sociologist: I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures…I divide the world into the learners and nonlearners.
  • Jim Marshall, a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings said after his touchdown but ran the worng way and scored for the wrong team: If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it. Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team’s victory.
  • John Wooden, the legendary basketball coach says you aren’t a failure until you start to blame. What he means is that you can still be in the process id learning from your mistakes until you deny them.
  • When people believe their basic qualities can be develpoed, failures may still hurt but failures don’t define them. And if abilities can be expanded-if change and growth are possible-then there are still many paths to success.
  • A down-and-out nation saw Seabiscuit, the horse and rider as a symbol of what could be accomplished through grit and spirit.
  • Nadja Salerno-Sonnenburg, a violinist said “You have to work hardest for the things you love most. And when its music you love, you’re in for the fight of your life.”
  • Mindsets are an important part of your personality, but you can change them. People tell that they start to catch themselves when are in the throes of the fixed mindset- passing up a chance for learning, feeling labeled by a failure, or getting deiscouraged when something requires a lot of effort. And then they switch themselves into the growth mindset- making sure they take the challenge, learn from the failure, or continue their effort.
  • It’s true that effort is crucial-no one can succeed for long without it-but its certainly not the only thing. People have different resources and opportunitites. For example, people with money have a sefety net. Rich, educated, connected effort works better. Before we judge, lets remember that effort isn’t quite everyhting and that all effort is not created equal.
  • The growth mindset doesn’t mean everything that can be changed should be changed. We all need to accept some of our imperfections, especially the ones that don’t really harm our lives or the lives of others.
  • Picture you brain forming new connections as you meet the challenge and learn. Keep on going.
  • In rest of your life, seek constructive criticism.
  • If something in the past has measured you then ask questions like what did I learn from the experience? How can I use it as a basis for growth?
  • Next time you feel low, put yourself in a growth mindset-think about learning, challenge, confronting obstacles. Think about effort as a positive, constructive force, not as a big drag.
  • Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but were afraid you weren’t good at? Make a plan to do it.
  • Thmoas Edison was genious but he never stopped being the curious, tinkering boy looking for new challenges.
  • Mozart labored for than ten years until he produces any work that we admire today.
  • Working hard was not something that made you vulnerable, but something that made you smarter.
  • Prodigies or not, we all have interests that can blossom into abilities.
  • After 40 years of research on school learning Mr. Benjamin Bloom, an eminent educational researcher’s conclusion is: What any person in the world can learn, almost all persons can learn, if provided with appropriate prior and current conditions of learning.
  • Never underestimate that you cannot be an artist as art is not drawing skills but seeing skills. They are the ability to perceive edges, spaces, relationships, lights and shadows and the whole.
  • Just because some people can do something with little or no training, it doesn’t mean that others can’t do it with training.
  • See failure not as a sign of stupidity but as lack of experience and skill.
  • Do not label your kids. Remember that you’re not helping them-even though you maybe praising them. Find a growth-minset way to compliment them that is stressing on their hardwork.
  • Physical endowment is not like intellectual endowment. It’s visible. Size, build, agility are all visible. Practice and training are also visible, and they produce visible results.
  • Muhammad Ali, the boxer was not a naturally born boxer or had a physical endowment but had a growth mindset. His physical performances in the ring were absolutely wrong…yet his brain was always in perfect working condition. He used opponents fixed mindset thinking and made it to work against them. He showed us all that all victories come from here hitting his forhead with his index finger. Then he raised a pair of fists saying not from here. His famous quote:
Float like a butterfly,
Sting like a bee
Your hands cant hit
What your eyes can’t see.
  • Michael Jordan, the famous basketball player is a genious who constantly wants to upgrade his genius. His famous quote which he always believed in it is “The mental toughness and the heart are a lot stronger than some of the physical advantages you might have.”
  • Wilma Rudolph the fast woman on earth who won three gold medals for sprints and relay in 1969 was far from a physical wonder as a youngster. She was a prematue baby, the twentieth of twent two children born to her parents and a constant sick child. At four years of age, she nearly died of a long struggle with double pneumonia, fever and polio, emerging with a mostly paralyzed leg. Doctors gave her little help using it again. For eight years, she vigorously pursued physical therapy until at age twelve, she shed her leg brace and bagan to walk normally. After her incredible career, she said, “I just wanted to be remembered as a hardworking lady.”
  • Billie Jean King – The mark of a champion is the ability to win when things are not quite right.
  • Many famous people with growth mindset had character. None of them thought they were special people born with the right to win. They were people who worked hard, who learned how to keep their focus under pressure, and who stretched beyond their ordinary abilities when they had to.
  • Character is what allows you to reach the top and stay there.
  • Always remind yourself that famous sportsman had character more than ability.
  • To be successful in sports, you need to learn techniques and skills and practice them regularly.
  • The great leaders said they didn’t set out to be leaders. They’d had no interest in proving themselves. They just did what they loved-with tremendous drive and enthusiasm-and it led where it led.
  • Tue self-confidence is the courage to be open-to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source.
  • John Gottman, a foremost relationsip researcher: “Every marriage demands on effort to keep it on the right track; there is a constant tension…between the forces that hold you together and those that can tear you apart.”
  • There are no great relationships without conflicts and problems along the way. The trick is to acknowledge each other’s limitations, and build from there.
  • My partner is incapable of change. Nothing can improve our relationship. These ideas are almost always wrong.
  • They are many good ways to support our partners or show interst in their lives but by not competing or surpassing them and proving that you are good at his misery and failure.
  • Everyone has virtues and foibles, and that, really, if you looked only for perfect people, your social circle would be impoverished.
  • Your failures and misfortunes don’t threaten other people’s self-esteem. Ego wise, its easy to be sympathetic to someone in need, Its your assets and your successes that are problems for people who dervie their self-esteem from being superior.
  • Its not that bullies are low in self-esteem, but judging and demeaning others can give them a self-esteem rush.
  • Every word or an action sends a message to kid -  either with a fixed mindset you can say-you have permanent traits and I’m judging them or it can be a growth mindset message that says you are a developing person and I am interested in your development.
  • In France, when they’re nice to you, you feel like you’ve passed a test, but in Italy, there is no test.
  • Praising childrens intelligence harms their motivation and it harms their performance.
  • Praise should not deal with the child’s personality attributes but with his efforts and achievements.
  • Skills and acheievement come through commitment and effort.
  • If you give some assignment to work on for your kid and if he/she does in jiffy say “Whoops. I guess that was too easy. I apologize for wasting your time. Let’s do something you can really learn from.”
  • Say to your kid: If this is something you really want, then its soemthing you’ll really have to work for.
  • Whatever your child wants to become, let him become but you can foster him by giving ideas but don’t expect them to turn the way you want them to be. This shows that you can have superinvolved parents who still foster the childs growth rather than replacing it with their own pressure and judgements.
  • A successful student is one whose primary goal is to expand theur knowledge and their ways of thinking and investigating the world.
  • How to change yourself from fixed to growth: The new beliefs take their place alongside the old ones and as they become stronger they give you a different way to think and act. When you learn new things, these tiny connections in the brain actually multiply and get stronger.
  • When your boss/teacher criticizes you, you should change your mindset and that they are not criticizing you but your work and it is their job and your job is to learn from the critique and make your work even better.
  • Opening yourself up to growth makes you more yourself, not less.
  • If you have goal to achieve, intense vowing to yourself won’t help. So the idea is not only to make a growth-mindset plan, but also to visualize, in a concrete way, how you’re going to carry it out. The critical thing is to make a concrete, growth-oriented plan, and to stick to it.
  • When a relationship goes soar, these are the issues we all need to explore in depth, not to judge ourselves for what went wrong, but to overcome our fears and learn the communication skills we’ll need to build and maintain better relationships in the future. Ultimately, a growth mindset allows people to carry forth not judgements and bitterness, but new understanding and new skills.
  • If someone in your life trying to tell you something you’re refusing to hear? Step into the growth mindset and listen again.
  • Some of the questions, you should be asking your child: “What did you learn today?”, “What mistake did you make that taught you something?” “What did you try hard at today?”
  • Discussiions with you child: You talk about skills you have today that you didn’t have yesterday because of the practice you put in. You dramatize mistakes you made that held the key to the solution, telling it like a mistery story. You describer with relish things you’re struggling with and making progress on. Soon the child can’t wait each night to their stories.
  • When your kid boasts about being a champ, you say, “Champs are the people who work the hardest. You can become a champ. Tomorrow tell me something you did to become a champ.”
  • When he does his homework and calls it easy or boring, you teach him to find ways to make it more fun and challenging.
  • You encourage the children to talk about ways they learned to make friends, or ways they’re learning to understand and help others.
  • You want to communicate that feats of intellect or physical prowess are not all you care about.
  • The fixed mindset is so very tempting. It seems to promise children a lifetime of worth, success and admiration just for sitting there and being who they are. That’s why it can take a lot of work to make the growth mindset flourish where the fixed mindset has taken root.
  • When your child behaves unruly- Show respect to his efforts and praise his strategies ehen he was empathic or helpful.
  • When you are in anger over your spouse: First spouses can’t read your mind, so when an anger provoking situation arises, you have to matter-of-factly tell them how it makes you feel, they, inturn can reassure you that they care about how you fell and will try to be more watchful.
  • When you feel yourself losing it, you can learn to leave the room and write down your ugliest thoughts, followed by what is probably really happening. When you feel calm enough, you can return to the situation.
  • Every lapse doesn’t spell doom. It’s like anything else in the growth mindset. It’s a reminder that you’re unfinished human being and a clue to how to do it better next time.
  • Mindset change is not about picking up a few pointers here and there. Its about seeing thing sin a new way. When people-couples, coaches and athletes, managers and workers, parents and childrenm teachers and students-change to a growth mindset, they change from a judge-and-be-judge framework to a learn-and help-learn framework. Their commitment is to growth and growth takes plenty of time, effort, and mutual support.

Ethan Hawke's Before Sunset

My first thoughts while watching this movie was about Ethan Hawke. He looked depressed, slim and too old. Did he do it purposefully for the movie sake? Well, I don't know. That look on his face made the movie close to my heart and made it real.

I was so engrossed while watching this movie that I never knew how time passed by. At the beginning of the movie, their meeting after nine years was not dramatic at all and on top of that, she talked about every aspect of her life other than love or how she missed him. We can clearly look in his face, the pain, the longing but she was cold and unattached. Later at the end of the movie, you get answers of why she was like that.

I totally liked the movie so much as I told you earlier of how it relates to me. The director left the ending for us to imagine. Well, my ending will be like this: He'll stay back in Paris for few more days and then travel to US to get divorce as you can see by look on his face of how unhappy he was, the whole time he was with his wife. This is his second chance to make his life the way he want with love of his life and I bet, he'll never want to lose that chance forever. So, they live happily ever after and Celine will be a very good mother to his daughter.

One more thought occurred to me of why she did not turn up at the station after six months, the way they planned to meet. Even though because of her Grandma's death, by not coming, she kept the door open for her imagination but if she turned up and he did not, her love, her imagination, everything will die.

Well thanks to the internet, I found the guy who made me feel the way she felt for him but due to our complicated circumstances even though we both know how to get in touch with her, we'll never meet or interact ever. We "chose" to be DEAD for each other. Well, my heart longs for him but I can't do anything as this is how it is supposed to be and on top of that, we don't have respect or understanding for each other. If he wanted, we could have been distant good long lasting friends like knowing every path of his life and be supportive and helpful whenever he is in need. Something would have been better than being touch-me-not. I'm just waiting for that year where I totally would have forgotten about him and moved on with my life but I have to question myself "Is it possible?" after watching this movie.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Ethan Hawke's Before Sunrise

Have you ever heard or seen Ethan Hawke's 1995 movie "Before Sunrise"? Well, if you didn't, you should watch of course with a group as this movie has lot of talking and serious discussions on life and how meeting a stranger changes your life.The story goes like this: A young man and woman meet on a train in Europe, and wind up spending one romantic evening together in Vienna. Unfortunately, both know that this will probably be their only night together.

I watched with my husband along with my neighbors. We had so much fun discussing varied topics ranging from couples life before marriage to show off couples to fake love to after marriage fiascoes.

One thing for sure, every married woman has same kind of complaints about their husbands. For instance, my neighbor told about how she took an extra effort to grow her hair as that's what her fiance(at that time) told her to have before marriage. After marriage, she had it for two months but not once he told her how lovely she looked with her long hair. She patiently waited each and every day and then finally she chose short hair, even then sweet hubby of hers, did not bother to notice or comment. In his defense, my neighbors husband says that, many times words came up to tip of his tongue but he stopped himself as it may have sounded inappropriate and he wanted her to do what she likes rather than forcing his wishes on her. Sounds so typical...right?

We talked about how guys before marriage show their love and importance by opening a car door or giving beautiful flowers. Why all that changes, once you are married? Why that sweet talk of holding hands and looking into eyes and immersing himself in her chit chat while having lunch/dinner stops? Why that special planning for evenings and weekends stops?

This movie makes you think or talk about how Ethan Hawke travels to Europe to meet his girlfriend but she breaks up with him and how he overcomes that turmoil by meeting a stranger. If he didn't meet her, he would've been in pain and broken heart, hating himself and his surroundings. She gave him a new life, new thinking, new hope and something to hold on to. The whole time in this movie, the couple discuss about how their liking's to each other may change once they start knowing each other. That is true. Something like that I experienced. I guess sometimes its good to say good bye to your happy moment with someone rather than prolong and wait until the beautiful dream gets destroyed.

Finally at the end of the movie, these strangers decide to meet after six months and that's the sequel....can't wait to see it. But I can predict...things will not go well. I chased someone like that but after both came to know about each other, the feelings are same for the special guy I met but I can't relate the real guy to the guy who made me feel special and its vice-versa. The more you try to understand someone, the more its get complicated.

If any of you are planning to have a movie club, this one goes right on the top.