Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why Gloominess.....

From the time I'm conscious and 100% awake, this is the song ringing in my ears:

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open -
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

Over and over ringing in my ears. What does my brain want to say? I guess it is implying that I wrote so many unanswered letters, I set up every alert to get information about you, I do everything for you to be in touch with you but you won't do the same.

I don't even know what's causing the gloominess.. I have to send invitations to friends for New Years Eve Party. I need to plan for the party. I need to clean up the house, choose party dress, make the whole family ready for the party, make a cd on dance beats...so much to do, but don't want to do anything. All I want to do is painting that too gloomy faces, faces which are longing for someone. That's what is attracting to my eyes. I want to share his portrait with him which I drew by looking at his Myspace profile. Yeah, that thought gives me some kind of enthusiasm or else I don't feel any energy or charm in doing anything else otherwise.

Thinking to keep myself busy on weekdays by learning piano, exercising and painting. Keep everything scheduled until kids come home then I don't have to snoop on the internet and waste my precious time. But I won't do it. I don't understand why I'm scared to let him go. Poor soul don't understand that we were never meant for each other and he has gone..longtime ago. Does letting him go off  proves that chasing him was waste of time or that true love doesn't exist or that we were not connected but just I was mentally unstable ..is that's what the fear is - coming to understand and its time to face the truth.... The more you look in the rear view mirror, the more the chances of you, crashing your future, the life which is ahead of you. But what my half of my brain won't understand is I really long for him for whatever stupid reason it is. Why I'm empathetic towards his failures like as if its mine...why do I get offended as if someone is insulting me, if one part of my brain tries to see faults on him like about his English grammar or spelling blunders like "coarse" for "course" or his long chin. Why don't I see all these flaws and run away like a person on one particular blog  which I came across on the internet - criticized and was happy to not have that kind of "boyfriends"as her partner. Why can't I be selfish and just let him go like its not a big deal. Why I don't want to ignore him thinking he is nothing but an ordinary young man learning to survive and leading a single man's life of dating, hooking up with some ordinary girl, crashing at parties and drinking irresponsibly.  A big NO! I don't want to talk or interact with him. I'm so satisfied and happy to be far and still near by following him on forums.  I found this cool website "changedetection.com", which checks for you the website for any change and lets you know what kind of change of happened and when.  I don't want in any form to disturb him. I want to be dead for him. One of the reason I want to be away from him is I'm not good in my thoughts...all this flaws my mind tries to deliver puts me in confusion when my other part of brain overrides and stresses that it has nothing to do with being in love no matter what kind of person he is. Anyway I can assure that a critic exists in me but there is a person in me exists who overrides all the flaws and is loyal and has affection for him, no matter however he is and wherever he is. No boundaries for my compassion. I'll be a ghost on the web til a longing soul exists in me.

I want to pursue learning piano which I stopped after few months..thought it was hard to memorize and get the fluency while playing a piece. I would love to compose music and write songs. But I don't know which key makes which sound or else I would've written so many. Everything takes time. Wish whatever is in my brain comes out in words and make everyday blog post. Wish every tune in my brain forms itself musical notes to play on the piano.

Started reading "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck . Very good book and that's what motivated to pursue piano and not give up, be a learner in the world and not to be a non-learner. Have a growth mindset and strive for learning new things. Don't think about failure or success but just think as a journey to new adventures, to the new land of unknown bright world of learning. Writing down and encouraging my kids to show keen interest on learning life's important skills for brighter future and enter the world of learners.

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