Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Vulnerable To Attention And Affection!

The other day when I was shopping in Kroger, a tall man gave me a glimpse more than once in different isles. I was surprised and shocked and thought what he got to do with me. I was saying to myself - don't give attention to me or else you will be harassed and stalked. But then after a while, we did not come across in each other's path and we went on with our lives.

Why I'm posting this today is because it made me think about 2008 year, when a young man gave me unwanted attention and shown deep affection, it has changed my entire life. I am still chasing him on the internet like a ghost. He made my life upside down and shown that how easily you can fall in love and how difficult it is to come out of breakup when you seriously get attached to someone.

I discovered a new way to check someone's public profile without logging into Facebook and that made me to go to his ex-girlfriend and now his close friend's profile. He dated her and broken up with her before meeting me but when I came anonymously on the internet to interact with him, he panicked and changed his relationship status to "in relationship" with her. But once he came to know its me, he tried his level best to prove that he is still single. Anyway I had my doubts so that made me go to her profile. He purposefully made their conversation public so that I can know that he dated her 3 1/2 years and now they are "close friends". See that's why I say - "we are special"....He always knew how to pass information and I always somehow figure out where to get it. Mine is an arranged marriage, got married fresh out of college. I never went through love and break up before. I did not know how easily people fall for one and break up and find another one. I feel sorry for him for breaking up with her as I feel she is right for him as she might be his first love, first adult experience....physically matching too. Anyway I strongly made up my mind of not to contact him ever. I' m so bruised and battered mentally. He totally altered my life. I don't know up to how long I can follow him online. That is one of the reason, I want to blog to know in future of "Once-upon-a-time how vulnerable I was?".

I feel sorry for him too for going through this emotional journey with me. But honestly, I was not myself. I was totally lost. I was pathetic but I was always open with my motives. I used to tell through emails of how exactly I used to feel. I was right on with what was on my mind. I even told him that we both are from different worlds so it is better to not-interact. I was not sure of my mental state. I said to him that I'll be in touch with him from far. But in the end, like Linkin Park lyrics goes...

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Will I ever do this again? No NEVER! J, remember I did not fall for your 6-pack or for you being good looking but due to my mental state. I was not even put off by your awful spellings or with your curse words or sometimes immensely rude and obnoxious behavior. That shows how intense and stupid I was and still I'm but now, I know how to handle and not fall again. God, I didn't know that guys just for fun flirt and try to act as if they really like the person. There is no truth into it. LIVE & LEARN!! I bet he might have thought what a weird person she is. When brain doesn't work, you got to take the name.

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