Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Baby Love My Baby Love

What my heart wants to say.....can't say better than this:

Ooh baby love, my baby love
I need you, oh how I need you
But all you do is treat me bad
Break my heart and leave me sad
Tell me, what did I do wrong
To make you stay away so long

'Cause baby love, my baby love
Been missing ya, miss kissing ya
Instead of breaking up
Let's do some kissing and making up
Don't throw our love away
In my arms why don't you stay
Need ya, need ya
Baby love, ooh, baby love

Baby love, my baby love
Why must we seperate, my love
All of my whole life through
I never loved no one but you
Why you do me like you do
I get this need

Ooh, ooh, need to hold you
Once again, my love
Feel your warm embrace, my love
Don't throw our love away

Please don't do me this way
Not happy like I used to be
Loneliness has got the best of me
My love, my baby love

I need you, oh how I need you
Why you do me like you do
After I've been true to you
So deep in love with you

Baby, baby, ooh 'til it's hurtin' me
'Til it's hurtin' me
Ooh, baby love
Don't throw our love away
Don't throw our love away

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Lost Sense Of Belonging!!

From long time I've been thinking but today I decided to stop my foolishness and take a decisive action of not anyway to get information about him. You chase until you feel the sense of belonging but once that waivers you are FREEEEEE......

Yes, I know J that I said I'll be in-touch with you forever but its becoming difficult to breath. If I follow you, I'll never be happy or be in my life or be in my surroundings. I'm getting separated from everybody, my kids, my husband. I no longer read books to kids or play or involve in them. When I sit at the dining table, I think like I'm in out of place and I've nothing to talk with my husband or kids. I'll be anxious to check emails to see any alert popped in. I constantly think of what's your strategy or motive for commenting like this or that or about your updated Facebook profile picture. Thanks to you, I hate Facebook too. Whenever I log in, I feel like we are in the same room and even though I can't see you, you can see all my moves which you proved that in virtual world, its possible. So, I can't log in. If I've to progress in life and be a responsible mother and wife, I need to stop. I saw your recent picture. I'm happy that you put on weight and back to how you were in 2008. This year I amused you a lot with my antics. You were so involved in amusement that you didn't once put yourself in my shoe and felt the pain I went through. Its all 'cause of your age and immaturity. One day, you'll know the answers of why I disappeared suddenly without any emails. Its all give and take J. You don't respect, you don't get it. I know nothing you'll lose, there are plenty of girls who are available and whom you'll date. So all the best with your life.

Even though you showed me happiness, you are the one who showed me what it is to be in somber mood. Our journey ends here. No way I want to get any information about you. I put all the alerts and information in other account and will not be logging in, at least that's what the plan is. What I'm visualizing is dropping a suitcase with collection of your stuff and waving goodbye without any feelings as if I've lost the sense of touch. I want to be happy and be available for the family. You never needed my affection nor you never need. So long to whoever you are. God help me to stick to the plan.

That reminds me Sara Bareilles "King Of Anything":

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Mood But No Participation From My Husband

For some reason, I'm in happy state of mood and I want to dance for this song.



Listening to this song makes me feel like I'm surrounded by love and want to dance crazily with the person whom I love but God, non-cooperative husband puts me in a damp mood. Why can't the music make him dance with his partner?

That's why you need to have kind of telepathy to feel excited even nothing happening around you. Sometimes my brain chemicals are so weird that even nothing happens I feel like I'm in ecstacy, just want to be happy and cheerful and dance around. Lucky, atleast my daughter is like me. She wants to dance and be merry.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Vulnerable To Attention And Affection!

The other day when I was shopping in Kroger, a tall man gave me a glimpse more than once in different isles. I was surprised and shocked and thought what he got to do with me. I was saying to myself - don't give attention to me or else you will be harassed and stalked. But then after a while, we did not come across in each other's path and we went on with our lives.

Why I'm posting this today is because it made me think about 2008 year, when a young man gave me unwanted attention and shown deep affection, it has changed my entire life. I am still chasing him on the internet like a ghost. He made my life upside down and shown that how easily you can fall in love and how difficult it is to come out of breakup when you seriously get attached to someone.

I discovered a new way to check someone's public profile without logging into Facebook and that made me to go to his ex-girlfriend and now his close friend's profile. He dated her and broken up with her before meeting me but when I came anonymously on the internet to interact with him, he panicked and changed his relationship status to "in relationship" with her. But once he came to know its me, he tried his level best to prove that he is still single. Anyway I had my doubts so that made me go to her profile. He purposefully made their conversation public so that I can know that he dated her 3 1/2 years and now they are "close friends". See that's why I say - "we are special"....He always knew how to pass information and I always somehow figure out where to get it. Mine is an arranged marriage, got married fresh out of college. I never went through love and break up before. I did not know how easily people fall for one and break up and find another one. I feel sorry for him for breaking up with her as I feel she is right for him as she might be his first love, first adult experience....physically matching too. Anyway I strongly made up my mind of not to contact him ever. I' m so bruised and battered mentally. He totally altered my life. I don't know up to how long I can follow him online. That is one of the reason, I want to blog to know in future of "Once-upon-a-time how vulnerable I was?".

I feel sorry for him too for going through this emotional journey with me. But honestly, I was not myself. I was totally lost. I was pathetic but I was always open with my motives. I used to tell through emails of how exactly I used to feel. I was right on with what was on my mind. I even told him that we both are from different worlds so it is better to not-interact. I was not sure of my mental state. I said to him that I'll be in touch with him from far. But in the end, like Linkin Park lyrics goes...

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Will I ever do this again? No NEVER! J, remember I did not fall for your 6-pack or for you being good looking but due to my mental state. I was not even put off by your awful spellings or with your curse words or sometimes immensely rude and obnoxious behavior. That shows how intense and stupid I was and still I'm but now, I know how to handle and not fall again. God, I didn't know that guys just for fun flirt and try to act as if they really like the person. There is no truth into it. LIVE & LEARN!! I bet he might have thought what a weird person she is. When brain doesn't work, you got to take the name.

Young And Single - When It Is Right Time To Find A Partner

Lately, I came up with a theory for youngsters is when it's good time to find a life companion, According to my obeservation, good time for single youngsters is before you turn 25 as that's when opposite gender madly falls in love for you and expects less from you as it is due to ignorance, inexperience and they believe deeply in their boyfriend/girlfriend and think without them the world will come to end. They won't think about family, finance, luxury or even normal day-to-day basis of how-to-lead-a-life. Gals are ready to do double shifts, work hard to keep their man happy and make him feel proud of whatever he is doing to keep them together and forever.

But once you cross 25...Oooo..thinks become harder. Lot of expectations from guys and gals. Gals expect guys to work in respected white collar job, should earn a good salary, would be willing to pay for dining/outdoor trips and should shower them with expensive, making friends-jealous kind of gifts. Don't know much of what guys expect...maybe like the way "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry song which conveys that she needs to be strong in delivering a joke, good sex, mind boggling body,  love sports and yeah definitely should be earning well to make the pair look more attractive.

I personally choose marriage before you turn 25 as you may even face difficulties to survive financially but there is a tender love which is irreplaceable not maligned with superficial desires or expectations.

Oh Yeah, My Son Is Allergic To My Voice!

To make my son to let his opinion out on any topic or to make him do household chores, all I've to do is sing. He'll do whatever it takes to stop me from singing. Don't understand why he is so allergic to my voice. No freedom of singing at my own house :(

If I hear any catchy tune on the radio, I want to hum or sing the lyrics and here comes my son like a rap song, he gives his own background music with relentless "STOP" word until I stop.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Gift Of Giving Season!

Joyous season all over. Just returned from my kids school. They had a Christmas party. Everyday exchanged gifts by playing this game, children have to pass gifts left and right with increasing speed based on listening to a story. Had all children sit in a circle and each one had a book to begin the game with. As the story is read aloud, the kids must pass their gifts to the left each time they hear the word "left," and to the right each time they hear the word "right." When the story is complete, each kid can open the present he/she has in front of them.

Everybody wishing everybody "Merry Christmas & Happy New Year" at the end.  Took lot of group pictures. Had such a merry time. Smiles and hugs everywhere.

If I had a whopping money, I would've given to all the teachers including the cafteria person to office related clerks to Traffic controllers. Giving is such a joy especially who don't expect from anyone. Their happiness, surprise look on their face gives you such a joy which cannot be equivalent to anything. It is just awesome moment to cherish.

All this festive mood making me, miss J. If we were kind of linked to eachother, he would've tweeted something like an arbitrary wish. Thats when you feel the magic, the belonging. But the reality is NONE! Whenever my heart soars with happiness, whenever I see togetherness, I miss him. Its like the whole world is existing and having merry time along with me but he is not there, not participating :-( And that dampens my mood. I'm so stupid!

Anyway remember, it's hard to believe but mark my words  joy comes from giving rather than accepting/taking gifts from others.

This hindi song is coming to my mind....

Uthe sab ke kadam dekho rum pum pum
Aji aise geet gaya karo
(Sing a song for everyone to dance)

Kabhi khushi kabhi gham
(Joys and sorrows are part of life)

Ta ra rum pum pum
Hanso aur hansayaa karo
(so smile and make others smile)

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

The Secret Behind "Why Teens And Young Adults Can Easily Hack The Internet?"

The other day when wiki leaks surfaced and Julian Assange got arrested and reports surfaced that some anonymous group trying to start a cyber war by attacking credit card companies and a guest on CNN said this group might be a bunch of teens............that's it that made me think...how can teens with limited knowledge be so powerful.

Don't you ever wonder, they are still  in learning stages and exploring stuff, how can they be the founders of Facebook, Napster, Sarah Palin's Email hacker.....how is it possible?

For this my husband said  "at that age, you have no fear, no boundaries, relentless try until you get what you want...its like you tell a kid to jump from the top of the house...he will jump without thinking about future or pain or anything...nothing comes to his mind...all he want to do is jump and impress his/her friends." And that is so true. Adults give up for many number of reasons but teens won't as they have time to find resource to get things done.

The lesson I learnt is sometimes ignorance is a bliss, the more knowledge you access, the more it'll pull you back, you try to conscious, safe and secure. The other day I was reading a book about "Science Behind Bicycles?" A person who don't know how to ride a cycle, after reading that book will feel dijected and will give up of learning as it talks about balance, how much you need to tilt to get the balance, how much degree your body should turn before you turn the handle to take a turn. But on normal basis of riding a cycle, you don't put that much theory behind it or else nothing in life would've been enjoyable.

So, thats where my theory evolved - Why Teens And Young Adults Can Easily Hack The Internet?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Person Of The Year, Mark Zuckerberg

A fine article on Mark Zuckerberg at Time magazine.


My thoughts and snippets from the article:

  • Wish I could work for Facebook and learn all the tricks and feel smart for the things I accomplish.
  • Wish to be as smart as Zuckerberg or at least belong in that nerdy group.
  • Too ashamed after comparing myself with genius like Zuckerberg who is using his intelligence and changing the world, who is making use of time in a precious way.
  • Wish I was born in that kind of family. If not my intelligence at least because of family connections I would've been with smart people around learning all the current technology and been on the mark of how to think and makes things work.
  • I was thinking to be a girlfriend of Zuckerberg, you need to be at least as smart as him like that Chinese girl. Of course smart always meets smart.
  • Unbelievable that he had same girlfriend from like eight years. Applause!! Way to go!!
  • Even if he gets married too there won't be a nagging wife to say "You all the time keep yourself busy. No interest on me,,,blah, blah" because she has her own life, dreams and aspirations and vision for future.
  • One interesting topic which made me giggle when he poses a question: Why wouldn't you want to share? Why wouldn't you want to be open — unless you've got something to hide? "Having two identities for yourself is an example of a lack of integrity,"----Yeah, that's true of no integrity, But people always don't lead transparent life because there are so many things involved like confidence, lack of judgment, social restrictions, criticism and you truly open about yourself. It is just not possible to let the whole world know about your mundane thoughts and sometimes vicious thinking because whatever chemical imbalance going on with your brain.
  • One more Mark Zuckerberg's statement: "If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place."---- We shouldn't do but we do that's why we are humans. We are not perfect. We have flaws in us. 
  • Ooo..even he believes in serendipity ------ "We have this concept of serendipity — humans do," Zuckerberg says. (The clarification is vintage Zuckerberg.) "A lucky coincidence. It's like you go to a restaurant and you bump into a friend that you haven't seen for a while. That's awesome. That's serendipitous. And a lot of the reason why that seems so magical is because it doesn't happen often. But I think the reality is that those circumstances aren't actually rare. It's just that we probably miss like 99% of it. How much of the time do you think you're actually at the same restaurant as that person but you're at opposite sides so you don't see them, or you missed each other by 10 minutes, or they're in the next restaurant over? When you have this kind of context of what's going on, it's just going to make people's lives richer, because instead of missing 99% of them, maybe now you'll start seeing a lot more of them."-----------don't you understand that's the problem, everyone things about serendipity and gets into false notion of something about someone and makes a wrong decision and there goes another relationship.......Relationships on Facebook have a seductive, addictive quality that can erode and even replace real-world relationships. Friendships multiply with gratifying speed, and the emotional stakes stay soothingly low; where there isn't much privacy, there can't be much intimacy either. It's like an emotional Ponzi scheme, where you keep putting energy in and getting it back tenfold, even though the dividends start to feel a little fake. 
  • Reaction about Newsfeed on Facebook: Social norms change. People hated Facebook's News Feed when it was introduced in 2006. They thought it was creepy and intrusive. Zuckerberg stood his ground, and now Facebook is unimaginable without it. He moved the chains, and we went with him, setting up our defense that much farther toward the end zone. "When caller ID came out, people went psycho. You know, because, Oh my God, now people are going to know I'm calling them! This is terrible! I'm going to end up being tracked, and Big Brother and Orwell and all that! The reality is now you won't pick up a call unless you know who's calling you." 
  • Article ends with: But for all its flaws, there was no other way for Facebook to begin. Only someone like Zuckerberg, someone as brilliant and blinkered and self-confident and single-minded and social as he is, could have built it. "The craziest thing to me in all this," he says, "is that I remember having these conversations with my friends when I was in college. We would just sort of take it as an assumption that the world would get to the state where it is now. But, we figured, we're just college kids. Why were we the people who were most qualified to do that? I mean, that's crazy!"  
  • All smart people have some kind of vision but to make it into reality is something extraordinary so hats off to Mark Zuckerberg, Person Of The Year for whatever the reason and whatever the flaws in Facebook, it is changing our world for better or for worse but it is affecting our lives.
  • As for as me I am astonished and constantly amazed with the way facebook is keep on metamorphosing, pushing us to new levels and testing human nature.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why Gloominess.....

From the time I'm conscious and 100% awake, this is the song ringing in my ears:

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open -
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

Over and over ringing in my ears. What does my brain want to say? I guess it is implying that I wrote so many unanswered letters, I set up every alert to get information about you, I do everything for you to be in touch with you but you won't do the same.

I don't even know what's causing the gloominess.. I have to send invitations to friends for New Years Eve Party. I need to plan for the party. I need to clean up the house, choose party dress, make the whole family ready for the party, make a cd on dance beats...so much to do, but don't want to do anything. All I want to do is painting that too gloomy faces, faces which are longing for someone. That's what is attracting to my eyes. I want to share his portrait with him which I drew by looking at his Myspace profile. Yeah, that thought gives me some kind of enthusiasm or else I don't feel any energy or charm in doing anything else otherwise.

Thinking to keep myself busy on weekdays by learning piano, exercising and painting. Keep everything scheduled until kids come home then I don't have to snoop on the internet and waste my precious time. But I won't do it. I don't understand why I'm scared to let him go. Poor soul don't understand that we were never meant for each other and he has gone..longtime ago. Does letting him go off  proves that chasing him was waste of time or that true love doesn't exist or that we were not connected but just I was mentally unstable ..is that's what the fear is - coming to understand and its time to face the truth.... The more you look in the rear view mirror, the more the chances of you, crashing your future, the life which is ahead of you. But what my half of my brain won't understand is I really long for him for whatever stupid reason it is. Why I'm empathetic towards his failures like as if its mine...why do I get offended as if someone is insulting me, if one part of my brain tries to see faults on him like about his English grammar or spelling blunders like "coarse" for "course" or his long chin. Why don't I see all these flaws and run away like a person on one particular blog  which I came across on the internet - criticized and was happy to not have that kind of "boyfriends"as her partner. Why can't I be selfish and just let him go like its not a big deal. Why I don't want to ignore him thinking he is nothing but an ordinary young man learning to survive and leading a single man's life of dating, hooking up with some ordinary girl, crashing at parties and drinking irresponsibly.  A big NO! I don't want to talk or interact with him. I'm so satisfied and happy to be far and still near by following him on forums.  I found this cool website "changedetection.com", which checks for you the website for any change and lets you know what kind of change of happened and when.  I don't want in any form to disturb him. I want to be dead for him. One of the reason I want to be away from him is I'm not good in my thoughts...all this flaws my mind tries to deliver puts me in confusion when my other part of brain overrides and stresses that it has nothing to do with being in love no matter what kind of person he is. Anyway I can assure that a critic exists in me but there is a person in me exists who overrides all the flaws and is loyal and has affection for him, no matter however he is and wherever he is. No boundaries for my compassion. I'll be a ghost on the web til a longing soul exists in me.

I want to pursue learning piano which I stopped after few months..thought it was hard to memorize and get the fluency while playing a piece. I would love to compose music and write songs. But I don't know which key makes which sound or else I would've written so many. Everything takes time. Wish whatever is in my brain comes out in words and make everyday blog post. Wish every tune in my brain forms itself musical notes to play on the piano.

Started reading "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck . Very good book and that's what motivated to pursue piano and not give up, be a learner in the world and not to be a non-learner. Have a growth mindset and strive for learning new things. Don't think about failure or success but just think as a journey to new adventures, to the new land of unknown bright world of learning. Writing down and encouraging my kids to show keen interest on learning life's important skills for brighter future and enter the world of learners.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wisdom Words About Frienship

The truth never fails to show itself in those "thousand little gestures." True friends bear each other's burdens and accept each other's weaknesses, because without reciprocity, there's nothing. Friendship is about collaboration, not domination. Because we should be stewards of each other's rooms, I am happy to help you keep yours clean, but life is too fleeting to let you continue trashing mine.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Virtual Interaction

Yes J, I saw your profile. Happy to see you flourishing and taking pride in your work. I know, you posted in detail all your work history for my sake with an undated profile picture. Thank you for honoring me with your effort. Well, best of luck in your future endeavors. You'll always have my support and wishes. Hope you are studying well to get your degree in 2012 as per expected.

Well, if you tried to see for my profile, you won't find it as I don't have any to-be-told career but my profile goes like these:

Current: Devoltionally Attached To One, Engineer
Education: Masters in Computers
Industry: Family

Summary:

Dedicated to family life, believes in unconditional love, very ignorant of the world, safely, secludedly, over protectively  brought up by parents, sensitive, friendly, helpful, good natured, creative parenting skills, highly involved parent, hard worker, curious to learn new things, motivator, believes in freedom and space.

Experience:

Devotionally Attached To One
Jun '08 - Present
  • Believed in someone's attention and numerous strong powerful pathetic pleading-for-friendship gaze and got dragged self to unconditional love
  • Learned about popular social media websites
  • Wrote countless messages describing her attachment, feelings like an open book somewhat pathetically
  • Learned about google, yahoo alerts and uses her computer knowledge to be on top of every topic about his life.
  • Truly follows that persons every internet move
  • Proved herself that she is loyal and can unconditionally love someone without expecting anything in return.
  • Takes her job seriously
  • Struggling to understand that how someone can love this position for so long and asks herself this question: have we known each other from past births or else why this unexplainable attachement? Why you want to let me know every tiny detail of your life unless you strongly believe in my past birth theory?
  • Hoping to continue this position as long as she lives anf be intouch with this person from far without any kind of interaction.
  • Truly beleives that we-were-meant-to-be-good-with-eachother theory and totally believes in some pure unexplainable bond even though in reality it is nothing - two people met and got seperated, that's all - nothing much to it.

Engineer
Nov '98 - current
  • Learned hard way to survive and go through criticism in her first year of married life.
  • Learned that in arranged marriages love will not be in the picture until you gain the trust of the person and for sometime you have to go through a life of a third and uninvited person in your own home i.e.,  so called husband's place.
  • Learned that even though married willfully, still have to go through criticism on everything related to your pre-marriage days from the-way-you-speak to way-of-living-life to parents-brought-up.
  • Learned to cook, shop, maintain family life
  • Learned to travel and tried different cuisines because of husband being a computer consultant.
  • Learned how not to be overly attached to anyone and be reclusive to emotions, love,desires, hopes and aspirations as world doesn't love you the way you are.
  • Learned that without money, no one loves or respects you and there is no unconditional ever lasting love which you ignorantly believe that you get in from your life partner.
  • Raised beautiful smart kids and has been fully 100% involved in their welfare.
  • Taught kids how to read before they turned three.
  • Takes priviledge in kids love for reading.
  • Read countless books, videoed and made a movie of every important moment of their life.
  • Inspired kids to learn swimming, skating and most important of all to be a music lover, made them learn piano from age three.
  • Occupied devotedly to kids early life and home schooled them until they turned to outside school life.
  • Learned that once woman gets married, its difficult to think of having career and having her own life unless she is ready to sacrifice time for family and the attention which kids crave at this young age.
  • Learned to scream at top of my lungs to get any things done otherwise no one listens at home, especially kids.
  • Learned that school expects you to participate in every trivial things related to your child from everyday homework to school activities to science projects to field trips.
  • Learned that there is a limited job opportunity if you are looking for part-time..either ithas to be a sales person or lifting loads at some warehouse or a bus or postal driver.
  • Learning how to be a good parent and trying very hard about not to influence kids with sometimes no-patience behavior and not to scream or yell if things go out of control.
  • Ofcourse praying God to make me a good wife and show empathy towards my husband and encourage his new family-oriented endeavors.
  • Learning how to be social and make new friends and still in search of finding a friend with whom I can really connect with.
  • Learned and accepted that to have a happy marriage life, you don't have to have head-over-the-heels love but true understanding of your partner and make few adjustments to  have a successul longlasting marriage life.
  • Learned that arranged marriages may start rough but will gain love momentum as the years pass on and you'll get in-tuned with the other person and adjust your life. You'll understand that there is nothing better on other side of the world, it just looks like grass is greener but it is just a mirage.
  • Learned that you need just one person in this world who can be your true friend and truly loves every minute of his/her life with you and the rest about having lot-of-friends is just to time pass.
  • Learned that the smaller the circle the better your marriage life will be or else too many distractions, too many options to wander off, too much divertion, too many unsolicited advises and great risk of diverting off from your life partner.
Education

Masters in Computers
  • Studied relentlessly as if there was no other world existed.
  • Top in class.
  • Hardworker
  • Took pride in whatever I was doing from research to project completion, ontime and helpful to others

Friday, December 3, 2010

I Made Him To Love Himself And He Made Me To Hate Myself!

Something special for you J, but please don't freak out. I am using my raw talent and this is what I did with your Myspace profile picture.

Ta-da!!


This picture clearly says you lost a lot of weight. Hope my anonymous way of  communication over the internet for couple of months in '08 has not caused you to lose weight. Really, unbelievable loss of weight. Hope you are keeping up well now. This is my gift to you. Maybe little bit freaky to draw you but I' m working on my homework as a part of my Art class which I'm undertaking from past two months. Want a good one, all you've to do is pose ;)

Feel like keeping this as my facebook profile picture and freak you out but I CAN'T...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Women!! Women!! Women!!

Do you ever wonder why women are everywhere? Recently I have noticed and gave a thought by looking around me....WOMEN ARE EVERYWHERE. I see there existence not mere but profound existence in commenting on blogs to MTV college concerts to public concerts to idiotic party photos to radio listeners to website subscribers to work area to shopping malls to grocery stores to Facebook or social media users to crime reporting journalism to war reporters to sports arena. You name it, women are there and even sometimes on motorbikes too.

But as per my knowledge goes women  population is less than men so why is our presence seen everywhere. Where do guys exist not that I'm looking for one? I saw there existence in computer related or fishing forums but otherwise we overtake the world with constant presence and consistent never ending say on every topic in this world.

Can you hear us? Oh hell, We heeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaar ya!! That's not me. That's what guys are saying ;)

I Always Expect Reunion

Now a days, whenever I see a couple breaking up, it breaks my heart and I keep on expecting them to meet again. It gives me some kind of satisfaction and gives me a hope that the seperation is not the end of them but they'll meet again and again until they are surrounded by love and affection and if true love exists between them.

The other day, when I was watching the movie "Leap Year",  the characters of the movie go through the same scenario...I was like "that's it, the Ireland guy will never meet her again? Is it the end of their journey? What was the worth of meeting and knowing him?" But...because it was a movie, they do meet. She leaves her boyfriend, job, country and travels 3000 miles to Ireland to marry him.

J, do you think we'll meet or interact again? Its all in your hands but you want to let me go. Even though you care but you just want to move on. I guess my affection was not enough to pull you back. Who knows what you might be thinking...I'm tired of following on the internet but I keep on doing it, I don't know for how long. I'm so irritated with myself that why I can't let you go off...why can't I think that this world is big enough and very easy to forget someone....why can't I use my energy and attention to do something better...why can't I think that if one door closes and the other is awaiting to be opened....why can't I think there are endless possibilities and if someone doesn't care and can't interact, that's not the end.

I need self control, discipline and motivation. You kept all kinds of web trackers to stop me from browsing for you. To say the truth, it really helps and forces me to not to go to your Facebook or  Myspace, or Twitter or your friends profiles as I don't want to give any indication to you that I exist. Only one thing, I 'm doing now a days is typing only half of your name on Facebook's iPhone app and it shows your profile picture and I do that everyday even though you don't change your profile everyday. I feel embarrassed to do it but I keep on doing it. I know I am hopeless, worthless, stupidest person on the Earth. But if I'm curious and want to find something, I just can't stop it. I'll get frustrated until I do it. By typing half of your name, I'm not harming you or anybody but if you can watch what I'm doing on Facebook then I can't help it other than feel embarrassed for you to know how hopeless I am and how stupid one person can be. Anyway, ball is in your court so enjoy the fun of embarrassing me but remember and I can definitely say that I showed you what is unconditional love and you'll all throughout your life miss my affection and attention. I wish you best and feel miserable when I think of my mental condition. Wish someone cures and lets me know, why I'm still struggling to forget you. You were correct about me being immature. So true!!