Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Is Obsession Caused By Chemical Imbalance?

I don't know how to get an answer for this without directly discussing with a doctor.

I longed for almost two years for a guy whom I met at my kids swim school. He showed a lot of interest in me and made me alive. Two years ago, life took us separate ways but at that time, when we got separated,  I was so crazy for him. I just did not know how to come out it. Anyway, I found him online and started stalking him. Finding every tiny detail about him. I used to think about him 24 * 7 for almost two years.

We had a lot of  misunderstandings and almost it was like a hell to interact with him. Because both of us know our boundaries but fought through until we made ourselves tired.

In lot of my previous posts, I expressed what I went through. One thing, I was sure that I for sure knew that the person whom I am becoming is not me. It is out of my character. Now, if I reflect back for the things I did, for the way I stalked him online makes me feel queasy. All I can say is my mind did not work properly. I wrote so many emotional emails to him about the way I was attached to him.

I might have really looked like a crazy person to him. The "Uncharacteristic Two Years Of My Life" will always be part of my life. It doesn't matter whether I like it or not.

I want to know from a psychiatrist that why it happened. What was lacking in my life that I chased a person so much. I guess, all might not look that bad if he too expresses the same longing but he never expressed but had a lot of fun in teasing me and tons of fun in sharing with his friends. Maybe, in right frame of mind, I would have done the same. Mine was unbelievably unrealistic.

I still have not recovered totally. I still snoop for him online. But I am much much better than I was in 2008. I used to say sorry and used to plead whenever he was upset and used to beg him to accept my friendship. My whole life used to revolve around him. My anxiety level used to be so high and used to be depressed all the time. I almost lived like a dead body but used to feel alive whenever he used to communicate that too anonymous way.

Now, how can I know, why those things happened...was it post-pregnancy depression...or was it because of chemical imbalance as I was in between during that time, anemic too. When I talked about this person to my general doctor, all she said was to make friendship with someone local and to have good supportive friendship circle but even though I tried, no one made me happy other than him. I almost used to be ecstatic whenever we interacted. He had such a hold on me.

I'll never know the answers, never ever. Unless, someone with psychiatry background serendipitous-ly falls on this blog and would be willing to answer. Til then I'll live this mysterious lunatic life with full of unanswered questions or unless he comes and says I too felt the same way about you. But that's not going to happen because I know my brain and its thinking has gotten rotten.

At the end of this journey, my conclusion is love is just a temporary one and based on that people getting married is a terrible mistake. I am not saying that love marriages are unreliable but when you get married to someone, it is not based on only "love" but respect to that person, to your life and to your partner's life and the dreams you have for yourself. Because love is just a state of mind for certain period.

Does True Love exist? Maybe it exists. I still think about him but I know my limitations. I can't say for sure that love exists as I really can't hate him nor love him. So I am kind of in between. If he comes back and ever expresses any kind of good feelings, may be it exists because I think I may rebound or time may create detachment but til then I'll block it off from my mind and this question too will remain in unanswered list.

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