Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Finally, Everything Have To End

Dear J,

Yeah, I know you found a new girl in your life. I am happy for you. Lately, reading a lot of couples getting together and having good time. You too deserve a good girl. This is the first time, I felt happy when I came across your picture with your new GF. Finally, something real instead of you faking for my sake. But after 30 minutes, I am kind of sobbing. But I know to my heart that we were nothing for eachother ever. You were part of life which God has planned so that I can go through the journey of love, attachment and broken heart. If you did not come in my life, I would have never known what people go through when they are in love and how difficult it is to have and maintain relationship, how a little bit of miscommunication can lead to break ups. Mainly, what I experienced is how difficult to come out of break ups. I skipped all these in my life until you came in. Always thought love is the best thing can happen to anyone but OMG, the break up part, the aggravating pain, the agony, the anxiety...even though seen in movies but never felt it so hard. No wonder, they say, put yourself in others shoe. Until you experience on your own, no one has right to judge others. Because of you coming into my life, internet became part of my life...Youtube, Facebook, Google search, Twitter, Google alerts....and the list goes on and on. I never knew that you attacked me like Tsumani and wiped and changed my entire life. Because of you, perspective over many things has changed for me forever. Because of you, I guess, I can never ever be truly happy. You showed all the faults, the weakness in me and my life and still........I can't run away from you. The farther I go from you, the happier I'll be but I strapped myself with Facebook, Google alerts and what not.

Your messages on forum conveyed that you were in happy state of mind and I instantly knew that something is making you to be ecstatic. She seems to be a nice girl and rightly matches to your physique. I am glad, If you have found your true love and your life partner.

I wish I don't follow you on the internet and just leave you alone with your life but I keep on constantly follow your every move. I tell myself to give me a break. But, I don't listen to myself. Yes, I am glad that we don't communicate ever. That's Gods blessing. Pray to God that I don't follow you anymore and ask him to show me a way to make myself happy.

The good old days were good. Once you lose someone, you lose them permanently but now a days, it is not possible due to internet and especially if you don't have discipline.

Taylor Swift's Mine song lyrics ringing in my ears..braced myself for Goodbye, 'cause that's all I ever known.

Do you ever miss me? It is hard to forget me I guess, after all the things I did with my unstoppable emotional attachment towards you. I guess, you are glad that I am not in your life anymore. Yeah, I am glad that I am not in your life anymore but you are still with mine. Not a day goes by without thanking God for not communicating with you and that I'm not part of your life. I only wish one thing is just to erase past two years of my life and make me be what I was before you came in my life. I want God to erase all your memories, just swipe them completely and I should be like "J who?". How can it be possible if I strap myself with your links?

Wish I could peek in my future, beyond ten years and see whether I forgot you completely. I did a lot of research on internet about how people find new people and forget about all their old grievances, breakups and move along with life. It is possible...time heals the pain. I remember the days when I went through depression because of you and you even made me take depression pill. I remember how the pill made me relax, how it numbed my nerves and my thinking process and how it stopped from me being myself.  I remember those days when I used to be so anxious and my heart used to beat faster. Now, I am better than those days when I used to think that I couldn't live without you. Yes, time heals everything.

My brain constantly amazes me..how it always plays right song at right time. This is what is ringing in my ears....

Lifehouse's Broken:

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain is there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain is there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you will throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will, I'll be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

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