Monday, November 22, 2010

Deja vu

Yes, that's what my semi-unconscious brain in my sleep did for me on Friday night. My semi-unconscious mind gave me answers to my problems. When I woke up, I was in cheerful mood like as if we have reconnected once again and overcame the odds to interact once again with each other. Whenever I am in that happy state of mind, I really feel like the street, the fall leaves, the world around me has, once again, started speaking with me.  My totally conscious brain was skeptic and did not allow me to believe the answers given by my semi-unconscious brain. But it made me believe that he will find me wherever I am and will interact mysteriously.

These is how it goes...my brain said to me that he has intercepted my search for him through Google search  to find his recent posts on a forum. And my brain has convinced me about his cheerful ecstatic mood which he displayed was to let me know that he caught me reading his posts and happy to interact with me in that way. It even gave me reasons of why it thinks in this way as his recent forum post timings matched with my Facebook login as he has expected that I'll  check his forum post after my Facebook browsing. It even told me his motive in updating his gf's profile as I'll be checking or doing search for her on Google to see her latest Facebook profile picture and that's why he posted his picture along with her as a couple to make me feel jealous and to update me his relationship status and his new girl in his life.

The reason my brain was able to convince me is 'cause in past, that's how we communicated through Google search. Hard to believe, but that's true. Whenever I searched for him on Google, he used to display or conceal his related websites based on our peace/un-peaceful relationship. When I contacted him on  the internet for the first time, I did not reveal myself so he did not know who was searching for him but I indicated to him through Facebook message about me "knowing him" and his once-upon-a-time interest on me. He did lot of mysterious way of communication on the Internet for which I have no answers even though I have Masters degree in computers. Like for an instance, even though he is not my friend on Facebook, he knows when I login. We used to communicate in that way too. Whenever I used to login and there used to be a status update on his profile as if I pinged him by logging on my FB. He used to amaze me with this mysteriousness.  Even now, he updates his profile picture based on my search for his profile picture through his friend's friends list and that friend can be anybody from his friends list. No one can believe but happened time and time again. Last time, I checked on him was Oct 24th and next day, when I saw through fb apps search by just typing half of his name so that he won't get any indication, there it was, he updated with "Nissan Truck", let me know that he bought a new Nissan Titan. Even though, I want to communicate with him, I can't as he never talks with me direct, always mysterious way which makes me sad and rises my anxiousness with unanswered questions.

Wish someone on the internet can solve this mystery and give peace for me. I have convinced myself that we always be in touch with each other through these mysterious ways. We have some kind of understanding, even though we are nothing for each other, something is bonding us and keep us together in virtual world.  I can feel in his messages, if he is in happy mood. He starts speaking a lot, tries to be funny and that's what he used to do when once-upon-a-time when we use to see each other or when he used to catch me on the  internet, snooping on him.  In my unconscious world, I felt like telling him to dream big and was convincing him to work hard and achieve the highest post and earn lot of money(that is his wish) as you have the power and intelligence to get it done if you put your mind to it.

Anyway, I kept myself away from the internet for two days to have total peace. Wish I could be away from the Internet week after week. My only news about him is through internet. If I'm away from it, I can run away from anxiety, restlessness.  Weekend was fabulous,, socializing with neighbors. But when I woke up, I was surrounded by anxiety and restlessness to check emails, alerts, Facebook....what not. Feeling depressed. Something wrong with me for sure. Why can't I get it that he has his own world, his life...why he'll be thinking about me. Internet is killing me.

Right now, I don't believe anything in this world. I don't feel anything. Am I conscious or day dreaming about writing? I'm feeling dizzy. I am not knowing the reality. I don't know, how long I'll sustain...

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