Friday, November 19, 2010

Dear Bloggy

I am stuck. Don't know what to do in the morning. Can't go to work as I've to take care of kids once they come home from school. Searched for some part-time jobs. Almost, all are related to lifting weights or sales related. Not interested in both. I don't know, what to do. Just killing my life. I can't go for work too as interacting with people makes me go through emotional journey if some one is disrespectful or acts like I'm not existing. I am really not fit to be on this Earth.

My mom raised me over-protective way. Now, I am sensitive and unsocial. Every little neglect by people in a group makes me conscious of their dislike over me. The whole world looks unfriendly to me.  Yes, I should live and breath for my own selfish reason. Why do I care about others thoughts?

Wish someone can be my mentor and show me direction of how to lead my life. Constantly living life without anyone's guidance is killing me. Followed someone for past two years, showed relentless attention to unknown as if he is my soul mate. Acted like I was mentally ill. But seriously, I don't repent as I did not have control on my thoughts.

I can't make friends as I feel like no one can really like me. Feel like no one needs me. Everyone somehow makes someone as their friend but for some reason I can't. Other than my sister, up to 3 'o clock, I don't speak with anyone. That is one of the reason, I snoop on that unknown person, when I have nothing to do with this life. Maybe sometimes, I feel if he comes back and says that he wants to be in touch with me and that he needs me and my friendship and maybe that will give my confidence back that I am likable. But that will never happen 'cause he doesn't need me.

I feel like a loser. God, why didn't I plan my life after college...I just wasted my life. Living life as if I'm incapable and dumb. Even though I do volunteer work for school, I want to do more. I want to interact with new people. I want to show that I'm responsible and mature and has many brilliant ideas to share and talk. I'm waiting patiently for some door to open, for some bright light to show the way into new world, into new adventures.

Life is so complex. No one can be happy. Job, family, kids...everybody wants everything. And people who have all those three are also not happy as no time for family, haphazard life, no attention for kids, no vacation, labor work week after week. In that way, I should be happy of not going for work as I can concentrate on kids and their future but what to do about guilty feeling of not doing anything in the morning.
Working women feel guilty and even non-working women feel too.

By not going for work, I feel like I'm not matured. Can't handle different kind of people and their moods due to lack of experience. Planning for a new year eve party with neighbors and my hubby's colleagues. But I lack confidence about whether I can uplift and make the party a memorable and fun event. Have some brilliant ideas but the guests might not be the right candidates to go along with my ideas .

Even though I resist myself the 'L' word but that's what I see in my horizon. JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ.....come and give my confidence back...make my day.

I am so STUPID!! Don't come back. I don't respect anyone. Some part of my brain always speaks negative about everybody. I am stuck in two different opposite way of thinking brains. So no peace, no love for anyone.

The other day when my neighbor, a guy sent me a Facebook msg saying "why so much silence" about no-status-updates from me for a whole week as I was trying to runaway from Facebook, it reminded me about you. If he can miss me so too you can 'cause I'm fun and vibrant but you shut me up j. You took away my peace, my life from me. Made me dis-likable,  a loner. I am starting to dislike everybody, whole world....everything looks superficial, unimportant, no fun. What I'm going to do? Whenever I go to Facebook, I feel like you are within reach to communicate but I can't, we are untouchable and unknown to each other.  That's why I hate Facebook. On top of that, you know my every move on FB. I'm so frustrated for not able to find out the code which you are using to get my information. Just the thought of how it is possible for you to know my log-ins and log-outs, irritates me when no one in google search says it is impossible to snoop on private accounts. I am pretty sure its not my illusion but from outside world it looks impossible.

From the time, you indirectly let me know about your new mini truck, all I see on the roads is Nissan Titan. Before my eyes used to wander for Nissan 350Z and that too for silver color car and now it is for red mini truck. Involuntarily my brain scans the roads. Thanks to google alerts, I am getting your forum posts to my inbox. Sometimes I doubt and get worried whether you know that I'm following you on the forum. That will be awkward and awful. I just want to know true you without any false pretension. I want to forget you but same brain says to be in touch with you forever. Good luck with your turkey roast. When I think of sending you best wishes on turkey and then think of  puzzle look on your face about how I know - puts a smirk on my face like -  how once it happened with you when I sent an email to your email address which you thought I did not know, That incident always puts a smile on my face but at the same time makes me gloomy too.

I started this post with something and ended it with your topic as-usual tsk, tsk...

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