Thursday, October 28, 2010

Weird Relationship

This is the song ringing in my ears whenever I think about my relationshop with him

Song 'Ae Mere Hamsafar' from movie 'Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak'.

--MALE--
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey
Right now there is a season of separation; it will only stay for a moment
Why wouldn't the darkness go away, why wouldn't the storm stop?


--FEMALE--
Right now there is a season of separation; it will only stay for a moment
Why wouldn't the darkness go away, why wouldn't the storm stop?
Why wouldn't we reach the destination of love?
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey
Where love has taken one romantic step
From there a road has opened, from there a wall has crumbled

--MALE--
Where love has taken one romantic step
From there a road has opened, from there a wall has crumbled
No one can stop us from love's journey

--FEMALE--
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey

--MALE--
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey

I know the reality that we are nothing for each other, but I guess you will always be in my heart forever. In between, I doubted myself that it was due to chemical imbalance in my brain but it is not. I genuinely have an affection for you and it won't go away even though months or years pass or even if there is no interaction among us for however long or whatever kind of person you are. I'm stuck. I'll always be wishing you well and will be missing you but I'll never try to communicate with you because we are nothing for each other. We can't even be friends. Now, what can I do if I have an undivided affection for you. I am trying my best to stop and run away from you but Facebook and internet are not making it easy. So I will be in touch with you from far away and will not bother you ever again with my messages.

I've learned a lesson of never to judge others. Things can happen and anybody can do anything even though they keep their morals high. Its all about brain and the nervous system which can scumb you against your morals.

I made fool of myself and forgot about decency and crossed my limitations because of my heart which overtook my thinking power. It is a shame that I did not have control on my actions.

This is your message in March in reply to my message of asking you "aren't you not guilty of not talking directly instead of these arbitrary messages" - which made us to superficially go through break-up: "You need to stop sending me messages and calling me from blocked number. You continue to send outlandish messages as if you know who I am and what I do. You continue to act as if they are directed to you when they are irrelevant to you. You continue to say I am harsh and I make mistakes when you are the one who sends anonymous messages which is both immature and incredibly ridiculous. These is going on for over an year now and I am quite tired of it. So, stop."

I took it so seriously and lived almost like a corpse. I sent countless emails to your blocked email address in order to go through self-therapy and tried to see your Facebook profile picture through yours friends friend list. But you Mr. Genius did not block me and did know every move I was making on Facebook and accordingly you updated your profile picture. You too sent so many anonymous twitter messages to me through your sisters account to say that you are back.

We briefly and indirectly communicated in September. Yes, I put period to everything even though you were loyal because I can't take this anonymous way of interaction. I understood that you will never say in words about my importance in your life. Yes, I thought actions are important than words but if actions are anonymous  you crave for words. I'll wait my whole life for that day, for that moment to hear from you directly about what I mean to you.

Last night, I came to know that you change your profile picture whenever I come in search of you on Facebook. Due to my non-response for 31 days, you updated your profile to a truck photo. Of course, it aches to see that you are upset but I came to conclusion that even though you and me are loyal, we are nothing for each other. Even though, I said any communication is better than nothing but I was wrong. I can't interact anymore unless I see you extending your friendship hand and think whole-heartedly that I am special to you. I want to hear you say that I need you...I always want your advice..want to always be touch with you...never want to lose you. But I know, you will never say. I waited for two years. You don't mind to give me pain or be far away from me in order to protect yourself. Day by day, I'm proving to myself that I am stupid. That is what I am. I am releasing you from my stupidity and letting myself go though the grievance. I have no inclination to speak with you anymore as I know we are not going to reach anywhere. You will never open up for me. And as you said, I don't even know about you. Far away from you is good for me. Of course, I'll do stupidity by snooping on you because I miss you and will always be curious to know what you are up to. I know, it is so indecent and against my character but I have no choice. My heart longs for you even though I know we are nothing for each other. There is some inner meaning behind me shedding tears whenever I hear Neon Trees - Animal song "Here we again".

Very interesting article on What Men Arent Telling Women. Sometimes I do feel that's why he won't ever tell his inner feelings. Then we are destined to die.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I Want It To Happen Badly PERIOD!!!

Right now, my wish is to get any kind of message from him saying that he misses my communication or my friendship or something positive which can make me feel like I am floating high above the clouds with happiness. I just want it even though I am trying my level best and supressing my feelings.

Oh well, if it doesn't happen, I'll just dream about it. I can dream anything I want and nobody can take that away from me. I'll dream the way I want the relationship between us and your rigidity can't take away that.

There are so many people in this world but why do I care for your interaction. Wish we both are alike in our thinking and some reason I strongly believe that's true but what do I know about you. Until this Internet and facebook exists, I can never go far away from you. People keep on meeting new people and forget about old so, why can't I be like that. I truly feel that even though you meet so many your age group, you still remember and miss me but our circumstances won't allow us to be friends. Sometimes I think, when situations are perfect for us to be friends and beyond then maybe would have not like each other these much. Ahh...the brain, with it's intricative way of thinking to screw up and put us in gloomy mood. It doesn't matter what season I am in, I am just hmm..SAD!! Any stupid way of interaction puts a smile on my face and makes my environment bright like as if the world suddenly made itself look vibrant. Why do you have such a hold on me ...argh!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Wish to be zapped...

Oh yeah, I wish that all my memories of him should be zapped, just the way, I deleted every alert related to him. Please God help me.