Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Wish Your Heart Beats Like Mine

I'm feeling emotional, anxiety is rising, hope is fading, bracing for Goodbye...have many things to say but I can't send an email because if I send I'll know if he is upset. And that will break my heart and uncontrollable impulses start. I don't want to go through that again.

You guessed it correct. We are back interacting but asusual hide&seek way. I reminded him of two year seperation date September 18th, for which, he commented from his sister's twitter account saying that how he loves his personal trainer who makes him hate every Saturday morning. I did not check email as I didn't expect respose from him. But then, when I checked my email (automatic twitter messages forworded to your inbox, a yahoo feature), instead of just being an artificial friend, I wanted to give him an advice. So, I forwarded this link: Lower Body Exercises For Men

I forwarded because lot of young adults are more into upper body building but forgetting about being proportionate to the whole body. When I used meet to him in 2008, I saw him being in the pool. So, I thought he was healthy wide shouldered guy but when he came outside from pool, I was shocked to see his legs were so thin and it just did not match his upper body at all. I thought this was the opportunity to let him know but as usual, he might have taken it wrong. And there goes our stupid, meaningless friendship.

I don't know, when I'll reach that plateau where I can say anything to him and he won't get upset. Is it ever possible? I cried a little.... feeling much better now. We have no future. We both know. So if not forward, we always go backward that is to nowhere. Rob Thomas "Mockingbird" is playing in my head. My brain always knows what to play :(

Why it happens all the time? When he cares, I feel like I don't need him to be happy but after few days when he won't react, I'll be gloomy and feel the desire to communicate. When I'm in touch with him, I feel so happy, feel like talking with everyone and the world looks so beautiful - a place to live and when he doesn't, I don't feel like talking with anybody, feel so crappy. Why does my mind play games with me? I was so ready to tell him that things won't workout between us and after sometime we will feel kind of obligation to reply to each other when in fact, our heart is not even into it. But now, I don't feel like that way at all. Why can't I make a decision? What do I want? Somebody help me...

Want to send this..

Knock! knock!

Who's there?


Prescription who?

Prescription to make you love yourself!

But I can't send..I am restricted. If he misses me he would have given me a signal but he didn't so as usual upset on something. My heart will break if he won't respond so I can't take those chances. Let's see... Here goes the waiting game.

What's going on?

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