Friday, September 3, 2010

Send or Not to Send

Hmmm...every time I have to ask, was that you? Did you call last Friday? Well, the call's timings matched with my reply timings. In April, I received some private calls but they were from a financial company. Answered the third call and told them never to call here as a private number. Next time, let me know before you call.  Lot of questions popped in my head like for an instance this one, what can I really speak with you. Well, I really don't know.  About what topics should we speak? Do you think we have anything in common to speak about? To tell you the truth, I I I I....never spoke with....I don't know how to say..

So, I was thinking til we get in a good rapport and have a better understanding of who we are, can we just forget about phone calls. I am not much of a phone person. Well I would like to be in touch but not sure of what to speak. Well, at least you have some idea how I interact but I don't know much about you...maybe I know a little but not much to start any conversation. To be frank,, we never had any friendly conversations other than in the place where we met. Sometimes I think maybe we should forget the whole thing and move on with our lives but some times the same brain says always be in touch with him. I don't know what you want. Maybe you don't want to deal with me as I am not much of a suitable candidate for your way of life. Maybe you want? Well, who knows? Everything is so complicated. Wish I can know your thoughts without speaking with you on the phone to give me some kind of confidence. How is that possible? Silly! The more I interact, the more I am proving that I am immature. Right? Well, I am not but you can think whatever you want.

Please don't tell me that you saw all my emails from March. That is embarrassing. You might have had good fun.

In my brain, I have an ideal scenario of having a good chat and be in touch everyday like the movie "You Got Mail!" but the way we fought til now with all kinds of misunderstanding and your secretive way of communication doesn't support that scenario. IT IS COMPLICATED!! Whatever you did, is it because of me pressurizing you with my messages or you did willfully? Whenever I ask that question my brain answers: if so, why couldn't he send an that indicates he does whatever he wants and in his own comfort zone not because of someone's pressure. So do you think, at this stage of your life, you need any kind of interaction with me? Because you have your circle of friends, family, do I fit in anywhere?

Rest of the post is where I am talking to myself, basically justifying my action:

I know for sure we both don't have anything in common but why do I want to be in touch with him. Do I internally feel that If I am not in touch, my life will be boring. But how is he entertaining? I used to feel his day to day events about girlfriends, boyfriends, parties, dating, drinking, chilaxing with friends, basically single life not suitable for my way of life. So, how can I be his friend? I don't know how to be friends with anybody for that matter.

I  think I'll free him from me. I can't send him anymore messages...I'll let him go. Maybe the whole life, I'll be in touch with him from far but can't talk directly. That's how it is. Wish I could forget the whole thing and live my life, the way it was before he came in.

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