Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Here We Go Again..

I like Neon's "Here We go Again" song. Making me cry so much especially the line "Say Goodbye to my heart tonight".

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied.

Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just a cannibal

And I'm afraid I wont get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight

CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide

I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you

CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush
The world is quiet
Hush, hush
We both can't fight it
It's us that made this mess
Why can't you understand?
Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

I wont sleep tonight

Here we go again
Here we go again
Here we go again

CHORUS
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

When you walk on broken glass pieces, get ready to get hurt. That's the case with me. Knowingly everything that there is no future, I pushed myself so far to reach a person who doesn't belong to me ever. Really, from the get go it was not my fault.God made me to go through this journey. Yeah, that's what I believe. How many people we meet in this world but can we really find them on the internet. The answer is 'no', He purposefully made me know that persons last name or else I could have til now, I would have not been in this stage. Even though initially, when we got separated, I cried a lot like a little girl for her teddy bear but it might have sustained for few months and would have gone. But now, this has progressed for two years with relentless pain, uncertain future and unnecessary drag.

I was cheating myself by saying that all I need is friendship but it is more than that. Why does it pain if I see him with different woman? I don't know. May be because he can be nice with everyone other than me. That's why I decided to put period to all these. I deleted yahoo, google alerts, everything related to him. I want to run away far far away from him. I don't want to contact him anymore. I can take the pain of being far from him then watch him, not contacting me but having good time with other women and tease me through facebook. I don't know whether it is facebook or fakebook. How young people, keep on display their love for boyfriends and girlfriends? I want to run away from all these.

I always wondered, when someone loves someone so deeply that they can never leave them, ever. I used to question lovers motive of how can he/she think of going far away from the person whom they loved. Well, I got the answer. When there is unbearable everyday pain, when there is uncertainty, when there is no future of being together especially the "heartache"...then you want to run away to leave that person in peace and to make yourself come out of this agony.

One more thing, I wondered was about how two people know each others immense love but why on earth, they find it so difficult to explain to each other. When I read Nora Roberts "Heart Of The Sea", I wondered and said to myself "Oh come on! why the writer is dragging, when it is so clear Trevor and Darcy love each other but that time, I did not realize that as a reader I am knowing both of their emotions and affection for each other. Back to my story, that's exactly, I went through. I was always direct with my thoughts but other than saying directly about his feeling, he did everything which he could possibly can. I thought actions speak louder than words, but oh, boy! words too matter a lot. Without words, you will never know whether the actions are just for namesake or for fun/tease. After two years, I am so desperate to hear something good, something which makes jump with joy and make this world a beautiful place. I know, it will never happen. So,  I want to run away. I really wholeheartedly thought that he and I can be friends forever and be in touch but I can't keep on follow the women, he friends with and takes cute picture as a couple. Don't know, to tease or that's the truth. For two years, it was like Genesis song "That's All". Everything looks bright and suddenly from nowhere, we both are upset about each other and then long break up.


Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
I could say day, you'd say night
Tell me it's black when I know that it's white
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
I could leave but I won't go
Though my heart might tell me so
I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes
So why does it always seem to be Me looking at you, you looking at me
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
Turning me on, turning me off
Making me feel like I want too much
Living with you's just putting me through it all of the time
Running around, staying out all night
Taking it all instead of taking one bite
Living with you's just putting me through it all of the time
I could leave but I won't go
It'd be easier I knowI can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes
But why does it always seem to be Me looking at you, you looking at me
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
Truth is I love you
More that I wanted to
There's no point in trying to pretend
There's been no-one who
Makes me feel like you do
Say we'll be together till the end
I could leave but I won't go
It'd be easier I know
I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes
But why does it always seem to be Me looking at you, you looking at me
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
I could say day, you'd say night
Tell me it's black when I know that it's white
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all - that's all

Breaking up with someone is so hard. Especially, to live everyday knowing that you'll never again interact with that person, once you take the break-up decision. I don't know, how Hollywood actors and actresses deal with it, when you all the time, get the ex-partner's post-breakup news even when you want to run away from them. Life is tough. Better not to get attached to anyone. Life will be much easier.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Are Your Emotions Running You?

Take this quiz to find out whether your emotions are running you. My emotional response style is...

Stuck
People with this style understand their feelings but can't get over them. They tend to dwell on past events—say, the end of a relationship or some injustice once suffered at work—and believe that whatever emotion they are suffering will last forever.

The solution lies in addressing the emotion, rather than the experience that caused it. Instead of asking yourself, What did I do to deserve this? ask yourself, What can I do to feel better right now? When I invite my clients to try this exercise, they typically report back, "I did it, it felt great, but now I'm feeling sad (or angry or whatever) again." Well, of course—a bike ride or a meal at a four-star restaurant isn't going to change anyone's life permanently! I explain, "The good news is that you made the troubling emotion go away. And that proves that your worst fear—that you will feel this troubling emotion forever—is not valid." Often, this is the moment they realize that they are in control: By changing what they do, they can change how they feel.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Silence Is Killing Me!

Is this a permanent silence or temporary? Don't even know what I said wrong.

If you made those calls based on the email I sent today that means you care for me a lot - to show that kind of concern or you just called on your own and showed the desperation, either way I'm happy that your heart beats the way mine does but right now, puzzled by your silence. Of course, I have experienced this before and know that you take your own time to come out until you feel safe to comment.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What can I say?

Morning at 9:13 and afternoon two private calls from him, made me to send this email:

Knock! knock!

Who's there?

Prescription

Prescription who?

Prescription to make you love yourself!

What's going on? Have you called me  on my cell in your own mysterious way?

During corporate event, my hubby slipped, fell and broke his hand while bowling. He will be on cast for a week until doc decides to go for surgery or not, based on new X-ray pics.  So, he is resting at home. Poor hubby!

What I don't understand is why do guys have to use heavy balls to knock the pins when I can do it with a lighter one?

Something funny, I thought before knocking all the pins down. I can't say that to you as you may say I'm silly. So, I'm shushing myself.

When can I reach that plateau where I can say anything to you and not get worried about upsetting you even if you delay in replying back? I want to be an useful friend, don't want to be for namesake. I want to say freely whatever I want to without being restricted in anyway. I was wrong about we not having good understanding, but we do. Otherwise, how else we could have been here still communicating even after two years. My desire is to have a very good understanding healthy open friendship with you but till now, it didn't happen that way.

The one you said about 'loving yourself' is so true. Actually, well said. I guess that's what might have been my case in '08 but I did not think in that way.

(Ignore the email if you did not call. My mistake!)

--------back to current thoughts-----------
Are you asking me, how do I feel?

Nervous and scared of what I got myself into but as I said if I don't interact, I feel so miserable but I'm scared to speak on the phone. I never did this kind of stuff. I never had "boy" as my friend. Whenever, he contacts me, my mood changes so rapidly that I will start speaking enthusiastically and would involve in every conversation but at the same time scared to death and think of escaping from this situation. God help me! Make me be a good wife and at the same time, a good friend.

Chore Wars

To avoid the chore wars in your home, try the following:

1) Assign appropriate chores. Each partner should be assigned a task they enjoy doing, or are good at. This can greatly reduce the “resentment factor.”

2) Consider compliments. Nagging never works! Compliment your partner when he/she does something you appreciate. This increases the chances that they’ll do it again.

3) Start small — couples can be overwhelmed by the large amount of chores that need to be done in the home. So break it down. Do a little bit at a time. It all adds up.

4) Enlist the troops … make it a family affair. Get everyone to help out and then reward yourselves with something fun!

5) Don’t keep a scoreboard about who does the most. Try to balance the list and keep things fair.

6) Clean and burn calories. Turn up the music and make it an aerobic activity.

And finally, every so often you have to:

7) Just do it. As you know, sometimes cleaning won’t be fun, but it is a necessary part of life. A clean home has a better chance at being a happy home … so clean away and make your home sparkle and shine!

This article originally appeared on care.com.

Men! What can you say about them?

On Saturday,we had a family get together party organized by hubby's company. We had a good time playing laser tag, cart racing, arcade games and then finally, bowling. Within three rounds, my husband slipped, fell and broke his hand. Now, we are waiting for it to heal by itself under the guidance of an orthopedic.

What I don't show about guys is why do they have to use heavy balls, when can I use a lighter one and Can knock all the pins down. So, why can't guys do the same but oh no..they can't. They have to go the heaviest ball ever to show their talent.

Today, I heard on the radio about how couples fight over household chores. I thought I'm the only one who don't like to clean toilets but to my shock, I heard women don't like to clean toilets that too especially when she have to share the toilet with a guy. That's good. Now, I don't have to feel guilty for not cleaning bathrooms.

Let’s face it: Cleaning up and doing household chores is not usually considered a “good time,” at least not by most of us. The question of who cleans what can start a lot of “behind closed doors” debates.

In fact, housework in general can be a great source of tension, especially for married folks. Yup, it’s true! According to The CLR Chore Wars Report, a national study looking at how opposite sexes clean, men and woman have very different ideas when it comes to sharing household duties. No surprise there! In fact, 69% of women felt they did most of the work around the house, while 53% of the men disagreed, feeling they worked just as hard as the women when it came to cleaning up.

The survey also found that arguing over chores was extremely common; about 1 out of 5 Americans admitted to arguing about housework on a monthly basis.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Wish Your Heart Beats Like Mine

I'm feeling emotional, anxiety is rising, hope is fading, bracing for Goodbye...have many things to say but I can't send an email because if I send I'll know if he is upset. And that will break my heart and uncontrollable impulses start. I don't want to go through that again.

You guessed it correct. We are back interacting but asusual hide&seek way. I reminded him of two year seperation date September 18th, for which, he commented from his sister's twitter account saying that how he loves his personal trainer who makes him hate every Saturday morning. I did not check email as I didn't expect respose from him. But then, when I checked my email (automatic twitter messages forworded to your inbox, a yahoo feature), instead of just being an artificial friend, I wanted to give him an advice. So, I forwarded this link: Lower Body Exercises For Men

I forwarded because lot of young adults are more into upper body building but forgetting about being proportionate to the whole body. When I used meet to him in 2008, I saw him being in the pool. So, I thought he was healthy wide shouldered guy but when he came outside from pool, I was shocked to see his legs were so thin and it just did not match his upper body at all. I thought this was the opportunity to let him know but as usual, he might have taken it wrong. And there goes our stupid, meaningless friendship.

I don't know, when I'll reach that plateau where I can say anything to him and he won't get upset. Is it ever possible? I cried a little.... feeling much better now. We have no future. We both know. So if not forward, we always go backward that is to nowhere. Rob Thomas "Mockingbird" is playing in my head. My brain always knows what to play :(

Why it happens all the time? When he cares, I feel like I don't need him to be happy but after few days when he won't react, I'll be gloomy and feel the desire to communicate. When I'm in touch with him, I feel so happy, feel like talking with everyone and the world looks so beautiful - a place to live and when he doesn't, I don't feel like talking with anybody, feel so crappy. Why does my mind play games with me? I was so ready to tell him that things won't workout between us and after sometime we will feel kind of obligation to reply to each other when in fact, our heart is not even into it. But now, I don't feel like that way at all. Why can't I make a decision? What do I want? Somebody help me...

Want to send this..

Knock! knock!

Who's there?

Prescription

Prescription who?

Prescription to make you love yourself!

But I can't send..I am restricted. If he misses me he would have given me a signal but he didn't so as usual upset on something. My heart will break if he won't respond so I can't take those chances. Let's see... Here goes the waiting game.

What's going on?

Friday, September 17, 2010

Is There A Room For Weird Dreams?

Last night, I had a dream. A mix of things happening in my life or the things that I want to happen.

Before I went to bed, I watched "(500) Days Of Summer". Yes, you guessed it right! It's a love story. And I know exactly how it is to be in love and that's what the movie was about.

I strongly feel that everybody should at least once in their life, should fall in love. The feeling is unbelievable and hard to express it in words. You will be in ecstasy. The whole world looks so beautiful, your confidence soars, your mood will be vibrant, you feel like everybody is friendly and acknowledge your existence, you feel and look beautiful and nobody in the world can you put you down, not anybody's anger or any bad situation...you are just free of hatdredness. And that's exactly in one instance, they show in this movie. I was like 'yeah, i understand you completely.' I bet the writer of the movie might have experienced the feeling of being in love.

But OMG! once something drastic and opposite happens, you are like suddenly fallen to just the opposite world of being-in-love. Slow death. Whatever I said about being-in-love' watch it rewinding back and at the same time things happening opposite to what you have experienced. So, I say if you want to experience being-in-love then be ready to get your heart crushed.

Back to my dream, sleeping with all these thoughts made me to dream about him. I had a dream about him being my kids school owner and no, not the principal. I was talking to him casually and mentioned to him that "Is this a sign from God, for my kids to study in your school?" and I asked him, you being the owner of the school...why do you use few bad words while expressing your frustration and then he said, " I know lot of bad words, do you want to hear it and then he winked at me.' The talk was so casual like two friends openly talking about different issues. It left me with a feeling of affection and familiar interaction. Even though, it was a dream, it gave me some kind of satisfaction and made me understand, what exactly, I expect from him.

But, in reality, it will never happen because of his secret way of communication. The worst thing is I always have to decipher the secret communication and somehow link it to myself. So, even though interaction happens back and forth secretly, to the outer world and to myself, it doesn't look like it is happening.....

And then my dream shifted to the principal and she was telling how she is not able to find the right teacher even though Government gave a signal to hire. Then I asked her about my son? Are you going to move him to higher grade as he is good at math? How is it right, to make him repeat the same grade in math even though, he scored in 90's?

The dream was a mix of my worlds. WEIRD!! I came out of the dream by walking away from him as I was not able to breathe and even felt the suffocation after coming out of the dream.

According to Dream Interpretation:

What do trapped dreams convey?

1. You are confused about something in life. (Check)
2. You are being cornered by your family or friends or colleagues in a certain circumstance in your life.
(Check)
3. You may be in conflict with someone or something in your life and he / she is trying to defeat you.(Check)
4. Have you drifted away in your life from something?(Check)
5. It signifies your reaction and your feelings in a particular situation. It could be concerning your marriage, your children and your boss.
6. You may be a conservative or stubborn person trying to get your own way.
(Check)
7. Some mystics interpret that if you dream of any animal being trapped, it means that you need to be cautious in your future endeavor.
8. If your dream is about you setting a trap for something or someone, then it signifies that you are going to move very cautiously in some of your future endeavor.
9. If you dream of an empty trap, it might denote that there may be some misfortune lurking around the corner for you.
10. A dream about a broken trap signifies that you may face some failure in your business or some sickness in the family. 


What you should do?

Analyze your current situation in life. See the areas where you need to change or reform yourself and your attitude. If you realize that you are trying to hold onto something hard, then try to change your approach towards that particular situation. 

This may make you feel free from the bondage. If you realize that you are in conflict with someone, and then try to resolve that. (Ugh...That's impossible!)

Keep track of all your fears. Try to confront them wisely and meticulously. Be alert of things and people around you so that they are not able to harm you or corner you in any manner.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

A Cute Tooth Box

My daughter's first fallen tooth along with the tooth box which her school gave to keep the tooth safe:


How sweet it is...my son lost at home so he did not get the box. I didn't even know that there is a box like that is available. When my son lost, without telling us, he kept under his pillow to check on whether tooth fairy really exists and will give him something. From that day on, he knows that it is a make-a-believe story made by people.

Quick information about how we lose teeth:

Once he/she does start losing his/her teeth, the pattern will seem like a reverse of how these baby teeth came in. He/She should first lose the bottom two middle teeth, which are called the mandibular central incisors. Next, the top two middle teeth will fall out, followed by his/her canines, first molars, and then second molars. By age eleven to thirteen, the process should be complete and all of his baby teeth will be gone.

The secondary or permanent teeth soon begin erupting as your child loses baby teeth. This process isn't complete until your child gets his third molars or wisdom teeth at age seventeen to twenty two years of age.

I was surprised to notice that the permanent teeth was already there for my daughter before the baby tooth dropped. It was in a budding stage but it was still there but way back. When I noticed for my son, I thought, he is going to get crooked teeth but after a week, once the baby tooth falls off, the permanent tooth starts moving and will become bigger and bigger. That's how, the kids widen their faces and will lose innocent baby faces.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Did something which I did not want to do it...why, Oh why?

I sent him an email and now, feeling remorse, anxiety is raising....feeling terrible. I just want to run away far from him. Don't want to keep any link to him but I keep on doing the same mistake. This is when I think about Google's 30 sec delay before the email finally reaches it's destination. I always think to do, something that makes me happy but will do reverse...
where is self-discipline...wish the email gets blocked.

This is what I sent:

gave this cool tip to parents about how to get kids homework right to their inbox using Yahoo Alerts along with RSS feeds. Non-stop appreciation emails from parents and all I can think of is you. I wouldn't have bothered to check on all those if it wasn't for you.

No wonder they say "Necessity is the mother of invention".

-XXX

Everything Reminds Me of Him

Getting appreciation emails from parents for my quick tip about homework-delivered-in-your-inbox. I was smiling to myself with this sudden recognition and awareness of parents about my talent but suddenly tears roll down from my face. For some reason, it made me think about him. Like this keeps happening to me, from happy interaction with friends to listening to some beautiful soulful music which my kids play on the piano makes me think about him. The other day, I was upset with my facebook friend and even that too reminded me of him and I was like I don't care for anyone. Then MJ's "Leave Me Alone" has rung in my head. But then suddenly, I got a twitter message in my inbox, of course I created an alert whenever some kind of tweet happens on his sisters twitter account. It sounds so bizarre, right? I agree but that's how it is. Anyway, this brief incident changed my leave-me-alone state of mind to hug-me state of mind. That's how my mind fluctuates. And that's when I think of listen-to-me-you-foolish-heart.

But you will amazed if you hear this: the tweets which come to my inbox from his sisters twitter account is not current tweets but old tweets, the tweeted tweets happened when he and I were in some kind of hide-and-seek interaction. Yahoo alerts only when new tweets happen but with this account, I always get even old tweets. I just don't know, whether any mysterious action done by him or yahoo is fooling me because the messages doesn't show up as new on the twitter page.Whatever, that yahoo alert changes my mood and I'll become normal happy person again. Aaaah...I hate it for someone to have that much control on my mind.

Just now, mysterious thing happened. I was seriously blogging away my thoughts and suddenly Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me" started playing. I was like from where is it coming from. For a second, I thought, it came from finetune as I opened it in browser to search for a website where I can upload audio files for my blog as blogger doesn't provide that service. Nothing was playing on that website. So, I muted the computer and still the song was playing. To my surprise, it came from my ITouch. Somehow, automatically music started and that makes me think about an article, once I read on CNN. If  your cell phone lights up automatically without anybody touching or switching on, that means someone has remote access to your cell. Is it possible, someone can reach my ITouch remotely through any hidden software? Who knows....now a days anything is possible.

It is really therapeutic to right down your thoughts and feelings even though it is an outdated concept.

Little bit about therapeutic-journaling:

Write down your thoughts and feelings every day. Don't write about your day as if you're reporting the news. Talk to your journal as if you expect it to answer you. Most of the time, if you hold this attitude -- it will. Answers will emerge from the depths of your consciousness that you never dreamed were there. Long forgotten feelings will emerge (like resentments, rage or grief). Deep wisdom and compassion will suddenly show up. Insights will develop and you may find yourself giving the best advice you've ever gotten. Journaling your dreams is also a very powerful tool for gaining deep self-awareness.


Homework Delivered In Your Inbox

Just now, gave a tip to my fellow parents of how to use RSS Feed. I found a way to get kids homework right in our inbox and in that way, we don't have to check the school's website. This is possible because of  the RSS Feed provided by the website. You can easily create a yahoo alert and when ever kids teacher, updates, you will get an alert in your inbox along with the forwarding link. As far as I know, only yahoo provides email alerts to RSS Feeds.

Blogs Of Note

Thanks to CNN on facebook, I came to know about 1000awesomethings blog. This blog was mentioned with many other blogs under "looking for hope and positivity in life".

But then yesterday, I cam across "WaitInTheVan" and "writtenInc". Both recently got attention because of google's BlogsOfNote. Surprised to see that it took almost five to six years to get recognition from google. Both bloggers are much delighted for their sudden popularity which is quite understandable.


If your blog gets the attention:

1. You have to be serious and provide solid useful stuff.
2. You have to sincerely post everyday.
3. In hopes of keeping your fan base steady, you may get deviated from who you are or even from your   thoughts.
4. They always have to look professional in writing, expressing and providing brilliant pictures along with the blog.
5. You can't just post on the spot but have to do proofreading.
6. Blog will become more of a work than a hobby/fun.
7. Pressure builds up.
8. Always you are in look for new material for your next post.

There is so much stuff online to read, it is easy for anybody to just glance and move away to different blog. If you are writing for yourself and not bothered about the attention and the fanfare then your blog has a meaning, a true meaning, a true you. And that's what I want, just to be free. 

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Offered My Help To A Piano Technician!

Just now, my piano technician came by. He was telling about how people are so spoiled by computers and cell phones, no one is inclined to talk directly over the phone, how everybody wants to deal with emails and don't want to do direct human contact. I told him about the advantages of blogging, twittering to attract business, to get attention from human folks and to have serious followers.

So he said, he might take me seriously and may open a blog about giving tips to how to take care of  pianos. He said I don't know how to use computer or to blog or tweet but I may give the text to you(that is me) and you can blog for me. I said sure...why not?

Then he told about how temperature effects piano. Subjecting it to extreme fluctuations of temperature and humidity levels can do major damage. Keeping a piano away from an outside wall was probably necessary in poorly insulated homes, but should not be a problem these days. Avoid direct sunlight on your piano - it can damage and fade the finish, or even create horrible tuning problems. Use curtains or blinds. Try and keep the temperature and humidity levels as consistent as possible in the room where you have your piano.Seasonal swings in relative humidity are the piano's greatest enemy. Swelling and shrinking of wooden parts affect tuning and keyboard touch, while extreme swings can eventually cause wood to crack and glue joints to fail. Just feather-dust the piano first (dust is abrasive, so wiping it first can cause scratches), then wipe with a soft, damp cotton cloth, wiping in the direction of the grain. Then, wipe up any excess moisture with a similar dry cloth. Do the same thing as above to clean your keys, but use separate cloths for the blacks and the whites. Don't use cleaning agents!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Who Am I Meant To Be?

I did this quiz to find out Who-Am-I-Meant-to-Be. After responding to the statements, these is what I discovered about myself.

Find careers that match your striving style.

YOUR SCORES
Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description, and see what rings most true.

Striving to help: 12
Striving to be recognized: 16
Striving to be creative: 18
Striving to be spontaneous: 15
Striving to be knowledgeable: 19
Striving to be secure: 14
Striving to be in control: 16

STRIVING TO HELP
You scored: 12

You are a nurturer: You are caring and supportive in your personal relationships as well as in your job. Unselfish and altruistic by nature, you often anticipate the needs of those around you before they are aware of them. If there is one thing that brings you satisfaction, it's tending to others.

What to watch out for: When you're doing things for people only to feel valued, you can become resentful. And if you sense that your help is not appreciated, you may end up playing the martyr. So before giving your time to everyone else, make sure to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). And practice waiting until someone asks for help: While you may be able to perceive what a person needs, that doesn't mean she wants you to attend to it.

Looking ahead: It's important for you to be genuinely of service in acknowledged ways. Whether you foster a child, care for an elderly aunt, rescue animals, or support a rock star's career as her personal assistant, look for opportunities where you can help other people or bigger causes. Volunteer work has your name written on it, as do many careers: nursing, teaching, customer service, healing, social work. Don't feel pressured to run the company or lead the project; you may be even more effective as someone's right hand. And you'll likely find working with other people more meaningful than flying solo.

STRIVING TO BE RECOGNIZED
You scored: 16

You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That's you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others.

What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you're driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time.

Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you're happy.

STRIVING TO BE CREATIVE
You scored:
18
You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet's imagination. The point is, you're an original, and you know it. Even if you don't have a singular gift, you're drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter—and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don't care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path.

What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of "outsider" or "orphan" and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity.

Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

STRIVING TO BE SPONTANEOUS
You scored: 15

You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.

What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.

Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.



YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.

What to watch out for: When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.

Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Join-ing a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.


STRIVING TO BE SECURE
You scored: 14

You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and com-mitted in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don't get credit?) You're careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about.

What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you're sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn't conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Exper-iment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn't normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no—this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you'll feel.

Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you're responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.

STRIVING TO BE IN CONTROL
You scored: 16

You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.

What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.

Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.

Why Bother With Breakfast?

Feeling somber today as I did not get kiss from my daughter before catching the school bus. I laid a new rule of waking them up early whenever they won't finish their previous day breakfast. So, according to the plan, I woke them up at 6:15A.M., made them ready, gave them milk, boiled an egg for breakfast and packed grilled chicken sandwich.

In between, gave kids few instructions like getting matching head bands, socks but both... just gave me a deaf ear.

My wish got fulfilled and I'm happy that they had their breakfast but had to rush to catch the school bus which is like seven minutes away from home. On the way, I noticed that she did not comb her hair or did not get a band to tie her hair. I had to scold her so much. That was the reason, I guess, she did not feel like kissing me or she was in a rush to catch the school bus which already was waiting and all the kids already boarded the bus.  Once the same scenario happened but she gave a quick kiss and left. So, today I feel for it. Wish I had slight control on my temper, til now, I would have got my little girls kiss.

Anyway, I told them my new rule. Won't finish breakfast, you will be waking up fifteen minutes early and the day you finish the breakfast, the next day, you get an extra fifteen minutes of sleep. I'm trying to teach them the importance of eating breakfast.

According to KidsHealth:

Why Bother With Breakfast?

Breakfast is a great way to give the body the refueling it needs. Kids who eat breakfast tend to eat healthier overall and are more likely to participate in physical activities — two great ways to help maintain a healthy weight.

Skipping breakfast can make kids feel tired, restless, or irritable. In the morning, their bodies need to refuel for the day ahead after going without food for 8 to 12 hours during sleep. Their mood and energy can drop by midmorning if they don't eat at least a small morning meal.

Breakfast also can help keep kids' weight in check. Breakfast kick-starts the body's metabolism, the process by which the body converts the fuel in food to energy. And when the metabolism gets moving, the body starts burning calories.

Also, people who don't eat breakfast often consume more calories throughout the day and are more likely to be overweight. That's because someone who skips breakfast is likely to get famished before lunchtime and snack on high-calorie foods or overeat at lunch.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Workouts with Deni Preston

Today, I had a good aerobics, strength training and abs workout. Thanks to Deni Preston for her relentless exuberance.

I follow her workout everyday on channel 567 on ATT UVerse, It is good to wake up early and do exercises rather than mid day. I have noticed body moves flexibly in the early morning. But mid day, I sometimes feel like I can't even raise my legs higher, it feels heavy.

Deni Preston is really good. Her friendly conversation, her shout outs lifts your spirits and pushes you to catch up with her. Her class members are my distant friends. You have to watch for her son, Nate. You can sense it, he loves his mother a lot. Even though, he is heavily built and does lot of strength training, for his moms sake, he even does yoga, when in fact, you can see how much he struggles with flexibility. Kudos to him to see that kind of bond between mom and a son!

Aerobics: What can I say? It lifts you up, makes you tired, raises your heart beat and even checks on your memory. Constantly changing  long routines makes you to give a thought of what move comes next and that too your brain needs to give quick suggestion or else, you miss few steps and it will be difficult to catch up with your co-partners. So be on ALERT! Ready to exert yourself!

Listen to me, You Foolish Heart.!

My heart is crying....but my mind says leave it, don't prolong it anymore. Whom should I listen to? Whenever someone interacts and comments on my Facebook status and make a friendly conversation, it makes me miss him.

If September 18th comes, it will be two years since we had a good friendly face to face conversation. It is too long time to miss anybody.

Conversation between my mind and heart:

My mind : He is not right for you, his lifestyle is different, his way of talking doesn't match with you. If he is serious, why can't he send an email, why these communication from his sisters twitter or from his account giving some arbitrary message.

My Heart: It doesn't matter if he called you as a private matter but he did. He was loyal after these many months. Can you think of any guy to be so sincere?

My Mind: What if it's not him who called as private? You should never ever call him. You already embarrassed yourself. What if he thinks, you can come and meet him or talk to him during the nights, what if he calls you odd times or when he is bored...you can't be available, you have a family, kids, responsibilities. You can't run away. You are not right fit for him in anyway or form. He should be somebody who is free with responsibilities and can go out or text anytime he wants. WHICH IS NOT YOU! GOT IT! Leave it! Just because you were in touch with him for two years and you want to prolong it further with conflicting thoughts, is not the right decision. It is never going to become right. Make a decision and move on. You are wasting his time and yours. If you really care for him, leave him alone. If he ever has anything to say, he will express it either hate or his affection, if not anything, he is tired, doesn't care anymore. If you are his well wisher, be far from him, think about him in your prayers for his well fare. Let him live happily the way he wants to live. And that is unconditional love. Believe me, you are not right fit for him even as a friend.

My Heart: Sadness...tear jerking...

My Mind: Playing "mockingbird" By Rob Thomas

Here we stand
Somewhere in between this moment and the end
Will we bend?
Or will we open up and take this whole thing in?
Everybody else is smiling and their smiles don’t fade
And you don’t even wonder why you just don’t think that way
Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
Well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we ain’t meant for this love
You and me tried everything
But still that mocking bird wont sing
Well man this life seems hard enough
Well maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Take my hand
And I will lead you through the broken promise land
Yes I can, ah yes I can
I can be there when you need it, I'll give it all till you can't feel it anymore
I don't wanna love you now, if you'll just leave someday
I don't wanna turn around, if you'll just walk away
Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
Well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we ain’t meant for this love
You and me tried everything
But still that mocking bird wont sing
Well man this life seems hard enough
Well maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
Well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we ain’t meant for this love
You and me tried everything
But still that mocking bird wont sing
Well man this life seems hard enough
Well maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Maybe we ain’t meant for this love
Maybe we ain’t meant for this love 

Monday, September 6, 2010

Why Chicago for Reunion?

I had a dream....It was last year, maybe December. I visualized that I was attending a reunion party, wearing a long beautiful overflowing dress in a grand hotel with huge chandliers, bright lights, a party atmosphere ( sounds more like a movie, right?). So that was the reason I thought what can be more perfect than Vegas. 

That time it was crazy to dream and even two months back, it was like I am out of my mind to even think about it that too school friends after 20 years and that too in U.S. 

Coming to U.S., just getting through day to day life, family, kids, new faces, new locality, everything opposite to the past...sometimes I used to feel that was there any past of mine exists..friends, school or college life, any proof of my history and to our misery even Indian streets look so different. So thinking all these made me realize that I am willing to trouble you my friend and ready to travel and go through my past and see all those faces, hear all the school stories and get real feeling of my past existance. So my friend, here I come to CHICAGO on July 31st.   Let the windy city blow wind as much it can and make us still feel that we all exist.

And this led to my reunion in July and that led to my first ever written poem for my friends.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Arranged Marriages

On Friday, along with my family, I went to have a get together with a South Indian family who are from Indian Silicon city Bangalore. As you might have heard every Indian state has a different Indian language. Si even though, they are from Bangalore, there ancestors are from different state called Tamil Nadu where they speak Tamil and in Bangalore they speak another Indian language called 'Kannada'. So the wife still believes that she is Tamilian but husband believes that he is Kannadiga. So because of his more anti-Tamil talk made the wife to hate Kannada language so after marriage, she stopped talking Kannada even though she was brought up and studied in Kannada language. So in their house, a language war is going on like she replies in Tamil when he is speaking with her in Kannada and when it comes to kids, they know with whom which language to speak. The couple are ready to see a third language movies whether it is English or Telugu ( another state language) but not birth or ancestors language. This is so called "Arranged Marriages".

Another marriage story: Yesterday, we went to meet a different family from Pakistan. I don't know what the husband did in the past but the wife is so insecure. She openly tells others about not trusting men and indirectly let's others know that she has no trust on him. She has done Masters in fianance that too in London and very capable of taking care of her son and doing all the necessary things for her home. She speaks good English and knows very well how to organize a get together. Everything was nicely served in a restaurant style. I was very impressed with her etiquette. Why and where does this insecurity comes from? As far as what I noticed, husband won't encourage her to be independent.

Always surprises me how Arranged Marriages with respect to Asian families are successful. It proves that you don't need love to run a successful family but an attitude that this is how it is and you just have to accept and move with lifes up and down situations not a quick breakup but few adjustments here and there to have a beautiful family and togetherness with loved ones without letting go off your bad EGO. No one is perfect but some has that talent of making it look like it's not a big deal.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Send or Not to Send

Hmmm...every time I have to ask, was that you? Did you call last Friday? Well, the call's timings matched with my reply timings. In April, I received some private calls but they were from a financial company. Answered the third call and told them never to call here as a private number. Next time, let me know before you call.  Lot of questions popped in my head like for an instance this one, what can I really speak with you. Well, I really don't know.  About what topics should we speak? Do you think we have anything in common to speak about? To tell you the truth, I I I I....never spoke with....I don't know how to say..

So, I was thinking til we get in a good rapport and have a better understanding of who we are, can we just forget about phone calls. I am not much of a phone person. Well I would like to be in touch but not sure of what to speak. Well, at least you have some idea how I interact but I don't know much about you...maybe I know a little but not much to start any conversation. To be frank,, we never had any friendly conversations other than in the place where we met. Sometimes I think maybe we should forget the whole thing and move on with our lives but some times the same brain says always be in touch with him. I don't know what you want. Maybe you don't want to deal with me as I am not much of a suitable candidate for your way of life. Maybe you want? Well, who knows? Everything is so complicated. Wish I can know your thoughts without speaking with you on the phone to give me some kind of confidence. How is that possible? Silly! The more I interact, the more I am proving that I am immature. Right? Well, I am not but you can think whatever you want.

Please don't tell me that you saw all my emails from March. That is embarrassing. You might have had good fun.

In my brain, I have an ideal scenario of having a good chat and be in touch everyday like the movie "You Got Mail!" but the way we fought til now with all kinds of misunderstanding and your secretive way of communication doesn't support that scenario. IT IS COMPLICATED!! Whatever you did, is it because of me pressurizing you with my messages or you did willfully? Whenever I ask that question my brain answers: if so, why couldn't he send an email...so that indicates he does whatever he wants and in his own comfort zone not because of someone's pressure. So do you think, at this stage of your life, you need any kind of interaction with me? Because you have your circle of friends, family, parties...so do I fit in anywhere?


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My Kids School

Yesterday, I went to parents-teachers meeting. My son is in LEAP. It is for gifted and talented kids. The district allows the school to teach two grades higher than their peers who are of same age. Met my son's teacher. She told about her plans and how she will communicate with parents etc, etc. After the meeting, I asked her about my son, what are her plans for him as he is a math prodigy. She said I need to speak with the principal.

When he was in kindergarten itself, the teachers and the principal noticed and told us that they will move him to higher grade for Math class. So, that is how it continued for two years. But yesterday, when I met the principal, I asked her casually about her plans for my son. She says bluntly that she is not going to facilitate that anymore. Its impossible for her to do every year as once he reaches fifth grade, for school to provide higher grade of math is just not possible.

My question is why they did not think about this before. Even though he maintained 100% score the whole last year in Math, how can they allow him to repeat the whole year by following the same curriculum. The worst thing is she was so blunt. Is it because of familiarity with me that she felt she don't have to use the word "Sorry"? I don't know the reason but I felt her way of speaking as manner-less. How can they not inform us through meeting or by a written note unless I asked about it? What should I explain to my kid? It was my fault of not thinking it through when they agreed to send him to higher grade for Math. Lesson learned but even if I asked what's the guarantee that they will abide to what they say and we can't get a written note with a sign. You just trust!!

Fluctuated mind!

You think that something you want really bad without it you can't survive but when you see a possibility of happening, you will back off. You will think that backing off might be good. But then again if you realize its not going to happen, then you are back to your miserable state.

I am talking about me having a friendship with a person whom I want to have a friendship but then don't want to have. When I noticed that misunderstanding lifted off, a chance of friendship may bloom then I visualized so much about speaking on the phone as I got a private call don't know for sure it was that person but what can I speak, no common interests, widely apart worlds,  no common grounds...just like the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's". . This is not the age to play hide and seek and talk with someone, it will be so shameful but anyway now again chances look bleak so I am back to my miserable days.

Don't know what I want and on top of it everything is so complicated. But that visualization revealed that what can go wrong if friendship develops. I have to act like a teenager but I am a grown up, brain has matured, consciousness is wide awake, knows what is wrong what is right so how can I live a double life....will be disgraceful. Wish we could have an open friendship but I don't know what you are scared off.

This song keep on playing in my head "With or Without you' by U2.

When I see a beautiful friendship among married couples then I realize I should be looking for friendship at home not from an outside person. But what's wrong in having a bond or a friendship with other person, I just want to be in touch forever in good or bad times because unknowingly with twist of fate, I developed an affection over this person.

Anyway days will pass, weeks will pass, years will pass and I will live with or without you.