Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Beyond My Imagination

Something happened in my life has changed me completely. It made me think who I am and what do I want from my life.

It all started in 2008. I think it was my best year after marriage of 9 years. I don't know how it sounds for readers after finding the reason for my ecstasy but I was ecstatic and just unbelievably happy and confident and had something to look forward in life. I literally felt I was floating high in the sky and pretty green grass everywhere. The world looked so beautiful!

I am mother of two talented kids who in 2008 were learning swimming at a local swim school. That time I met a swim instructor who instantly started showing interest and was very nice with me. Its not only him but even the other instructors too. After college, I did not get that kind of attention for a long time. It made me feel good about myself that they all wanted to be nice and consider me as their friend. Wait!! don't jump to conclusions by thinking that as this as some self-indulgent story about a wife who got bored.

I am a shy person by nature who is ignorant of many things as I was not exposed to many people in life. I can talk nicely with people whom I know but I am not good enough to make new ones. Due to my upbringing, even in my college days, my world was small, college, home, studies. That's all it was. I never had any social life. So obviously after marriage too it was same as I am in new place, new environment and living with a new person. You might be thinking how can a life partner be a new person. Yes, I did not know him as mine is an arranged marriage. My marriage has been decided within a day. That's how it works in my culture. The person whom I got married is good but just doesn't have empathy or feelings for a partner. He never gave me the feeling of that I am special and I need attention, the warmth feeling of a life partner, the fun of being newly happily married couple. He had no idea of what a marriage was or what it was to have a life partner. From the time our life has began as partners, he started criticizing my family, my city, anything related to my history. I was so shocked as I did not expect this from marriage. I had high hopes of someone treating me like I am special and he feels that he has been truly blessed for getting married to me. He will treat my birthday as a special day but nothing of that sort happened as he was immersed himself in his life and we started living like roommates. There was no friendship, no easy and fun communication and most important thing no empathy.

Anyway I have taken life as it comes and I raised my kids with best of my abilities. I surrounded my life with my family and their needs and did not even know if anything I was missing but it all changed as I said.

You might think this is another story of infidelity but as you read further you will find, there was no infidelity but a person truly wanted to have a close friend who really likes her for what she is and would consider her a lot and give her high privilege to her thoughts and advices.

When the instructor showed interest on me and was trying to find ways to have a long conversations by occasionally sharing his personal stuff like what are his interests. It made me like wow! some one really gives importance to me, someone can really see me being existing, someone really want to talk and share their life with me. So every week, I used to look forward for the class as it used to make me feel that I am alive. The way he used to look at me with sad face as if he wanted to express that he too misses someone like me in his life. We had a very less talk but our eyes used to talk. Occasionally, he used to give a slight smile. I don't wear make up at all but I started wearing and I started dressing up well, giving special attention to nitty gritty things. I know sounds more like a classic case of flirting, right? I just wanted to look my best. That's all!!
Everything around me looked just unbelievably beautiful. I was confident that I can do anything I want and everybody will agree with me. I am in control of my things. I can try million ways to explain to you about my feelings but there are no words to express. You have to feel it on your own. I really never thought that one person can transform me and give me that feeling of effortless happiness. Nothing used to bother me, if something goes wrong or against my wishes, it never bothered me. I was like whatever. The funny part was when I was in Sam's Club, I was humming a song, at least that's what I thought until I saw a guy who passed next to me gave a sly smile. You can't believe I put on 10 lbs of good weight as I was under weight after two continuous pregnancies. I don't have poker face so I was glowing and my husband used to feel good too seeing me happy and so energetic. My doctor too was happy with my blood results. World could not be better!!

Anyway, all these ended when he decided to take a bank job and that's it my whole life changed. Suddenly, I was down on Earth but the world looked like barren land. I sobbed everyday and my heart cried so much. I continued to do my motherly chores on outside but inside I was so depressed. It was like taking away girl's favorite bear from her. My life was so upside down. Nothing seemed same. I used to get irritated on every minute stuff. I was not myself. Before I did not even know what is exactly happiness but now after tasting it, now I know what a melancholy state of mind is.

Fast forward it to 03/07/2011.....crying my heart out of the way things turned out. Love should never happen one way, either both should fall or none should happen. J, my heart grieves after looking at 2008 video which I took of you when you were teaching kids how to swim. Looking at that video, made me realize how naive I was, how unknown I was about you. There was purity in what I saw, there was hope but now if I think of it, makes me cry to think that you don't mind of losing me or being far away from me. My heart cries when I think about me being nothing for you....dead or alive, it doesn't affect you. Wish I saved all the letters which I wrote when I was desperate to contact you. My brain and my eyes were so fully covered by you. I was under invisible veil, totally over took by you. I don't know what you think about my letters and me. Have you deleted all the letters. Wiped me off completely, thinking that's the end of the crazy person. Well, if I think of 2008, wish you could have not flirted with me if you were not serious. Well, I understand, how could you have known that someone can go deeply, madly crazy for you. It's not your fault. It is God's fault for playing such a crude joke. I don't know when I'll become alright. Wish you could have at least once spoken with me properly. Wish you could have given me assurance that what I saw and felt was true.  Wish there is light under the end of the tunnel. Wish there was a meaning to this plight. Do you think we will ever meet?

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