Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Baby Love My Baby Love

What my heart wants to say.....can't say better than this:

Ooh baby love, my baby love
I need you, oh how I need you
But all you do is treat me bad
Break my heart and leave me sad
Tell me, what did I do wrong
To make you stay away so long

'Cause baby love, my baby love
Been missing ya, miss kissing ya
Instead of breaking up
Let's do some kissing and making up
Don't throw our love away
In my arms why don't you stay
Need ya, need ya
Baby love, ooh, baby love

Baby love, my baby love
Why must we seperate, my love
All of my whole life through
I never loved no one but you
Why you do me like you do
I get this need

Ooh, ooh, need to hold you
Once again, my love
Feel your warm embrace, my love
Don't throw our love away

Please don't do me this way
Not happy like I used to be
Loneliness has got the best of me
My love, my baby love

I need you, oh how I need you
Why you do me like you do
After I've been true to you
So deep in love with you

Baby, baby, ooh 'til it's hurtin' me
'Til it's hurtin' me
Ooh, baby love
Don't throw our love away
Don't throw our love away

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Lost Sense Of Belonging!!

From long time I've been thinking but today I decided to stop my foolishness and take a decisive action of not anyway to get information about him. You chase until you feel the sense of belonging but once that waivers you are FREEEEEE......

Yes, I know J that I said I'll be in-touch with you forever but its becoming difficult to breath. If I follow you, I'll never be happy or be in my life or be in my surroundings. I'm getting separated from everybody, my kids, my husband. I no longer read books to kids or play or involve in them. When I sit at the dining table, I think like I'm in out of place and I've nothing to talk with my husband or kids. I'll be anxious to check emails to see any alert popped in. I constantly think of what's your strategy or motive for commenting like this or that or about your updated Facebook profile picture. Thanks to you, I hate Facebook too. Whenever I log in, I feel like we are in the same room and even though I can't see you, you can see all my moves which you proved that in virtual world, its possible. So, I can't log in. If I've to progress in life and be a responsible mother and wife, I need to stop. I saw your recent picture. I'm happy that you put on weight and back to how you were in 2008. This year I amused you a lot with my antics. You were so involved in amusement that you didn't once put yourself in my shoe and felt the pain I went through. Its all 'cause of your age and immaturity. One day, you'll know the answers of why I disappeared suddenly without any emails. Its all give and take J. You don't respect, you don't get it. I know nothing you'll lose, there are plenty of girls who are available and whom you'll date. So all the best with your life.

Even though you showed me happiness, you are the one who showed me what it is to be in somber mood. Our journey ends here. No way I want to get any information about you. I put all the alerts and information in other account and will not be logging in, at least that's what the plan is. What I'm visualizing is dropping a suitcase with collection of your stuff and waving goodbye without any feelings as if I've lost the sense of touch. I want to be happy and be available for the family. You never needed my affection nor you never need. So long to whoever you are. God help me to stick to the plan.

That reminds me Sara Bareilles "King Of Anything":

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Mood But No Participation From My Husband

For some reason, I'm in happy state of mood and I want to dance for this song.



Listening to this song makes me feel like I'm surrounded by love and want to dance crazily with the person whom I love but God, non-cooperative husband puts me in a damp mood. Why can't the music make him dance with his partner?

That's why you need to have kind of telepathy to feel excited even nothing happening around you. Sometimes my brain chemicals are so weird that even nothing happens I feel like I'm in ecstacy, just want to be happy and cheerful and dance around. Lucky, atleast my daughter is like me. She wants to dance and be merry.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Vulnerable To Attention And Affection!

The other day when I was shopping in Kroger, a tall man gave me a glimpse more than once in different isles. I was surprised and shocked and thought what he got to do with me. I was saying to myself - don't give attention to me or else you will be harassed and stalked. But then after a while, we did not come across in each other's path and we went on with our lives.

Why I'm posting this today is because it made me think about 2008 year, when a young man gave me unwanted attention and shown deep affection, it has changed my entire life. I am still chasing him on the internet like a ghost. He made my life upside down and shown that how easily you can fall in love and how difficult it is to come out of breakup when you seriously get attached to someone.

I discovered a new way to check someone's public profile without logging into Facebook and that made me to go to his ex-girlfriend and now his close friend's profile. He dated her and broken up with her before meeting me but when I came anonymously on the internet to interact with him, he panicked and changed his relationship status to "in relationship" with her. But once he came to know its me, he tried his level best to prove that he is still single. Anyway I had my doubts so that made me go to her profile. He purposefully made their conversation public so that I can know that he dated her 3 1/2 years and now they are "close friends". See that's why I say - "we are special"....He always knew how to pass information and I always somehow figure out where to get it. Mine is an arranged marriage, got married fresh out of college. I never went through love and break up before. I did not know how easily people fall for one and break up and find another one. I feel sorry for him for breaking up with her as I feel she is right for him as she might be his first love, first adult experience....physically matching too. Anyway I strongly made up my mind of not to contact him ever. I' m so bruised and battered mentally. He totally altered my life. I don't know up to how long I can follow him online. That is one of the reason, I want to blog to know in future of "Once-upon-a-time how vulnerable I was?".

I feel sorry for him too for going through this emotional journey with me. But honestly, I was not myself. I was totally lost. I was pathetic but I was always open with my motives. I used to tell through emails of how exactly I used to feel. I was right on with what was on my mind. I even told him that we both are from different worlds so it is better to not-interact. I was not sure of my mental state. I said to him that I'll be in touch with him from far. But in the end, like Linkin Park lyrics goes...

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Will I ever do this again? No NEVER! J, remember I did not fall for your 6-pack or for you being good looking but due to my mental state. I was not even put off by your awful spellings or with your curse words or sometimes immensely rude and obnoxious behavior. That shows how intense and stupid I was and still I'm but now, I know how to handle and not fall again. God, I didn't know that guys just for fun flirt and try to act as if they really like the person. There is no truth into it. LIVE & LEARN!! I bet he might have thought what a weird person she is. When brain doesn't work, you got to take the name.

Young And Single - When It Is Right Time To Find A Partner

Lately, I came up with a theory for youngsters is when it's good time to find a life companion, According to my obeservation, good time for single youngsters is before you turn 25 as that's when opposite gender madly falls in love for you and expects less from you as it is due to ignorance, inexperience and they believe deeply in their boyfriend/girlfriend and think without them the world will come to end. They won't think about family, finance, luxury or even normal day-to-day basis of how-to-lead-a-life. Gals are ready to do double shifts, work hard to keep their man happy and make him feel proud of whatever he is doing to keep them together and forever.

But once you cross 25...Oooo..thinks become harder. Lot of expectations from guys and gals. Gals expect guys to work in respected white collar job, should earn a good salary, would be willing to pay for dining/outdoor trips and should shower them with expensive, making friends-jealous kind of gifts. Don't know much of what guys expect...maybe like the way "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry song which conveys that she needs to be strong in delivering a joke, good sex, mind boggling body,  love sports and yeah definitely should be earning well to make the pair look more attractive.

I personally choose marriage before you turn 25 as you may even face difficulties to survive financially but there is a tender love which is irreplaceable not maligned with superficial desires or expectations.

Oh Yeah, My Son Is Allergic To My Voice!

To make my son to let his opinion out on any topic or to make him do household chores, all I've to do is sing. He'll do whatever it takes to stop me from singing. Don't understand why he is so allergic to my voice. No freedom of singing at my own house :(

If I hear any catchy tune on the radio, I want to hum or sing the lyrics and here comes my son like a rap song, he gives his own background music with relentless "STOP" word until I stop.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Gift Of Giving Season!

Joyous season all over. Just returned from my kids school. They had a Christmas party. Everyday exchanged gifts by playing this game, children have to pass gifts left and right with increasing speed based on listening to a story. Had all children sit in a circle and each one had a book to begin the game with. As the story is read aloud, the kids must pass their gifts to the left each time they hear the word "left," and to the right each time they hear the word "right." When the story is complete, each kid can open the present he/she has in front of them.

Everybody wishing everybody "Merry Christmas & Happy New Year" at the end.  Took lot of group pictures. Had such a merry time. Smiles and hugs everywhere.

If I had a whopping money, I would've given to all the teachers including the cafteria person to office related clerks to Traffic controllers. Giving is such a joy especially who don't expect from anyone. Their happiness, surprise look on their face gives you such a joy which cannot be equivalent to anything. It is just awesome moment to cherish.

All this festive mood making me, miss J. If we were kind of linked to eachother, he would've tweeted something like an arbitrary wish. Thats when you feel the magic, the belonging. But the reality is NONE! Whenever my heart soars with happiness, whenever I see togetherness, I miss him. Its like the whole world is existing and having merry time along with me but he is not there, not participating :-( And that dampens my mood. I'm so stupid!

Anyway remember, it's hard to believe but mark my words  joy comes from giving rather than accepting/taking gifts from others.

This hindi song is coming to my mind....

Uthe sab ke kadam dekho rum pum pum
Aji aise geet gaya karo
(Sing a song for everyone to dance)

Kabhi khushi kabhi gham
(Joys and sorrows are part of life)

Ta ra rum pum pum
Hanso aur hansayaa karo
(so smile and make others smile)

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

The Secret Behind "Why Teens And Young Adults Can Easily Hack The Internet?"

The other day when wiki leaks surfaced and Julian Assange got arrested and reports surfaced that some anonymous group trying to start a cyber war by attacking credit card companies and a guest on CNN said this group might be a bunch of teens............that's it that made me think...how can teens with limited knowledge be so powerful.

Don't you ever wonder, they are still  in learning stages and exploring stuff, how can they be the founders of Facebook, Napster, Sarah Palin's Email hacker.....how is it possible?

For this my husband said  "at that age, you have no fear, no boundaries, relentless try until you get what you want...its like you tell a kid to jump from the top of the house...he will jump without thinking about future or pain or anything...nothing comes to his mind...all he want to do is jump and impress his/her friends." And that is so true. Adults give up for many number of reasons but teens won't as they have time to find resource to get things done.

The lesson I learnt is sometimes ignorance is a bliss, the more knowledge you access, the more it'll pull you back, you try to conscious, safe and secure. The other day I was reading a book about "Science Behind Bicycles?" A person who don't know how to ride a cycle, after reading that book will feel dijected and will give up of learning as it talks about balance, how much you need to tilt to get the balance, how much degree your body should turn before you turn the handle to take a turn. But on normal basis of riding a cycle, you don't put that much theory behind it or else nothing in life would've been enjoyable.

So, thats where my theory evolved - Why Teens And Young Adults Can Easily Hack The Internet?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Person Of The Year, Mark Zuckerberg

A fine article on Mark Zuckerberg at Time magazine.


My thoughts and snippets from the article:

  • Wish I could work for Facebook and learn all the tricks and feel smart for the things I accomplish.
  • Wish to be as smart as Zuckerberg or at least belong in that nerdy group.
  • Too ashamed after comparing myself with genius like Zuckerberg who is using his intelligence and changing the world, who is making use of time in a precious way.
  • Wish I was born in that kind of family. If not my intelligence at least because of family connections I would've been with smart people around learning all the current technology and been on the mark of how to think and makes things work.
  • I was thinking to be a girlfriend of Zuckerberg, you need to be at least as smart as him like that Chinese girl. Of course smart always meets smart.
  • Unbelievable that he had same girlfriend from like eight years. Applause!! Way to go!!
  • Even if he gets married too there won't be a nagging wife to say "You all the time keep yourself busy. No interest on me,,,blah, blah" because she has her own life, dreams and aspirations and vision for future.
  • One interesting topic which made me giggle when he poses a question: Why wouldn't you want to share? Why wouldn't you want to be open — unless you've got something to hide? "Having two identities for yourself is an example of a lack of integrity,"----Yeah, that's true of no integrity, But people always don't lead transparent life because there are so many things involved like confidence, lack of judgment, social restrictions, criticism and you truly open about yourself. It is just not possible to let the whole world know about your mundane thoughts and sometimes vicious thinking because whatever chemical imbalance going on with your brain.
  • One more Mark Zuckerberg's statement: "If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place."---- We shouldn't do but we do that's why we are humans. We are not perfect. We have flaws in us. 
  • Ooo..even he believes in serendipity ------ "We have this concept of serendipity — humans do," Zuckerberg says. (The clarification is vintage Zuckerberg.) "A lucky coincidence. It's like you go to a restaurant and you bump into a friend that you haven't seen for a while. That's awesome. That's serendipitous. And a lot of the reason why that seems so magical is because it doesn't happen often. But I think the reality is that those circumstances aren't actually rare. It's just that we probably miss like 99% of it. How much of the time do you think you're actually at the same restaurant as that person but you're at opposite sides so you don't see them, or you missed each other by 10 minutes, or they're in the next restaurant over? When you have this kind of context of what's going on, it's just going to make people's lives richer, because instead of missing 99% of them, maybe now you'll start seeing a lot more of them."-----------don't you understand that's the problem, everyone things about serendipity and gets into false notion of something about someone and makes a wrong decision and there goes another relationship.......Relationships on Facebook have a seductive, addictive quality that can erode and even replace real-world relationships. Friendships multiply with gratifying speed, and the emotional stakes stay soothingly low; where there isn't much privacy, there can't be much intimacy either. It's like an emotional Ponzi scheme, where you keep putting energy in and getting it back tenfold, even though the dividends start to feel a little fake. 
  • Reaction about Newsfeed on Facebook: Social norms change. People hated Facebook's News Feed when it was introduced in 2006. They thought it was creepy and intrusive. Zuckerberg stood his ground, and now Facebook is unimaginable without it. He moved the chains, and we went with him, setting up our defense that much farther toward the end zone. "When caller ID came out, people went psycho. You know, because, Oh my God, now people are going to know I'm calling them! This is terrible! I'm going to end up being tracked, and Big Brother and Orwell and all that! The reality is now you won't pick up a call unless you know who's calling you." 
  • Article ends with: But for all its flaws, there was no other way for Facebook to begin. Only someone like Zuckerberg, someone as brilliant and blinkered and self-confident and single-minded and social as he is, could have built it. "The craziest thing to me in all this," he says, "is that I remember having these conversations with my friends when I was in college. We would just sort of take it as an assumption that the world would get to the state where it is now. But, we figured, we're just college kids. Why were we the people who were most qualified to do that? I mean, that's crazy!"  
  • All smart people have some kind of vision but to make it into reality is something extraordinary so hats off to Mark Zuckerberg, Person Of The Year for whatever the reason and whatever the flaws in Facebook, it is changing our world for better or for worse but it is affecting our lives.
  • As for as me I am astonished and constantly amazed with the way facebook is keep on metamorphosing, pushing us to new levels and testing human nature.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why Gloominess.....

From the time I'm conscious and 100% awake, this is the song ringing in my ears:

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open -
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

Over and over ringing in my ears. What does my brain want to say? I guess it is implying that I wrote so many unanswered letters, I set up every alert to get information about you, I do everything for you to be in touch with you but you won't do the same.

I don't even know what's causing the gloominess.. I have to send invitations to friends for New Years Eve Party. I need to plan for the party. I need to clean up the house, choose party dress, make the whole family ready for the party, make a cd on dance beats...so much to do, but don't want to do anything. All I want to do is painting that too gloomy faces, faces which are longing for someone. That's what is attracting to my eyes. I want to share his portrait with him which I drew by looking at his Myspace profile. Yeah, that thought gives me some kind of enthusiasm or else I don't feel any energy or charm in doing anything else otherwise.

Thinking to keep myself busy on weekdays by learning piano, exercising and painting. Keep everything scheduled until kids come home then I don't have to snoop on the internet and waste my precious time. But I won't do it. I don't understand why I'm scared to let him go. Poor soul don't understand that we were never meant for each other and he has gone..longtime ago. Does letting him go off  proves that chasing him was waste of time or that true love doesn't exist or that we were not connected but just I was mentally unstable ..is that's what the fear is - coming to understand and its time to face the truth.... The more you look in the rear view mirror, the more the chances of you, crashing your future, the life which is ahead of you. But what my half of my brain won't understand is I really long for him for whatever stupid reason it is. Why I'm empathetic towards his failures like as if its mine...why do I get offended as if someone is insulting me, if one part of my brain tries to see faults on him like about his English grammar or spelling blunders like "coarse" for "course" or his long chin. Why don't I see all these flaws and run away like a person on one particular blog  which I came across on the internet - criticized and was happy to not have that kind of "boyfriends"as her partner. Why can't I be selfish and just let him go like its not a big deal. Why I don't want to ignore him thinking he is nothing but an ordinary young man learning to survive and leading a single man's life of dating, hooking up with some ordinary girl, crashing at parties and drinking irresponsibly.  A big NO! I don't want to talk or interact with him. I'm so satisfied and happy to be far and still near by following him on forums.  I found this cool website "changedetection.com", which checks for you the website for any change and lets you know what kind of change of happened and when.  I don't want in any form to disturb him. I want to be dead for him. One of the reason I want to be away from him is I'm not good in my thoughts...all this flaws my mind tries to deliver puts me in confusion when my other part of brain overrides and stresses that it has nothing to do with being in love no matter what kind of person he is. Anyway I can assure that a critic exists in me but there is a person in me exists who overrides all the flaws and is loyal and has affection for him, no matter however he is and wherever he is. No boundaries for my compassion. I'll be a ghost on the web til a longing soul exists in me.

I want to pursue learning piano which I stopped after few months..thought it was hard to memorize and get the fluency while playing a piece. I would love to compose music and write songs. But I don't know which key makes which sound or else I would've written so many. Everything takes time. Wish whatever is in my brain comes out in words and make everyday blog post. Wish every tune in my brain forms itself musical notes to play on the piano.

Started reading "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck . Very good book and that's what motivated to pursue piano and not give up, be a learner in the world and not to be a non-learner. Have a growth mindset and strive for learning new things. Don't think about failure or success but just think as a journey to new adventures, to the new land of unknown bright world of learning. Writing down and encouraging my kids to show keen interest on learning life's important skills for brighter future and enter the world of learners.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wisdom Words About Frienship

The truth never fails to show itself in those "thousand little gestures." True friends bear each other's burdens and accept each other's weaknesses, because without reciprocity, there's nothing. Friendship is about collaboration, not domination. Because we should be stewards of each other's rooms, I am happy to help you keep yours clean, but life is too fleeting to let you continue trashing mine.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Virtual Interaction

Yes J, I saw your profile. Happy to see you flourishing and taking pride in your work. I know, you posted in detail all your work history for my sake with an undated profile picture. Thank you for honoring me with your effort. Well, best of luck in your future endeavors. You'll always have my support and wishes. Hope you are studying well to get your degree in 2012 as per expected.

Well, if you tried to see for my profile, you won't find it as I don't have any to-be-told career but my profile goes like these:

Current: Devoltionally Attached To One, Engineer
Education: Masters in Computers
Industry: Family

Summary:

Dedicated to family life, believes in unconditional love, very ignorant of the world, safely, secludedly, over protectively  brought up by parents, sensitive, friendly, helpful, good natured, creative parenting skills, highly involved parent, hard worker, curious to learn new things, motivator, believes in freedom and space.

Experience:

Devotionally Attached To One
Jun '08 - Present
  • Believed in someone's attention and numerous strong powerful pathetic pleading-for-friendship gaze and got dragged self to unconditional love
  • Learned about popular social media websites
  • Wrote countless messages describing her attachment, feelings like an open book somewhat pathetically
  • Learned about google, yahoo alerts and uses her computer knowledge to be on top of every topic about his life.
  • Truly follows that persons every internet move
  • Proved herself that she is loyal and can unconditionally love someone without expecting anything in return.
  • Takes her job seriously
  • Struggling to understand that how someone can love this position for so long and asks herself this question: have we known each other from past births or else why this unexplainable attachement? Why you want to let me know every tiny detail of your life unless you strongly believe in my past birth theory?
  • Hoping to continue this position as long as she lives anf be intouch with this person from far without any kind of interaction.
  • Truly beleives that we-were-meant-to-be-good-with-eachother theory and totally believes in some pure unexplainable bond even though in reality it is nothing - two people met and got seperated, that's all - nothing much to it.

Engineer
Nov '98 - current
  • Learned hard way to survive and go through criticism in her first year of married life.
  • Learned that in arranged marriages love will not be in the picture until you gain the trust of the person and for sometime you have to go through a life of a third and uninvited person in your own home i.e.,  so called husband's place.
  • Learned that even though married willfully, still have to go through criticism on everything related to your pre-marriage days from the-way-you-speak to way-of-living-life to parents-brought-up.
  • Learned to cook, shop, maintain family life
  • Learned to travel and tried different cuisines because of husband being a computer consultant.
  • Learned how not to be overly attached to anyone and be reclusive to emotions, love,desires, hopes and aspirations as world doesn't love you the way you are.
  • Learned that without money, no one loves or respects you and there is no unconditional ever lasting love which you ignorantly believe that you get in from your life partner.
  • Raised beautiful smart kids and has been fully 100% involved in their welfare.
  • Taught kids how to read before they turned three.
  • Takes priviledge in kids love for reading.
  • Read countless books, videoed and made a movie of every important moment of their life.
  • Inspired kids to learn swimming, skating and most important of all to be a music lover, made them learn piano from age three.
  • Occupied devotedly to kids early life and home schooled them until they turned to outside school life.
  • Learned that once woman gets married, its difficult to think of having career and having her own life unless she is ready to sacrifice time for family and the attention which kids crave at this young age.
  • Learned to scream at top of my lungs to get any things done otherwise no one listens at home, especially kids.
  • Learned that school expects you to participate in every trivial things related to your child from everyday homework to school activities to science projects to field trips.
  • Learned that there is a limited job opportunity if you are looking for part-time..either ithas to be a sales person or lifting loads at some warehouse or a bus or postal driver.
  • Learning how to be a good parent and trying very hard about not to influence kids with sometimes no-patience behavior and not to scream or yell if things go out of control.
  • Ofcourse praying God to make me a good wife and show empathy towards my husband and encourage his new family-oriented endeavors.
  • Learning how to be social and make new friends and still in search of finding a friend with whom I can really connect with.
  • Learned and accepted that to have a happy marriage life, you don't have to have head-over-the-heels love but true understanding of your partner and make few adjustments to  have a successul longlasting marriage life.
  • Learned that arranged marriages may start rough but will gain love momentum as the years pass on and you'll get in-tuned with the other person and adjust your life. You'll understand that there is nothing better on other side of the world, it just looks like grass is greener but it is just a mirage.
  • Learned that you need just one person in this world who can be your true friend and truly loves every minute of his/her life with you and the rest about having lot-of-friends is just to time pass.
  • Learned that the smaller the circle the better your marriage life will be or else too many distractions, too many options to wander off, too much divertion, too many unsolicited advises and great risk of diverting off from your life partner.
Education

Masters in Computers
  • Studied relentlessly as if there was no other world existed.
  • Top in class.
  • Hardworker
  • Took pride in whatever I was doing from research to project completion, ontime and helpful to others

Friday, December 3, 2010

I Made Him To Love Himself And He Made Me To Hate Myself!

Something special for you J, but please don't freak out. I am using my raw talent and this is what I did with your Myspace profile picture.

Ta-da!!


This picture clearly says you lost a lot of weight. Hope my anonymous way of  communication over the internet for couple of months in '08 has not caused you to lose weight. Really, unbelievable loss of weight. Hope you are keeping up well now. This is my gift to you. Maybe little bit freaky to draw you but I' m working on my homework as a part of my Art class which I'm undertaking from past two months. Want a good one, all you've to do is pose ;)

Feel like keeping this as my facebook profile picture and freak you out but I CAN'T...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Women!! Women!! Women!!

Do you ever wonder why women are everywhere? Recently I have noticed and gave a thought by looking around me....WOMEN ARE EVERYWHERE. I see there existence not mere but profound existence in commenting on blogs to MTV college concerts to public concerts to idiotic party photos to radio listeners to website subscribers to work area to shopping malls to grocery stores to Facebook or social media users to crime reporting journalism to war reporters to sports arena. You name it, women are there and even sometimes on motorbikes too.

But as per my knowledge goes women  population is less than men so why is our presence seen everywhere. Where do guys exist not that I'm looking for one? I saw there existence in computer related or fishing forums but otherwise we overtake the world with constant presence and consistent never ending say on every topic in this world.

Can you hear us? Oh hell, We heeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaar ya!! That's not me. That's what guys are saying ;)

I Always Expect Reunion

Now a days, whenever I see a couple breaking up, it breaks my heart and I keep on expecting them to meet again. It gives me some kind of satisfaction and gives me a hope that the seperation is not the end of them but they'll meet again and again until they are surrounded by love and affection and if true love exists between them.

The other day, when I was watching the movie "Leap Year",  the characters of the movie go through the same scenario...I was like "that's it, the Ireland guy will never meet her again? Is it the end of their journey? What was the worth of meeting and knowing him?" But...because it was a movie, they do meet. She leaves her boyfriend, job, country and travels 3000 miles to Ireland to marry him.

J, do you think we'll meet or interact again? Its all in your hands but you want to let me go. Even though you care but you just want to move on. I guess my affection was not enough to pull you back. Who knows what you might be thinking...I'm tired of following on the internet but I keep on doing it, I don't know for how long. I'm so irritated with myself that why I can't let you go off...why can't I think that this world is big enough and very easy to forget someone....why can't I use my energy and attention to do something better...why can't I think that if one door closes and the other is awaiting to be opened....why can't I think there are endless possibilities and if someone doesn't care and can't interact, that's not the end.

I need self control, discipline and motivation. You kept all kinds of web trackers to stop me from browsing for you. To say the truth, it really helps and forces me to not to go to your Facebook or  Myspace, or Twitter or your friends profiles as I don't want to give any indication to you that I exist. Only one thing, I 'm doing now a days is typing only half of your name on Facebook's iPhone app and it shows your profile picture and I do that everyday even though you don't change your profile everyday. I feel embarrassed to do it but I keep on doing it. I know I am hopeless, worthless, stupidest person on the Earth. But if I'm curious and want to find something, I just can't stop it. I'll get frustrated until I do it. By typing half of your name, I'm not harming you or anybody but if you can watch what I'm doing on Facebook then I can't help it other than feel embarrassed for you to know how hopeless I am and how stupid one person can be. Anyway, ball is in your court so enjoy the fun of embarrassing me but remember and I can definitely say that I showed you what is unconditional love and you'll all throughout your life miss my affection and attention. I wish you best and feel miserable when I think of my mental condition. Wish someone cures and lets me know, why I'm still struggling to forget you. You were correct about me being immature. So true!!

Friday, November 26, 2010

How To Wear Leggings

Today, I did Black Friday shopping at United Colors Of Benetton and bought a tunic with matching leggings. Even though I argued about the tunic's length with the sales person as it was almost coming up to my knees but somehow she used her magic and made me buy. So, here I'm researching on "leggings with tunic" to know whether I'm right and of course my fashion instincts were right. Now, what should I do...return or give it to alterate and spend some more money?

Wear leggings with tunics: The simplest way for women to sport leggings is underneath a tunic. Tunics vary in length, so it's important that your tunic is long enough to cover your hips and rear. Because leggings fit so close to the body, you want your top to come down past your hips - otherwise, this is a look better suited for the gym instead of the street. Your tunic top can be in sweater form or knit jersey material. You can wear a belt with it or not. Just make sure your look is balanced - since a tunic is roomy, your leggings should be fitted. One way to sport a monochromatic, casually elegant ensemble is to wear a black tunic with black leggings and black high heel boots. This is perfect for cool weather.
Petites and tall women: Petite women should take care when wearing leggings with a roomy top. Make sure your top is proportioned for shorter women so that it doesn't fall past your mid-thighs - otherwise, it can look like you're wearing a dress with leggings underneath. Also, your ensemble should be as monochromatic as possible for an elongating look. Tall women should also select their tops with care. You want to wear a shirt that comes down far enough so that your rear isn't exposed.
Choose the right shoes: Leggings look best with flats, such as ballerina flats, or plain pumps. Boots are another great option to wear with leggings.
Don't wear a tight shirt: Because leggings are so fitted, it's best to steer clear of tight shirts for the best look. These items work better when your overall outfit is balanced, pairing roomy with fitted.

It's Complicated!!

Yesterday, I watched the funny movie "It's Complicated". Made me laugh-out-loud. Meryl Streep and Alec Balwin's acting was amazing. Especially, I liked the background music they play whenever Alec Baldwin gets weird thoughts to get attention of his Ex-wife.

The movie ends with both going separate directions even though he leaves his current wife to be with his ex and expresses his love that has never changed over the divorced period, Meryl doesn't accept his proposal.

If I did not experience such failures in my life, I would've easily said 'oh why can't she agree and live happily ever-after  after all he left his wife and once again back to you with all his love' but the truth is not that plain. On the surface, things may look smooth with all the fun and the attention but the scars of the past won't go away.

Even though I'm desperate and miss the person who I think has become part of my life, inspite of him trying to do subtle things like updating FB profile or sharing his personal stuff on forum, I can't send him a message as it is complicated and things won't happen the way you want it to be and of course big "Uncertain future". That's why, once he said S.O.S in reference to my saying 'Why it is so complicated?'.

I was surprised to see that he won't mind me snooping around for him on the internet to find his latest details. He actually changed his signature on the forum with his real name so that I won't get confused and giving assurance that I'm following a right candidate. I know he likes me and loves to share nitty-gritty things about his life but inspite of that we both know that we are not meant to be so we have to let it go and accept the truth.

Its been 64 days without writing an email to him. Are we done J? 'cause in the past, we always somehow got back together but this time it looks real.Yeah, time will create distance between us in our minds and we slowly lead ourselves in different directions and that will be the end of us.

As usual my brain has a song for this occasion....it is Christina Perri's Jar Of Hearts.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Virtual Love Saga

You may not believe this but I'm surrounded by mysteriousness and I don't know how to solve it. Wish a computer genius who is very good at javascript will be willing to help me.

This is a story about a man with whom I interwoven myself with my heart and soul in a pure way not in a sexual way but with a deep attachment which even after two years still as strong as when it started. As far as I know, only a psychiatrist can answer my attachment towards this person.

Let us talk about unresolved mystery, shall we? He is using some kind of tracking code on my Facebook and able to know about my browsing history on Facebook. He is not my friend on Facebook but he knows when I login and what I do. The question you want to ask me is how do I know. While I was sleeping, my brain was busy analyzing all the possibilities  Whenever I check for his or his unreal girlfriend's status messages through one of his friend's friend list, he will know and promptly he updates his profile picture and lets me know in a naughty way that he is top of things and has full control over what I do.

So what I did is found an uncommon and rarely used friend's list from his unreal girlfriend's friends list which btw has 1000 friends. But still he was able to find out and by next day, she removed him from his friends list. Don't you think this is fishy. Without knowing this, I went through many profiles from his friends list and some where his relatives and now they all kept themselves private. In past when we were going through misunderstanding period, I told him to make his profile private so that is the reason, he can interact only through by updating profile picture.

My understanding is if I use iPhone app, he will not be knowing my browsing pattern but if I use any kind of browser, he is getting some kind of my session information. The so called Facebook privacy is creeping me out.

He has control over Google search. He gets some kind of notification whenever someone searches for him. When I searched for his fake forum name, he promptly mentioned about his weekend long drive. Whenever he interacts or catches me, I can feel his enthusiasm, his liveliness which just pours out and that always gives me indication that he caught me. My question is why can't he interact directly and say I miss you, talk to me, I need you, I want to be your friend  I want to be in touch with you but he won't send me an email or anywhere on the internet displays direct interaction with me like if interacting with me is a taboo. I sent him countless emails about my attachment towards him and how I want to be in touch with him forever and be a good friend. Even though, he accepts my friendship, never talks to me directly or answers to my questions in my email. I'm so tired of waiting for a proof which says his attachment towards me or about how his gladness over finding him on the internet or how we keep on get separated but still able to find each other somewhere on the internet or how we keep track of each others moves on the internet.

I understand your actions but I'm dying for words. I'm miserably losing weight due to being emotional and clinging to something which might not be anything. If we are something extraordinary like "The Notebook" movie, one day you'll write to me without being worried about the world.

One more weird thing happened is when I was drawing a movie actress as a part of my media room art project, I drew his so-called girlfriend's face. Can you believe it?


How weird can this be.... out of all the faces on the Earth, my hand leads to her.

As always my brain plays a right song at right time and right now its playing Nicky Minaj's "Right Through Me".

You see right through me
How do you do that shit? x3
How do you x5

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I'm Better Off

I hanged a collage of selective and memorable images of my marriage life on the wall. It shows the journey of  how we progressed as a couple and how collectively exteneded our family by adding two.  It shows how an innocent girl traveled through her life and became mother of two. Every picture has a story. Every picture lets us know where we were in our life whether we were happy or grumpy or just posed smiling for the camera sake.

Why I say I'm better off is 'cause when I used to see Facebook profiles of young people who are in their early twenties posing away and showing all their affection and hugs to the partner, I felt shooting pain in my heart and felt lonely, seeing them having love in their life, the partner who adores and loves you for who you are. The socializing, the fun trips to lakes, boating, fishing, traveling, touring, attending marriages, the endless nights, partying, care-not life as couples made me choke, felt like I was trapped under load of unhappiness and no one in the world loves or cares for me. I am all all alone in this big wide world.  But when I checked my collage, I realized once-upon-a-time, I had that life and now I've progressed in my life and reached a more responsible and contented life. The collage shows my marriage life and countless stories, that too with one partner whereas I cannot say same about the people who are in their 20's posing for Facebook as they change every week, every year to different partner, causes can vary from cheating to not-my-type person.

Believe me, my heart - grass always looks greener on the other side. Its like a mirage. Don't believe what you see as it is make-a-believe pictures for show off and temporary attention. What you have is gold. You have nurtured it, went through ups and downs, collected memorable treasures in the form of kids and made a life and you doesn't have to remove or erase a part of life as a partner of that time broke your heart like the way it happens with people who are in their 20's.

So I encourage everyone to keep as many pictures as possible on your walls, showing your life with your partner. It is so important as eyes look for proof, looks for something which pleases your soul and gives you the assurance that you too have love in your life.

So take as many pictures as possible with joy, happiness and fill them with hugs even though you may not be in a mood for that particular joyous occassion. But remember you have to build this treasure of happy pictures for your eyes to give you the satisfaction and assurance that your life is not wasted away.

I don't know why but BOB's "don't let me fall" song is ringing in my ears. Somehow the song might be relevant to my current frame of my mind as my brain always plays right songs at right time.

But it was just a dream
Just a moment ago
I was up so high
Lookin down at the sky
Don’t let me fall
I was shootin for stars
On a Saturday night
They say what goes up
Must come down
But don’t let me fall

Monday, November 22, 2010

Deja vu

Yes, that's what my semi-unconscious brain in my sleep did for me on Friday night. My semi-unconscious mind gave me answers to my problems. When I woke up, I was in cheerful mood like as if we have reconnected once again and overcame the odds to interact once again with each other. Whenever I am in that happy state of mind, I really feel like the street, the fall leaves, the world around me has, once again, started speaking with me.  My totally conscious brain was skeptic and did not allow me to believe the answers given by my semi-unconscious brain. But it made me believe that he will find me wherever I am and will interact mysteriously.

These is how it goes...my brain said to me that he has intercepted my search for him through Google search  to find his recent posts on a forum. And my brain has convinced me about his cheerful ecstatic mood which he displayed was to let me know that he caught me reading his posts and happy to interact with me in that way. It even gave me reasons of why it thinks in this way as his recent forum post timings matched with my Facebook login as he has expected that I'll  check his forum post after my Facebook browsing. It even told me his motive in updating his gf's profile as I'll be checking or doing search for her on Google to see her latest Facebook profile picture and that's why he posted his picture along with her as a couple to make me feel jealous and to update me his relationship status and his new girl in his life.

The reason my brain was able to convince me is 'cause in past, that's how we communicated through Google search. Hard to believe, but that's true. Whenever I searched for him on Google, he used to display or conceal his related websites based on our peace/un-peaceful relationship. When I contacted him on  the internet for the first time, I did not reveal myself so he did not know who was searching for him but I indicated to him through Facebook message about me "knowing him" and his once-upon-a-time interest on me. He did lot of mysterious way of communication on the Internet for which I have no answers even though I have Masters degree in computers. Like for an instance, even though he is not my friend on Facebook, he knows when I login. We used to communicate in that way too. Whenever I used to login and there used to be a status update on his profile as if I pinged him by logging on my FB. He used to amaze me with this mysteriousness.  Even now, he updates his profile picture based on my search for his profile picture through his friend's friends list and that friend can be anybody from his friends list. No one can believe but happened time and time again. Last time, I checked on him was Oct 24th and next day, when I saw through fb apps search by just typing half of his name so that he won't get any indication, there it was, he updated with "Nissan Truck", let me know that he bought a new Nissan Titan. Even though, I want to communicate with him, I can't as he never talks with me direct, always mysterious way which makes me sad and rises my anxiousness with unanswered questions.

Wish someone on the internet can solve this mystery and give peace for me. I have convinced myself that we always be in touch with each other through these mysterious ways. We have some kind of understanding, even though we are nothing for each other, something is bonding us and keep us together in virtual world.  I can feel in his messages, if he is in happy mood. He starts speaking a lot, tries to be funny and that's what he used to do when once-upon-a-time when we use to see each other or when he used to catch me on the  internet, snooping on him.  In my unconscious world, I felt like telling him to dream big and was convincing him to work hard and achieve the highest post and earn lot of money(that is his wish) as you have the power and intelligence to get it done if you put your mind to it.

Anyway, I kept myself away from the internet for two days to have total peace. Wish I could be away from the Internet week after week. My only news about him is through internet. If I'm away from it, I can run away from anxiety, restlessness.  Weekend was fabulous,, socializing with neighbors. But when I woke up, I was surrounded by anxiety and restlessness to check emails, alerts, Facebook....what not. Feeling depressed. Something wrong with me for sure. Why can't I get it that he has his own world, his life...why he'll be thinking about me. Internet is killing me.

Right now, I don't believe anything in this world. I don't feel anything. Am I conscious or day dreaming about writing? I'm feeling dizzy. I am not knowing the reality. I don't know, how long I'll sustain...

Friday, November 19, 2010

Is There An App To Lock My Phone?

I'm truly wishing for an App which can lock my itouch for mentioned number of days in that way once I make a decision of not surfing the web. That's it, cannot be altered. If we don't have self-discipline, some external force have to be used. I'm so done with FB and the whole wide web. I'm pathetic! Help me!

After little bit of cry, now, I'm ready to console myself. Feeling better already. Cry always makes me feel good. Don't know whatever the reason behind it. I'll do research on it later but not now.

God give me self-discipline, stubbornness, will-power to overcome this reclusive behavior.

Dear Bloggy

I am stuck. Don't know what to do in the morning. Can't go to work as I've to take care of kids once they come home from school. Searched for some part-time jobs. Almost, all are related to lifting weights or sales related. Not interested in both. I don't know, what to do. Just killing my life. I can't go for work too as interacting with people makes me go through emotional journey if some one is disrespectful or acts like I'm not existing. I am really not fit to be on this Earth.

My mom raised me over-protective way. Now, I am sensitive and unsocial. Every little neglect by people in a group makes me conscious of their dislike over me. The whole world looks unfriendly to me.  Yes, I should live and breath for my own selfish reason. Why do I care about others thoughts?

Wish someone can be my mentor and show me direction of how to lead my life. Constantly living life without anyone's guidance is killing me. Followed someone for past two years, showed relentless attention to unknown as if he is my soul mate. Acted like I was mentally ill. But seriously, I don't repent as I did not have control on my thoughts.

I can't make friends as I feel like no one can really like me. Feel like no one needs me. Everyone somehow makes someone as their friend but for some reason I can't. Other than my sister, up to 3 'o clock, I don't speak with anyone. That is one of the reason, I snoop on that unknown person, when I have nothing to do with this life. Maybe sometimes, I feel if he comes back and says that he wants to be in touch with me and that he needs me and my friendship and maybe that will give my confidence back that I am likable. But that will never happen 'cause he doesn't need me.

I feel like a loser. God, why didn't I plan my life after college...I just wasted my life. Living life as if I'm incapable and dumb. Even though I do volunteer work for school, I want to do more. I want to interact with new people. I want to show that I'm responsible and mature and has many brilliant ideas to share and talk. I'm waiting patiently for some door to open, for some bright light to show the way into new world, into new adventures.

Life is so complex. No one can be happy. Job, family, kids...everybody wants everything. And people who have all those three are also not happy as no time for family, haphazard life, no attention for kids, no vacation, labor work week after week. In that way, I should be happy of not going for work as I can concentrate on kids and their future but what to do about guilty feeling of not doing anything in the morning.
Working women feel guilty and even non-working women feel too.

By not going for work, I feel like I'm not matured. Can't handle different kind of people and their moods due to lack of experience. Planning for a new year eve party with neighbors and my hubby's colleagues. But I lack confidence about whether I can uplift and make the party a memorable and fun event. Have some brilliant ideas but the guests might not be the right candidates to go along with my ideas .

Even though I resist myself the 'L' word but that's what I see in my horizon. JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ.....come and give my confidence back...make my day.

I am so STUPID!! Don't come back. I don't respect anyone. Some part of my brain always speaks negative about everybody. I am stuck in two different opposite way of thinking brains. So no peace, no love for anyone.

The other day when my neighbor, a guy sent me a Facebook msg saying "why so much silence" about no-status-updates from me for a whole week as I was trying to runaway from Facebook, it reminded me about you. If he can miss me so too you can 'cause I'm fun and vibrant but you shut me up j. You took away my peace, my life from me. Made me dis-likable,  a loner. I am starting to dislike everybody, whole world....everything looks superficial, unimportant, no fun. What I'm going to do? Whenever I go to Facebook, I feel like you are within reach to communicate but I can't, we are untouchable and unknown to each other.  That's why I hate Facebook. On top of that, you know my every move on FB. I'm so frustrated for not able to find out the code which you are using to get my information. Just the thought of how it is possible for you to know my log-ins and log-outs, irritates me when no one in google search says it is impossible to snoop on private accounts. I am pretty sure its not my illusion but from outside world it looks impossible.

From the time, you indirectly let me know about your new mini truck, all I see on the roads is Nissan Titan. Before my eyes used to wander for Nissan 350Z and that too for silver color car and now it is for red mini truck. Involuntarily my brain scans the roads. Thanks to google alerts, I am getting your forum posts to my inbox. Sometimes I doubt and get worried whether you know that I'm following you on the forum. That will be awkward and awful. I just want to know true you without any false pretension. I want to forget you but same brain says to be in touch with you forever. Good luck with your turkey roast. When I think of sending you best wishes on turkey and then think of  puzzle look on your face about how I know - puts a smirk on my face like -  how once it happened with you when I sent an email to your email address which you thought I did not know, That incident always puts a smile on my face but at the same time makes me gloomy too.

I started this post with something and ended it with your topic as-usual tsk, tsk...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Finally, Everything Have To End

Dear J,

Yeah, I know you found a new girl in your life. I am happy for you. Lately, reading a lot of couples getting together and having good time. You too deserve a good girl. This is the first time, I felt happy when I came across your picture with your new GF. Finally, something real instead of you faking for my sake. But after 30 minutes, I am kind of sobbing. But I know to my heart that we were nothing for eachother ever. You were part of life which God has planned so that I can go through the journey of love, attachment and broken heart. If you did not come in my life, I would have never known what people go through when they are in love and how difficult it is to have and maintain relationship, how a little bit of miscommunication can lead to break ups. Mainly, what I experienced is how difficult to come out of break ups. I skipped all these in my life until you came in. Always thought love is the best thing can happen to anyone but OMG, the break up part, the aggravating pain, the agony, the anxiety...even though seen in movies but never felt it so hard. No wonder, they say, put yourself in others shoe. Until you experience on your own, no one has right to judge others. Because of you coming into my life, internet became part of my life...Youtube, Facebook, Google search, Twitter, Google alerts....and the list goes on and on. I never knew that you attacked me like Tsumani and wiped and changed my entire life. Because of you, perspective over many things has changed for me forever. Because of you, I guess, I can never ever be truly happy. You showed all the faults, the weakness in me and my life and still........I can't run away from you. The farther I go from you, the happier I'll be but I strapped myself with Facebook, Google alerts and what not.

Your messages on forum conveyed that you were in happy state of mind and I instantly knew that something is making you to be ecstatic. She seems to be a nice girl and rightly matches to your physique. I am glad, If you have found your true love and your life partner.

I wish I don't follow you on the internet and just leave you alone with your life but I keep on constantly follow your every move. I tell myself to give me a break. But, I don't listen to myself. Yes, I am glad that we don't communicate ever. That's Gods blessing. Pray to God that I don't follow you anymore and ask him to show me a way to make myself happy.

The good old days were good. Once you lose someone, you lose them permanently but now a days, it is not possible due to internet and especially if you don't have discipline.

Taylor Swift's Mine song lyrics ringing in my ears..braced myself for Goodbye, 'cause that's all I ever known.

Do you ever miss me? It is hard to forget me I guess, after all the things I did with my unstoppable emotional attachment towards you. I guess, you are glad that I am not in your life anymore. Yeah, I am glad that I am not in your life anymore but you are still with mine. Not a day goes by without thanking God for not communicating with you and that I'm not part of your life. I only wish one thing is just to erase past two years of my life and make me be what I was before you came in my life. I want God to erase all your memories, just swipe them completely and I should be like "J who?". How can it be possible if I strap myself with your links?

Wish I could peek in my future, beyond ten years and see whether I forgot you completely. I did a lot of research on internet about how people find new people and forget about all their old grievances, breakups and move along with life. It is possible...time heals the pain. I remember the days when I went through depression because of you and you even made me take depression pill. I remember how the pill made me relax, how it numbed my nerves and my thinking process and how it stopped from me being myself.  I remember those days when I used to be so anxious and my heart used to beat faster. Now, I am better than those days when I used to think that I couldn't live without you. Yes, time heals everything.

My brain constantly amazes me..how it always plays right song at right time. This is what is ringing in my ears....

Lifehouse's Broken:

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain is there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain is there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you will throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will, I'll be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Hidden Beauty - Caddo Lake

Caddo Lake, the mysterious and intriguing Texas treasure, is stretched across the Texas-Louisiana border. Caddo is Texas' only naturally formed lake and covers 26,810 acres of Cypress swamp and has an average depth of 8' 10" with the deepest water averaging about 20 feet. Caddo Lake offers many bayous, channels, waterways and sloughs which delight the fishermen. The state has marked 42 miles of "boat roads" to guide the sportsman through the maze of channels.










Even though the day was chill, the beauty of the place has taken my breath away. Til not, I 've seen only in pictures but to see such a mysterious beauty with your own eyes is such a joy to heart. The quietness of the place makes you relax and make you feel like cuddle your hubby and enjoy life without worrying about anything. The amazing thing is you can go for a boat riding or you can go on canoe in between those American lotus.

Trust me, don't ever hesitate to go this place. It is just awesome!!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

25 Superfoods

According to O' magazine, discover the ingredients that will keep every part of you healthy—including your appetite.


Avocados


Creamy, succulent avocados not only contain the best kind of fat (monounsaturated oleic acid) but also help your body block the absorption of bad fats (cholesterol). They're high in lutein, which aids eyesight, and in potassium and folate, which may reduce the risk of stroke and cardiovascular disease. And they're low in pesticides.

Beets


The pigment betacyanin, which gives beets their distinctive hue, is just one of several disease-fighting phytonutrients found in this root vegetable. Beets are also a good source of folate, which guards against birth defects, colon cancer, and osteoporosis, and are high in fiber and beta-carotene.

Horseradish


Glucosinolate-rich horseradish fights cancer and kills bacteria. It's also a good source of calcium, potassium, and vitamin C, which, among other things, helps maintain collagen.

Sweet Potatoes


Whether orange or white, sweet potatoes contain phytonutrients that promote heart and eye health and boost immunity. They're flush with beta-carotene (thought to lower breast cancer risk) and vitamin A (which may reduce the effects of smoking).

Cruciferous Vegetables

Cruciferous vegetables—cabbages, cauliflower, broccoli rabe—contain a powerful range of disease fighters. One particular hero, sulforaphane, may increase enzymes that lower the incidence of colon and lung cancers.

Blueberries

Fresh or frozen, blueberries have sky-high levels of antioxidants, which combat the damage done by inflammation. Anthocyanins, the natural plant compounds that give blueberries their deep color, may have antidiabetic effects as well. And new research suggests blueberries might protect the heart muscle from damage.

Dark, Leafy Greens

Dark, leafy greens such as spinach, kale, and swiss chard are an excellent source of iron (especially important for women), vitamin A, and lutein for eye health. Best of all, you know those omega-3s everyone's talking about? They reside in dark greens (including seaweed, which is why they're concentrated in fish).

Alliums

Alliums, the botanical family that includes leeks, onions, and garlic, share many remarkable traits. They can help lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels. Research suggests they inhibit the growth of prostate, stomach, and colon cancer cells. They also have antibiotic properties—so they can ward off germs as well as vampires.

Whole Grains

Don't eat whole grains (such as buckwheat and quinoa) just because they are high in magnesium, B vitamins, fiber, and manganese. Do it because they taste great—nutty, buttery, earthy. And that, in turn, may actually help you to not overeat—one study found that people feel fuller after eating buckwheat than after eating other grains.

Spelt

Like whole wheat, ancient spelt is sweeter, nuttier, and higher in protein than its processed relatives. Both are also good sources of manganese and copper.

Turmeric

Turmeric, used in holistic medicine as a digestive aid and wound healer, can also serve as an anti-inflammatory, so reach for the curry (turmeric is a primary ingredient) when nursing a toothache or a sprain.

Oregano

Superstar levels of antioxidants mean that a half teaspoon of dried oregano has the benefits of a spinach salad. Oregano has the ability to act as an expectorant, clearing congestion, and can also improve digestion.

Cinnamon

Cinnamon is the gold medalist of the spice rack, with one of the highest antioxidant levels of all herbs and spices. It also has a positive effect on blood glucose levels, so adding it to foods can keep you feeling steady and satiated.

Ginger, Cayenne, Black Pepper

That heat on your tongue when you eat spices such as ginger, cayenne, and black pepper is evidence of gingerols, capsaicin, and piperine, compounds that boost metabolism. They also have an aphrodisiac effect—but avoid consuming them if you're bothered by hot flashes.

Miso

Deeply flavorful miso, a fermented soybean paste, is a great source of low-calorie protein (two grams in a 25-calorie serving). It also contains B12 and is a good source of zinc, which helps the immune system function properly.

Yogurt

Like the milk it's made from, yogurt is a very good source of calcium, phosphorus, and protein. Unlike milk, real yogurt also contains probiotics, the good bacteria your digestive system needs to process and benefit from all the other things you eat. One, Lactobacillus casei, boosts immune response.

Sardines

Wild-caught sardines are low in mercury (unlike some types of tuna) and high in vitamin D; a three-ounce serving has as much calcium as a cup of milk. Even better, they're one of the Monterey Bay Aquarium's top picks for sustainability.

Canned Salmon

King, sockeye, and coho salmon have more DHA plus EPA omega-3 fatty acids than almost any other seafood, as well as some of the lowest mercury levels. Nutritionally, wild-caught Alaskan canned salmon is as good as fresh, and it costs a fraction as much. The Monterey Bay Aquarium also champions this fish's sustainability.

Sesame Seeds

Tiny, tasty sesame seeds contain unique lignans (or plant compounds), including sesamin and sesamolin, which can help lower cholesterol. The seeds are a good source of calcium, phosphorous, and zinc—as well as copper, which research suggests may help maintain strong bones.

Walnuts

Of all nuts, walnuts contain the most alpha-linolenic omega-3 fatty acids, which lower LDL (bad) cholesterol and may reduce inflammation in arteries. Walnuts are also a great source of antioxidants, vitamin E, selenium, and magnesium.

Green Tea

While all tea (black, white, and green) has protective antioxidants, green tea contains the most bang for your sip. It's full of a metabolism-boosting compound called EGCG, which prevents damage to the heart muscles. Green tea may also improve bone density, but avoid adding milk to your cuppa—it may reduce the body's absorption of the catechins.

Dark Chocolate

It's just like chocolate to crash the party, but it's no mistake that the dark variety confers health benefits. Dr. Aviva Romm, President of the American Herbalists Guild, says that the high antioxidant levels make it a perfect indulgence. Chocolate is high in flavonoids, substances that have been shown to improve blood flow, suppress coughs, improve memory, and give you hydrated, smooth skin. A 1 oz. dose of chocolate a day is now officially the doctor's order

Flaxseed

Omega-3 fatty acids are a hot nutrition buzzword, and for good reason—they speed up cell metabolism and reduce inflammation in the body, reducing triglyceride levels and lowering blood pressure. One of the easiest ways to get them is from ground flaxseed. For a fast hit, sprinkle some on oatmeal or baked dishes.

Figs

Used for millennia is ancient Mediterranean and Middle Eastern cultures, figs are an excellent source of dietary fiber (almost 2 grams each!). They're also a good source of calcium and potassium.

Seaweed (Hijiki, Wakame, Kelp, Nori)

Think of eating seaweed as going directly to the source—this is where fish procure their Omega-3's, meaning you can skip the fish and go straight to the seaweed. Seaweeds are also a two-for-one deal, nutrition-wise: They contain nutrients commonly found in green, leafy vegetables, along with most minerals found in the ocean. They're also full of magnesium, which may prevent migraines and asthma attacks. Grate nori on popcorn and eggs, add wakame to soups, and marinate hijiki with sesame oil for a quick salad.

Based on this list, what I found out is my grocery list is the best. I use lot of ingredients from this list. Way to go!! Some I never heard like miso or Alliums but will definitely look for it next time when I am on my way for groceries.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Is Obsession Caused By Chemical Imbalance?

I don't know how to get an answer for this without directly discussing with a doctor.

I longed for almost two years for a guy whom I met at my kids swim school. He showed a lot of interest in me and made me alive. Two years ago, life took us separate ways but at that time, when we got separated,  I was so crazy for him. I just did not know how to come out it. Anyway, I found him online and started stalking him. Finding every tiny detail about him. I used to think about him 24 * 7 for almost two years.

We had a lot of  misunderstandings and almost it was like a hell to interact with him. Because both of us know our boundaries but fought through until we made ourselves tired.

In lot of my previous posts, I expressed what I went through. One thing, I was sure that I for sure knew that the person whom I am becoming is not me. It is out of my character. Now, if I reflect back for the things I did, for the way I stalked him online makes me feel queasy. All I can say is my mind did not work properly. I wrote so many emotional emails to him about the way I was attached to him.

I might have really looked like a crazy person to him. The "Uncharacteristic Two Years Of My Life" will always be part of my life. It doesn't matter whether I like it or not.

I want to know from a psychiatrist that why it happened. What was lacking in my life that I chased a person so much. I guess, all might not look that bad if he too expresses the same longing but he never expressed but had a lot of fun in teasing me and tons of fun in sharing with his friends. Maybe, in right frame of mind, I would have done the same. Mine was unbelievably unrealistic.

I still have not recovered totally. I still snoop for him online. But I am much much better than I was in 2008. I used to say sorry and used to plead whenever he was upset and used to beg him to accept my friendship. My whole life used to revolve around him. My anxiety level used to be so high and used to be depressed all the time. I almost lived like a dead body but used to feel alive whenever he used to communicate that too anonymous way.

Now, how can I know, why those things happened...was it post-pregnancy depression...or was it because of chemical imbalance as I was in between during that time, anemic too. When I talked about this person to my general doctor, all she said was to make friendship with someone local and to have good supportive friendship circle but even though I tried, no one made me happy other than him. I almost used to be ecstatic whenever we interacted. He had such a hold on me.

I'll never know the answers, never ever. Unless, someone with psychiatry background serendipitous-ly falls on this blog and would be willing to answer. Til then I'll live this mysterious lunatic life with full of unanswered questions or unless he comes and says I too felt the same way about you. But that's not going to happen because I know my brain and its thinking has gotten rotten.

At the end of this journey, my conclusion is love is just a temporary one and based on that people getting married is a terrible mistake. I am not saying that love marriages are unreliable but when you get married to someone, it is not based on only "love" but respect to that person, to your life and to your partner's life and the dreams you have for yourself. Because love is just a state of mind for certain period.

Does True Love exist? Maybe it exists. I still think about him but I know my limitations. I can't say for sure that love exists as I really can't hate him nor love him. So I am kind of in between. If he comes back and ever expresses any kind of good feelings, may be it exists because I think I may rebound or time may create detachment but til then I'll block it off from my mind and this question too will remain in unanswered list.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Weird Relationship

This is the song ringing in my ears whenever I think about my relationshop with him

Song 'Ae Mere Hamsafar' from movie 'Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak'.

--MALE--
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey
Right now there is a season of separation; it will only stay for a moment
Why wouldn't the darkness go away, why wouldn't the storm stop?


--FEMALE--
Right now there is a season of separation; it will only stay for a moment
Why wouldn't the darkness go away, why wouldn't the storm stop?
Why wouldn't we reach the destination of love?
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey
Where love has taken one romantic step
From there a road has opened, from there a wall has crumbled

--MALE--
Where love has taken one romantic step
From there a road has opened, from there a wall has crumbled
No one can stop us from love's journey

--FEMALE--
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey

--MALE--
Oh my companion, this is a short time of waiting
Listen, voices are coming from the end of love's journey

I know the reality that we are nothing for each other, but I guess you will always be in my heart forever. In between, I doubted myself that it was due to chemical imbalance in my brain but it is not. I genuinely have an affection for you and it won't go away even though months or years pass or even if there is no interaction among us for however long or whatever kind of person you are. I'm stuck. I'll always be wishing you well and will be missing you but I'll never try to communicate with you because we are nothing for each other. We can't even be friends. Now, what can I do if I have an undivided affection for you. I am trying my best to stop and run away from you but Facebook and internet are not making it easy. So I will be in touch with you from far away and will not bother you ever again with my messages.

I've learned a lesson of never to judge others. Things can happen and anybody can do anything even though they keep their morals high. Its all about brain and the nervous system which can scumb you against your morals.

I made fool of myself and forgot about decency and crossed my limitations because of my heart which overtook my thinking power. It is a shame that I did not have control on my actions.

This is your message in March in reply to my message of asking you "aren't you not guilty of not talking directly instead of these arbitrary messages" - which made us to superficially go through break-up: "You need to stop sending me messages and calling me from blocked number. You continue to send outlandish messages as if you know who I am and what I do. You continue to act as if they are directed to you when they are irrelevant to you. You continue to say I am harsh and I make mistakes when you are the one who sends anonymous messages which is both immature and incredibly ridiculous. These is going on for over an year now and I am quite tired of it. So, stop."

I took it so seriously and lived almost like a corpse. I sent countless emails to your blocked email address in order to go through self-therapy and tried to see your Facebook profile picture through yours friends friend list. But you Mr. Genius did not block me and did know every move I was making on Facebook and accordingly you updated your profile picture. You too sent so many anonymous twitter messages to me through your sisters account to say that you are back.

We briefly and indirectly communicated in September. Yes, I put period to everything even though you were loyal because I can't take this anonymous way of interaction. I understood that you will never say in words about my importance in your life. Yes, I thought actions are important than words but if actions are anonymous  you crave for words. I'll wait my whole life for that day, for that moment to hear from you directly about what I mean to you.

Last night, I came to know that you change your profile picture whenever I come in search of you on Facebook. Due to my non-response for 31 days, you updated your profile to a truck photo. Of course, it aches to see that you are upset but I came to conclusion that even though you and me are loyal, we are nothing for each other. Even though, I said any communication is better than nothing but I was wrong. I can't interact anymore unless I see you extending your friendship hand and think whole-heartedly that I am special to you. I want to hear you say that I need you...I always want your advice..want to always be touch with you...never want to lose you. But I know, you will never say. I waited for two years. You don't mind to give me pain or be far away from me in order to protect yourself. Day by day, I'm proving to myself that I am stupid. That is what I am. I am releasing you from my stupidity and letting myself go though the grievance. I have no inclination to speak with you anymore as I know we are not going to reach anywhere. You will never open up for me. And as you said, I don't even know about you. Far away from you is good for me. Of course, I'll do stupidity by snooping on you because I miss you and will always be curious to know what you are up to. I know, it is so indecent and against my character but I have no choice. My heart longs for you even though I know we are nothing for each other. There is some inner meaning behind me shedding tears whenever I hear Neon Trees - Animal song "Here we again".

Very interesting article on What Men Arent Telling Women. Sometimes I do feel that's why he won't ever tell his inner feelings. Then we are destined to die.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I Want It To Happen Badly PERIOD!!!

Right now, my wish is to get any kind of message from him saying that he misses my communication or my friendship or something positive which can make me feel like I am floating high above the clouds with happiness. I just want it even though I am trying my level best and supressing my feelings.

Oh well, if it doesn't happen, I'll just dream about it. I can dream anything I want and nobody can take that away from me. I'll dream the way I want the relationship between us and your rigidity can't take away that.

There are so many people in this world but why do I care for your interaction. Wish we both are alike in our thinking and some reason I strongly believe that's true but what do I know about you. Until this Internet and facebook exists, I can never go far away from you. People keep on meeting new people and forget about old so, why can't I be like that. I truly feel that even though you meet so many your age group, you still remember and miss me but our circumstances won't allow us to be friends. Sometimes I think, when situations are perfect for us to be friends and beyond then maybe would have not like each other these much. Ahh...the brain, with it's intricative way of thinking to screw up and put us in gloomy mood. It doesn't matter what season I am in, I am just hmm..SAD!! Any stupid way of interaction puts a smile on my face and makes my environment bright like as if the world suddenly made itself look vibrant. Why do you have such a hold on me ...argh!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Wish to be zapped...

Oh yeah, I wish that all my memories of him should be zapped, just the way, I deleted every alert related to him. Please God help me.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Here We Go Again..

I like Neon's "Here We go Again" song. Making me cry so much especially the line "Say Goodbye to my heart tonight".

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied.

Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just a cannibal

And I'm afraid I wont get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight

CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide

I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you

CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush
The world is quiet
Hush, hush
We both can't fight it
It's us that made this mess
Why can't you understand?
Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

I wont sleep tonight

Here we go again
Here we go again
Here we go again

CHORUS
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

When you walk on broken glass pieces, get ready to get hurt. That's the case with me. Knowingly everything that there is no future, I pushed myself so far to reach a person who doesn't belong to me ever. Really, from the get go it was not my fault.God made me to go through this journey. Yeah, that's what I believe. How many people we meet in this world but can we really find them on the internet. The answer is 'no', He purposefully made me know that persons last name or else I could have til now, I would have not been in this stage. Even though initially, when we got separated, I cried a lot like a little girl for her teddy bear but it might have sustained for few months and would have gone. But now, this has progressed for two years with relentless pain, uncertain future and unnecessary drag.

I was cheating myself by saying that all I need is friendship but it is more than that. Why does it pain if I see him with different woman? I don't know. May be because he can be nice with everyone other than me. That's why I decided to put period to all these. I deleted yahoo, google alerts, everything related to him. I want to run away far far away from him. I don't want to contact him anymore. I can take the pain of being far from him then watch him, not contacting me but having good time with other women and tease me through facebook. I don't know whether it is facebook or fakebook. How young people, keep on display their love for boyfriends and girlfriends? I want to run away from all these.

I always wondered, when someone loves someone so deeply that they can never leave them, ever. I used to question lovers motive of how can he/she think of going far away from the person whom they loved. Well, I got the answer. When there is unbearable everyday pain, when there is uncertainty, when there is no future of being together especially the "heartache"...then you want to run away to leave that person in peace and to make yourself come out of this agony.

One more thing, I wondered was about how two people know each others immense love but why on earth, they find it so difficult to explain to each other. When I read Nora Roberts "Heart Of The Sea", I wondered and said to myself "Oh come on! why the writer is dragging, when it is so clear Trevor and Darcy love each other but that time, I did not realize that as a reader I am knowing both of their emotions and affection for each other. Back to my story, that's exactly, I went through. I was always direct with my thoughts but other than saying directly about his feeling, he did everything which he could possibly can. I thought actions speak louder than words, but oh, boy! words too matter a lot. Without words, you will never know whether the actions are just for namesake or for fun/tease. After two years, I am so desperate to hear something good, something which makes jump with joy and make this world a beautiful place. I know, it will never happen. So,  I want to run away. I really wholeheartedly thought that he and I can be friends forever and be in touch but I can't keep on follow the women, he friends with and takes cute picture as a couple. Don't know, to tease or that's the truth. For two years, it was like Genesis song "That's All". Everything looks bright and suddenly from nowhere, we both are upset about each other and then long break up.


Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
I could say day, you'd say night
Tell me it's black when I know that it's white
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
I could leave but I won't go
Though my heart might tell me so
I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes
So why does it always seem to be Me looking at you, you looking at me
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
Turning me on, turning me off
Making me feel like I want too much
Living with you's just putting me through it all of the time
Running around, staying out all night
Taking it all instead of taking one bite
Living with you's just putting me through it all of the time
I could leave but I won't go
It'd be easier I knowI can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes
But why does it always seem to be Me looking at you, you looking at me
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
Truth is I love you
More that I wanted to
There's no point in trying to pretend
There's been no-one who
Makes me feel like you do
Say we'll be together till the end
I could leave but I won't go
It'd be easier I know
I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes
But why does it always seem to be Me looking at you, you looking at me
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
I could say day, you'd say night
Tell me it's black when I know that it's white
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all - that's all

Breaking up with someone is so hard. Especially, to live everyday knowing that you'll never again interact with that person, once you take the break-up decision. I don't know, how Hollywood actors and actresses deal with it, when you all the time, get the ex-partner's post-breakup news even when you want to run away from them. Life is tough. Better not to get attached to anyone. Life will be much easier.