Tuesday, February 2, 2016

People make places beautiful, not the other way around

“I find myself having a deep affection for you...the thought of separation brings an immense sadness.
 
So confusing that after reading these words in my letter along with the Christmas gift, he decides to let me know that he is moving away to Seattle in May. Why he has to tell five months before, when he knows that it is going to give me an immense pain? Why will he do that? It makes me wonder whether he read the letter. What kind of fate is this: I mention those words, and that’s what is happening? I expressed my feelings about separation is because of the fight we had in November, and during that time I searched for a new piano teacher, but I did not pursue for that change as I couldn’t let him go. I don’t want him to go. The thought of not seeing or talking with him forever is unbearable. Who will see me with affectionate eyes? Who will be curious about me or my life? Who will ask me “how are you doing”, or say, “have a nice week”, or “see you soon”, or “see you on Wednesday”, or who will give me glances during the piano classes, or who will care for my opinion, or who will be anxious and excited to see me? Who will be nice with me or give importance to me like him?

This is what he posted during our fight days.

This is what he posted when he decides to forgive me for asking him: why you don't have any plan?

 
Two years ago, this is what he said: “Everything is going very well and I know it will continue to be a very productive relationship for a long time.
 
There are going to be only 16 meetings before he goes away to Seattle. Like the way he looks at me, or at one instance, I even noticed sadness when I expressed of going to Las Vegas for winter break. Such a person, how will he survive then? What is he thinking? During that time, he even asked me to share my family picture.
 
In one crazy sleepless night, I thought about even begging his bf to not take him away. 

That’s why I don’t like to create relationships with anybody. Everybody can so easily move off from someone, just like that. Why can’t I be that person – ruthless or unattached person? That’s why you should not take things from people? Unasked affections or warm feelings or being too nice, will later turn poisonous. People who spread love, don’t stick around, but move away to make you sick later on.

I just don't understand him. Was it all in my head, or he had feelings for me, or is he just a selfish person, who cannot see beyond himself?
 
 I feel so bad that things would have worked so well, but in every angle it flopped so badly. We all as a team, would have won piano competitions together, and with that success, we would have leaned towards a strong bond. I never had any male bonding before. I enjoyed his attention over me, but just like that, I will be deprived from his attention. Our every week get together won’t happen anymore. Wish I could get a peek into his brain. Do we see things differently? Did I analyze him wrong? Will he be okay without seeing me? Definitely this week, and many summer weeks, he was fine without having any communication with me.

In terms of music education to my kids, and for really to receive and achieve something in the music world with the money we spent on piano classes, his departure is better. But personally concerning to my heart, I will be the loser. Am I? Maybe not, as he is gay, and the things which I notice in him towards me, may not even be true. So in that sense, his departure is good in every way. I will not be in some illusion. Who will forget to register kids in a competition, or who will suddenly decide not to do the concerto competition, just because he screwed up without having any lesson plans, and the worst is not even feel guilty about it. In contrast, planning and preparing for his half-marathon trips, his other endless trips…just totally engrossed in his own life, like as he is doing a free service to us. Now, if his talk is true, I may even get a sincere award winning teacher for my kids who can make wonders, especially for my son who is genuinely good.

I know he gives these extended classes every week, but why? Is it because he loves teaching my kids, or is it because he wants to spend some extra time with me, or is it because he doesn’t want to go home soon? Living becomes easier if we communicate our intentions properly. But we don’t communicate our intentions properly, is because of feeling uncertainty. Self-doubting is the main cause.

I thought I’m going to meet him today, but it's not going to happen. I wanted to take some time and talk with him directly by saying I don’t want you to go to Seattle. I know you have plans for your life. I don’t want to be a spoilsport, but truly I’m going to miss you. In personal level, I will feel your absence. The way you glance towards me, the way you talk with me, the way you love to share your thoughts, and many other things, the way you love to hear about what’s happening in my life…all indicates that you like me a lot. That you give a great value to me. You open door for me, you ask about my well-being, you offer expresso...the subtle things which you do makes me feel special. If what I saw was so true, then why now, why to leave. You said that it will be hard for you to not see us for two months when we were leaving for India, but now you are planning to move permanently forever. You laid a good foundation for kids, it is time to reap the benefits. You know I always wished you to be part of their musical journey. And you said that this will be long productive relationship. It is really so heart breaking—everything was going well, prospects were so high, plans were laid out, we both like each other (maybe a lot), but at the end, the whole thing feels like temporary.  It looks like you never made any connection. It looks like we were part of some temporary gig. Promise me that if you ever doubt about your move, please give a serious thought of staying for at least one more year. If even after a year, you still don’t feel good of staying in Dallas, I will not request you to stay. 

But then I thought, I should not be talking all these with him. He is a senior professor after all. If he never felt close like the way I felt, like the way I interpreted his moves, he will be shocked.

One day suddenly in the night, my brain takes me to the opposite direction, where I find myself thinking that he might have just lied to see my reaction, to find whether I truly be immensely sad. But then I confidently doubt that he will do such a thing. He always, always tells the truth.

My next theory about his exiting to Seattle is he is just selfish. He just cannot see anybody, other than himself and his needs. All that time spending with me was just to time pass or whatever the reasons, which he only knows. Otherwise, who on Earth will tell about his moving plans when I personally gave the letter talking about how the thought of separation gives me an immense pain.

At the end, everything happens for a reason. In November and December, I did not know how to solve this issue. I couldn't let him go due to my crazy affection, but now he's the one who decided to relocate and leave us behind.  Thereby solving the whole issue. 

Sometimes I feel, he is leaving to Seattle to finally settle with his bf is because of my words: "why you don't plan?"

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Asusual, I gave all of me

 He is moving to Seattle, leaving me and going away. Why I don’t matter to anybody? Why I feel pain for everybody who crosses my path, when no one in return feels the same?
Things which he did
Things which he was not supposed to do
Gave me a lot of attention even though he was gay. During the class, he always looks at me. In the first year, he used to have twinkle in his eye, whenever he looked at me. He used to show anxiousness to see me. How do I know? The way he used to open the door and pop out with great zeal of enthusiasm. He used to ask me how my weekend was.
Never showed any kind of interest or encouraged or leaned me in to believe that he is attracted to me through messages or email.
He was the first and the only guy in the world who said “I like you.”

Remember to Indians, love has no meaning. It is all about responsibilities.
Never looked like he observed my looks or my dress. Maybe 4 times, I felt he noticed in our 100 + meetings.
He even showed interest in walking along with me to the car. Once I saw him like a teenager desperately packing his stuff to join me to walk up to the parking lot. That incident raised questions about his gayness.
Once he even forgot to unlock the key as he completely forgot that I was coming to college that day.

I would have never fine such a thing as I think every second.
When I was leaving for India, he said, "it is too hard for him to not see us for two months." And now he has no problem in leaving me forever.
Even forgot to enroll kids in competitions.

Again, I would have never done such a thing as he was always my top priority.
He even found out the time I’ll be at the airport so that he can come to handover the harmony book to my son. 
Once we had a fight, and he was okay to be bad/mean with me.

But after seeing that I really care for him, he softened and was extremely nice again.
This year, especially during one class, he kept on looking at me, and was so unfocussed that I thought oh my god, I’m disturbing the class.
Has no problem letting me know that he is gay as he sent an annual newsletter during Christmas time about his household affairs.
This year, few odd days he was so into me, constantly looking at me – I smile and then he smiles, and few days, without any apparent reason, he maintained distance.
Ignored so many times my emails and twice my messages like I mean nothing.

But once when I complained about how disrespectal that is, he made sure to always reply promptly.
Last year, when I was so into him, and was very anxious during the class, and was kind of dull as I did not know what to do with the feelings I was developing for him when I know that he is totally gay.  He asked me, "are you okay?"
I noticed the same kind of anxiousness on his face this year. It used to be like, so many thoughts running over his head, but couldn't find a way to communicate with me.

All these are not made up as after we had a fight I did not notice for couple of months, kindness, or warmthness in his eyes when he looked at me. 
Felt like he always wanted to make me his facebook friend, where he declared in his profile that he is in relationship with his bf.

He has no problem to tell about truth about his life. 
This year he even asked what I was reading during the class, and even tried to talk other topics other than music, but I did not encourage him as I was nervous and has actually made up my mind to maintain distance from him after he did not show up at the airport when I left for India. That day my heart broke.
Never gave me any kind of gift. But offered me espresso once.
He always asks me how I’m doing.  And opens door like a gentleman.
 
This year even though I wanted to see the show with him, he declined by saying that he has to prepare for the bookclub, but it looked like he waited for me in the parking lot and in that way we both walked side by side for two blocks in Fortworth.
 
On the same day, he asked my plans for lunch. Not 100% sure, whether he wanted to have lunch with me, but as usual my brain thinks he may have thought to go out with me.
 
Always taught overtime. Maybe sometimes, even gave 30 extra minutes. And kept his calander empty after our class. 
 
For the first time this year, he asked me for my family picture.
 
 
 
I know for 100% that he has no feelings for me. That’s the truth. It just doesn’t matter what he did during the class or when we met as I know to my heart, if he had feelings, things would have been different. A gay man’s brain cannot be tuned.
It is really not fair on part of God, to make me, the Indian woman, to meet this eligible bachelor who being gay, kind of showed a lot of interest in me, who was totally like a gentleman, asking about my welfare, opening the door, to be anxious to see me, it all looked like two teenagers having feelings for each other, but in the end where not able to let it out.
Bye to one more saga of my life. Here I’m stuck in loveless marriage, no career, no friends, he was the only spark I had for two and half years. Every week, i looked for Wednesday. Day in and day out, I spent time by gawking at his Facebook. Made myself involved in him so much, that now I’m like fish without water. I want to request him not to leave me alone. 
I scrutinized every move of his towards me as something favorable for me. Even when things looked bleak, or even when I am not in the picture of some of the events of his life, my brain gave me every hope and involved me in every move of his even when the events had nothing to do with me. APPLAUSE!!

Now for sure, I know that I fall for any opposite sex who gives attention to me. No one till now showed that really care for me, honestly 100%. I definitely know mine is not love, but what is it that pains. Because to my heart his face to face actions looks like he really really cares, but once I'm out of the picture, I'm out.

I even read articles about possibility of gay guy falling in love with a woman. To my surprise, there is a possibility. Recently, NYT modern love stories, featured a gay guy marrying his best straight girl friend.

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/01/24/fashion/platonic-gay-relationship-couple.html?smid=tw-nytimes&smtyp=cur&referer=

Yesterday, when he talked about his plans, I never saw sadness in him. He loves his partner, and he is very happy with him. He doesn’t need me. He is a free man. Sometimes it felt like he was questioning his gayness. I excused his unplanned teaching week after week, because I couldn't manage the thought of losing him, but that's not the case with him. No pain to lose me.

As usual, it is all my fault for my misery. But for sure, God too played his role. 

This was my Christmas message to him in December:

I find myself having a deep affection for you...the thought of separation brings an immense sadness.

So here is for the hope:

I hope our affection for each other on any given day overtakes the differences which arise from time to time.

I hope our love for music which made us to meet each other wins over on any other interests gaining in.

I hope we achieve success that encourages us to be on this course,   and makes this emotional/musical  journey worthwhile.

With all my heart, wishing you happiness, peace, love and success throughout this holiday season and beyond.

This is what I typed in my apple notes after giving the gift and the card during the class:

We are going to dislike each other. That's how it is. Accept! He gives pain, that's his job. 


I'm such an idiot! God please help me! Don't give my letter to him. He doesn't deserve. Maybe both don't deserve. Why the beep you think he has time for you to solve issues? His true color is popping up. I'm just one more client, paying money for his job. Looks like hubby is right. Rip off, don't get attached. I should be able to go wherever there are people who don't give me pain.


All I wish is, for him to acknowledge love or care for me, just once, that I meant something, but just acting like I'm nothing and not say one word about me is heartbreaking. I never till now heard from any guy about love for me, and that I mean a lot to them. I think it will be the greatest day in my life. I wish he fulfills my wish.

Friday, December 18, 2015

His insensitivity, My indecisiveness

Everything slowly, but surely drifting away. The thought of separation makes me immensely sad, but I think everything I feared in May 14th 2014 email is coming true.

"Warning:  It is going to be a long read. 

Hi,

I bet you had a great day yesterday. Well, I couldn't stop smiling the whole day. I was so up in the sky...didn't want to come down. We were outside for the whole day...in between reminisced the best of everything. 

One of the major source of happiness is you. If I said to someone that I want a talented, knowledgable teacher who is sincere and passionate about teaching, good communicator, gives top priority to kids growth, immaculately plans and prioritizes according to kid's skill,  if I needed help, sincerely support us in between classes, even on weekends, and really listen to what I've to say related to music or to my kids, or any general view, and give totally high regard to my wishes, and almost certain of getting it done then everybody would have suggested; you're not being realistic; you'll never find such an unselfish, consolidated  person. I couldn't have dreamed a better person than you as even dreams have limits based on experiences and not knowing the boundaries of human kindness.

I don't know how to say - giving  importance to everything I say(almost) or anything I wish(almost)...your thoughtful way of executing and sincerely making sure of things I wished it to happen, and that too instantly...how can I be so lucky to find such a sweet- sweet person....touch wood...rapport between us is what making things go so smoothly and successfully, and of course you being so flexible and willingness to listen to others need/desire.  In such a shorter duration to have such a deeper connection is unimaginable.  If I become emotional for my kids' performance, there is nothing special, but for you to become emotional in such a shorter span depicts our special connection, and the valuable, unselfish time you invested in their progress.

Yesterday's duet would have not been possible, if you were not flexible and open minded, but there you are, just within few days came up with the best piece for them to learn, and planned so well for it to work flawlessly.

Are we in honeymoon phase where we both are so amicable, and wonderful (few hiccups here and there..haha), or are we really going to be forever like this, truly a great team?

Sometimes I feel like I don't even have to communicate, you just know what I wish to say. It is just that I don't have patience to wait. Haha....Otherwise, I am sure of experiencing Sonata or Invention type surprises, which I loved it dearly.

Wish I could take it for granted. Well, I know things won't work that way. I just wish that you remain forever like the way you're now. May the best understanding and wisdom prevail between us. All these goodness you bestow on us is not because we are still in beginning stages when usually understanding will be rosy, temperament will be under control, and things or people will look much more interesting. It is not that I'm undermining you as a person, I'm talking in general of how humans function.

Yes,  I'm very well aware that you're the matured one among us. You exactly know how to react and how to balance, and you have lot of experience in dealing with people.

You're a sincere teacher with lot of patience, and vast knowledge to share. It is really a joy to watch you teaching. 

Sorry, we did not get a chance to say bye to each other yesterday. I know I cut you off when you were trying to say something related to videos, and in that process, I missed out to hear your thoughts. Well, that happens whenever I'm  in ecstatic mood...haha...

We are the best combo ever, don't you think? 

This is what is called as being at a right place at a right time with the right person.

Everything I wished and beyond is within you. Not to boast, but my son is the best student any  teacher can ever ask for, but with your sincerity, in depth knowledge, passion for your work and being a good communicator, and with his hard work, sincerity and 100% reliable,  both are so perfectly matched.  I know my daughter is trying to inch towards to close the gap to reach to your expectation level of performance.

I don't know why I find it so easy to communicate and share with you whatever I exactly feel like. Maybe deep down I think that you are okay with my long emails..haha.

Pardon my long email as you're the source of my happiness, I've to let you know.

Looking forward to see you on Wednesday.

Thank you for everything!!"

Everything I praised about him has gone. No sincereity, no planning, no enjoyment in students growth...he is just somewhere in his own dream world. 

How did things change just like that. Let me tell you his plan...
Trip to Mexico for new year (should not matter as it is during holidays)
In Jan, weekend trip to Disney for half marathon race.
Again in Jan, self healing trip to Whidbey island from Wednesday to Sunday.
Again in Feb, romantic trip with his boyfriend during weekdays.

He has no shame to let me know all these plans after canceling a piano concerto competition. All he cares is teaching thirty classes...without thinking about the purpose. How can someone be so insensitive. Why can't I quit? Why I'm so indecisive? Why can't I confront?

I feel the whole thing was bogus from the start. I just did not see it then. 
I just can't believe that he is the same person about whom I was so gaga few weeks ago in my blog. How did things become so bad? I thought he likes me 100%... I thought he never gets offended to whatever I say. How can I be so dumb? Why do people hate me? 

Bye to one more person who once I thought was my friend. Welcome to one more person who thinks I'm just a speck of dust. Well, for sure one more time it proved that what I see with my eyes are not to be trusted, because I guess my mind manipulates and conceals the red flags. I think everything is rose when it is not. Because he is a guy, my mind twisted every move of his as love for me, even though he is gay. All this pain is the consequence of taking every minute thing to some kind of deep affection for me, even though I was reading simultaneously that gays will not deter in their motives. They will love only their type. 

I want to run away, go away from this world. I'm not suitable for this world.




Thursday, November 19, 2015

I lived in a bubble

I'm writing this post with so much pain in my heart. It is over between me and the gay piano teacher. My previous posts speaks about how damn I was involved with him. All those signs of kindness, interest, desire to speak with me, was all fake I guess. We were so close to be true buds.

From a long time, I observed how without any kind of plan, he was coming to the class to teach. This kind of behavior started after my trip from India. After taking his approval,  I had planned for a major piano concerto competition along with RCM exams which was his idea. My kids do duet too for every recital. This time we thought to do Mozart concerto. When you're dealing with such a high demand, as a teacher you need to have a concrete plan. Otherwise,  time will just pass and at the end, nothing looks like achieved.

So due to that reason, I indirectly twice managed to get my message delivered. As usual, he had no problem. Took it for a stride, but nothing majorly happened to execute the plan to deliver the intended results. After he did not even inform the theory exam date beforehand, and letting me know only after I texted to request whether he is interested to watch their recordings. He said yes for viewing the recordings, and informed about that day's theory test, which was about to happen in couple of hours.

After this experience and once he canceled the concerto duo as my daughter was not prepared, at the end of the class in most casual way, asked him why he can't plan about what to teach in the class. He got all offended and laid out the plan for next week, and commented is these is what you want, that I have to sound imperious. Humorously,  I said, "perfect. It sounds more like a man with a plan." well, I did not know what imperious meant during that time.

While exiting the classroom door, I asked whether we are still friends. At that time, wow---I've never seen anybody being that angry with me--he turned his head towards me and looked into my eyes directly and said, "don't try to mess with me now."After that he warned me and said, " from now on, I'll control everything."

After that I sent sorry by email and text, but he was still angry. In yesterday's class, his demeanor was so different...outside totally charming, but inside lot of anger. At the end of the class, I asked "do you wanna talk?" He said, " after last week's talk, I've no time for talking."

And he said, " I'll not do the concerto competition as that is not my priority now.", and he said, "from now on I'll set boundaries."

Later cool as a cucumber, he asks me, "so are you guys having huge thanksgiving party?" Nothing was paining or bothering him and has no fear of us quitting.  He doesn't care about anything anymore.

How can a nice guy suddenly turn unkind? Was I in a bubble? The rapport, the connection we had did not mean anything to him. He wanted to hurt me with his words, with his attitude...with his deeds.

Why couldn't he ask in a nice and caring way--on what basis did you reach your conclusion that I come unprepared to the class. Why he did not try for an open dialogue? Why antipathy? Why to twist my words and be mean/rude/hurtful? What happened to his goodness, his friendship..why this distance?

Currently with a heavy heart, I'm looking for a new piano teacher.  I hate to start all over again.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Misery of getting attached to people

I'm going to try one last time to communicate with you after that it is up to you.

They say, it's not difficult to be good when everything is going well...

You've the power to wipe off this misery if you're willing to forgive. I'm still the same person you once cared for. I understand nobody behaves rudely until and unless their feelings are hurt badly.

Honestly, I'm telling you that day I thought I was communicating casually just like many off topics we discuss...sometimes you agree, and sometimes you let me know your opinion. And that's how I perceived the whole thing, without picking up your cues. That's why the whole stupid laugh in the corridor. 

I really like you, M, just the way you used to like me. I will not do anything purposefully to hurt you. You've more good in you, than what I talked on that day.  This is when you've to think about how many positive things I talked about you in the past. You should not throw away everything, just because of one day. I really care for you. Trust me, your silence hurts me a lot. 

************************************************

The accusation that I "had not planned" struck a raw nerve with me. However, I am not so fickle as to not like you as a result. I need space to move forward. 

Boarding a plane now for Philadelphia. Have a good weekend.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Good times

Yes please do.  I signed up again with a new email address. My teacher number is *****, email is *****. And I used this phone number as the primary contact number. 

I also ordered 2015 advanced rudiments papers for [daughter] to see when they arrive. 

And I practiced the Shostakovich. 😉

Sneaky how you hijacked my calendar. 😜


Yay, you practiced!!!! 
I'm so happy to hear you say that you practiced!!!! It will be so unbelievably wonderful to hear you play along with [son]. Thank you so much for taking it seriously!! Golden words "And I practiced the Shostakovich."

Sneaky...yes!😆
Yes!! Teehee...well played. :-)
Well, you asked to remind you!!😉
Thank you!!  Done well!! My part is quite slow now, but it will work for rehearsals. 

All I care is you practiced! Like I said, " I'm so happy."

It has been quite a ride. I've actually been practicing quite consistently for a few weeks now. Select repertoire. Bach P&F, Rachmaninov prelude and Debussy Arabesque. It's all so beautiful and the Shostakovich is so energetic. :-)
Yeah, keeping life in balance now. Practice, exercise, work, reading and walking my dog. 😀
Life is quite good. 

Awesome!!! I thought you gave up on practicing. I thought you don't even enjoy playing piano. I'm so happy for you!!!

No, not at all...I just had to rekindle the love I have for the music and separate the work from the joy of making music. Sometimes it is a long process. :-)

Well, you're on the right path. I always enjoyed listening to music, but the way you analyze the piece exposes the beauty in much deeper level.
Anyway, good night!! Cheers to your practice!!!

Thank you!!  Good night. :-)

Well, I'm not going to spoil my mood because of some dumb stuff, when I've this one to smile about "And I practiced the Shostakovich"

😀

Thank you for showing me your sincere side yesterday. I loved seeing you having total control over everything. Hands down the best class so far!! Do I have your permission to visualize you both playing that piece for the recital? It will be the brightest and proudest moment in son's life to perform along with his teacher. It will be just amazing....something to look forward to....will be unforgettable experience for the audience. I think I'm already visualizing...😆 As you are enjoying the process of practicing, let us not stop ourselves to the indoor sessions.👍🏽 Btw, will they perform Mozart concerto second movement for the recital?

Perhaps. Right now I'll just enjoy the process. It was a great class and I loved sharing my sincere love of music with everyone in the room. ☺️

I cherished watching your sincerity. If I'm allowed to say -- truly proud of you. 
Thank you!!  I'm working to let that side out more. ☺️